Jßbruary 4 . 2Ü0Q • fiNDinc Love make a commitment to my own life. In short, I needed to get married to me. Interestingly, everything started to flow. A Continued from Page 23 newspaper ran an ad with a large photo of an Irish Claudaugh ring, a design that consists of W hile the latter wasn’t the greatest adver two hands holding out a heart. To me this sym tisement for partnership, it did occur to me that bolized the essence of what I wanted my life to 1 could be having more fun. 1 began to realize be, a presence for love in the world. I concoct that 1 had placed a lot of fun things on hold ed a gown out of black and white gauzy materi until I could share them with a significant other. al to symbolize the embracing of the light and In fact, I realized with a shock, I was even not dark within myself. I gathered up some witness buying a new sofa for my apartment, looking es who would also play the role of a Greek cho ahead to sharing a rus. W hen the place with a new ceremony unfold Learning to live love. I was living ed in a profound, my life like a temp! for myself means yet tongue-in- This was going to way, the that being alone cheek change. question “Does A t that time 1 anyone present no longer feels was pursuing a mas know of any rea like standing ter’s degree in C ali son why this mar fornia, where 1 had riage should not in an empty enrolled in a class take place ?” was taught by a New asked, and the schoolyard, Age feminist called Greek chorus waiting for the “T h e H eroine’s responded with a Journey.” We were cacophony of neg ride that never comes. I know now exploring the use of ative childhood that home is right here, right in the ritual and ceremo messages. After ny to empower our letting myself real core o f me. selves. After being ly hear the limit inspired by a Gilda Radner skit on Saturday ing forces at work in me, I yelled a big “no!” 1 Night Live, a hilarious parody of self-help jar was then free to place the ring on my finger. gon in which she takes herself on a date, 1 I’ve now worn that ring for 15 years. The knew what I wanted— no, needed— to do with marriage has not been easy, but then no mar my ceremony. I needed to invest in myself, riage of substance really is. There is a world of C r o w i n c the L o v e n our modem culture, Valentine’s Day is a holiday dedicated to honoring love, and we are challenged to prove our love for those we deem lovable. It also carries a strong message that one must be in an intimate, erotic rela tionship with another in order to be fulfilled and whole. That being single or alone is not the desired configuration also gurgles to the surface. To satisfy my belief that single and alone are OK, I consulted the Random House Dictio nary. Single: adj. one only; unique; sole; separate; individual. Nothing looks wrong with that state of being. Alone: adj. apart or isolated from another or others; to the exclusion of all others or all else. This seems to imply being without fellow ship or companionship, which I certainly am not. And I dare say, most everyone has at least one friend or companion animal with whom they interact. ven people with healthy self-esteem who are not coupled may feel left out or a little lonely around Valentine’s Day. However, they are secure in realizing their sense of self does not depend on being in a relationship, they have a broader view of life and don t evaluate themselves on the basis of one holi E day. Millions of people, however, do suffer from low self-esteem and find this holiday a particu larly difficult one to endure. Starting at birth, all children begin to form a picture of self, a view of the world and how they fit into that world. If a child is mistreated, im difference between what I know now about self-responsibility and what I knew then. I have encountered the challenge of honoring the commitment to myself and to another person, keeping them in balance. Looking back at my single years and the “wedding,” I smile, know ing I could not be as I am today without it. Learning to live for myself means that being alone no longer feels like standing in an empty Y o u r H e a r t Amid the rampant commercialism of love as a commodity, I struggle to understand how this all came about. How did one day a year get set aside to show love? What about the other 364 days? 1 have a plan to remedy this situation. My goal is not to take anything away from Valen tine’s Day— celebrate it any way your heart desires. My goal is to create a way for love to be a presence each and every day of the year. Reflecting on my past love relationships, I see the need for me to take love into my own hands and heart. One means of doing that is to create a page of vali dating ideas, affirmations or quotes ancl put this list in a prominent place for daily review, perhaps near a mirror. The following quotes could work well on such a list; they are from by S andra L ea L e B el a favorite book, The Art o f Loving by Erich Fromm: “Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation o f character, which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one ‘object’ of love.” “My own self must be as much an object of my love as another person. The affirmation o f one's own life, happiness, growth, freedom is rooted in on e’s capacity to love, i.e., in care, respect, responsibility and knowledge. If an indi vidual is able to love productively, she loves herself too; if she can love only others, she cannot love at all.” Each time you review the list, look at your reflection o n V a l e n t i n e s D a y pled by M arilyn J. S orensen constantly criticized, neglected, abused or told she doesn’t do things right, the child likely begins to form low self-esteem. From then on, until she recovers from LSE, she inaccurately views herself in a negative light, doubts her abilities, and on some level wonders if she is lovable. She lives with fear of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, anxious about the future, fearful other do not like or respect her. Hypersensitive, those with LSE look for signs that confirm their negative view of self, and Valentine’s Day presents the perfect oppor tunity to do so. They may feel humiliated that they have no significant other and perceive it as proof that they are truly inadequate and unwanted. They know they won’t be receiving flowers at work or an invitation to a romantic dinner, and they might be embarrassed to tell their co-workers they have no plans. schoolyard, waiting for the ride that never comes. I know now that home is right here, right in the core of me. I am now a counselor and rela tionship specialist, and when I work with folks today, I know from the inside what it’s like to build a self, to become a person worthy of commit ment. I know what it’s like to build identity and peace of mind, choice by choice, mistake by mistake. W hether we’re in a relationship or living solo, commit ment to self is the key to freedom and a life lived authentically. This Valentine’s Day, buy yourself a ring. Make the commitment. ■ MAR1AH UREEL, M.A., is a teacher and transpersonal therapist in private practice in Portland. She specializes in relationship issues and has taught classes on communication and intimacy for many years. She can be reached at (503) 727-3563. and construct a scenario that assists you to understand how the passage relates to your life. For example, try visualizing a time when you loved someone very deeply and recall the love you sent to them, then put yourself in his or her place, become the receiver of your own love. Difficult as this may seem, the practice brings rewards each time you do it. Creating sacred space for this exercise not only makes it easier but deepens the experience. As you ponder these ideas and begin to know and love yourself ever more, the scenes you co n struct may change and you may also notice a change in your reflection. Perhaps it will become a lifelong endeavor. We all deserve the best life has to offer, and I believe love is at the top of the list. Remember: Love is what we came here for. Give yourself a big, warm hug and go out and show the world all the love in your heart. ■ S andra L ea L e B el is new to Portland. After many years o f study, she is opening her transfor mational healing practice, Life Exploration, guid ed by Reiki, neurolinguistic programming, hyp notherapy and reflexology. You can reach her at Slealebel@hotmail. com . Things to remember: 1. It’s better to be alone than in an unhealthy relationship. 2. Being in a relationship does not necessarily equal happiness or contentment, which actually come from within us. 3. Being alone doesn’t mean you are unloved or unlovable. 4. Being alone means you have more time to focus on your own goals, your own personal growth. Take advantage of the opportunities around you. Continued on Page 27