Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013, February 04, 2000, Page 25, Image 25

Below is the OCR text representation for this newspapers page. It is also available as plain text as well as XML.

    Jßbruary 4 . 2Ü0Q •
fiNDinc Love
make a commitment to my own life. In short, I
needed to get married to me.
Interestingly, everything started to flow. A
Continued from Page 23
newspaper ran an ad with a large photo of an
Irish Claudaugh ring, a design that consists of
W hile the latter wasn’t the greatest adver­
two hands holding out a heart. To me this sym­
tisement for partnership, it did occur to me that
bolized the essence of what I wanted my life to
1 could be having more fun. 1 began to realize
be, a presence for love in the world. I concoct­
that 1 had placed a lot of fun things on hold
ed a gown out of black and white gauzy materi­
until I could share them with a significant other.
al to symbolize the embracing of the light and
In fact, I realized with a shock, I was even not
dark within myself. I gathered up some witness­
buying a new sofa for my apartment, looking
es who would also play the role of a Greek cho­
ahead to sharing a
rus. W hen the
place with a new
ceremony unfold­
Learning to live
love. I was living
ed in a profound,
my life like a temp!
for myself means yet tongue-in-
This was going to
way, the
that being alone cheek
change.
question “Does
A t that time 1
anyone present
no longer feels
was pursuing a mas­
know of any rea­
like standing
ter’s degree in C ali­
son why this mar­
fornia, where 1 had
riage should not
in an empty
enrolled in a class
take place ?” was
taught by a New
asked, and the
schoolyard,
Age feminist called
Greek chorus
waiting for the
“T h e
H eroine’s
responded with a
Journey.” We were
cacophony
of neg­
ride that never comes. I know now
exploring the use of
ative childhood
that home is right here, right in the
ritual and ceremo­
messages. After
ny to empower our­
letting myself real­
core o f me.
selves. After being
ly hear the limit­
inspired by a Gilda Radner skit on Saturday
ing forces at work in me, I yelled a big “no!” 1
Night Live, a hilarious parody of self-help jar­
was then free to place the ring on my finger.
gon in which she takes herself on a date, 1
I’ve now worn that ring for 15 years. The
knew what I wanted— no, needed— to do with
marriage has not been easy, but then no mar­
my ceremony. I needed to invest in myself,
riage of substance really is. There is a world of
C r o w i n c
the
L o v e
n our modem culture, Valentine’s Day is a
holiday dedicated to honoring love, and we
are challenged to prove our love for those we
deem lovable. It also carries a strong message
that one must be in an intimate, erotic rela­
tionship with another in order to be fulfilled
and whole. That being single or alone is not
the desired configuration also gurgles to the
surface.
To satisfy my belief that single and alone
are OK, I consulted the Random House Dictio­
nary.
Single: adj. one only; unique; sole; separate;
individual.
Nothing looks wrong with that state of
being.
Alone: adj. apart or isolated from another
or others; to the exclusion of all others or all
else.
This seems to imply being without fellow­
ship or companionship, which I certainly am
not. And I dare say, most everyone has at least
one friend or companion animal with whom
they interact.
ven people with healthy self-esteem who
are not coupled may feel left out or a little
lonely around Valentine’s Day. However,
they are secure in realizing their sense of self
does not depend on being in a relationship,
they have a broader view of life and don t
evaluate themselves on the basis of one holi­
E
day.
Millions of people, however, do suffer from
low self-esteem and find this holiday a particu­
larly difficult one to endure.
Starting at birth, all children begin to form
a picture of self, a view of the world and how
they fit into that world. If a child is mistreated,
im
difference between what I know now about
self-responsibility and what I knew then. I have
encountered the challenge of honoring the
commitment to myself and to another person,
keeping them in balance. Looking back at my
single years and the “wedding,” I smile, know­
ing I could not be as I am today without it.
Learning to live for myself means that being
alone no longer feels like standing in an empty
Y o u r H e a r t
Amid the rampant commercialism of love
as a commodity, I struggle to understand how
this all came about. How did one day a year get
set aside to show love? What about the other
364 days?
1 have a plan to remedy this situation. My
goal is not to take anything away from Valen­
tine’s Day— celebrate it any way your heart
desires. My goal is to create a way for love to
be a presence each and every day of the
year.
Reflecting on my past love
relationships, I see the need for
me to take love into my own
hands and heart. One means of
doing that is to create a page of vali
dating ideas, affirmations or quotes
ancl put this list in a prominent
place for daily review, perhaps
near a mirror.
The following quotes
could work well
on such a list;
they are from
by
S andra L ea L e B el
a favorite book, The Art o f Loving by Erich
Fromm:
“Love is not primarily a relationship to a
specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation o f
character, which determines the relatedness of a
person to the world as a whole, not toward one
‘object’ of love.”
“My own self must be as much an object of
my love as another person. The affirmation o f
one's own life, happiness, growth, freedom is
rooted in on e’s capacity to love,
i.e., in care, respect,
responsibility and
knowledge. If an indi­
vidual is able to
love productively,
she loves herself
too; if she can love
only others, she
cannot love at all.”
Each time
you review the
list, look at
your reflection
o n V a l e n t i n e s D a y
pled
by
M arilyn J. S orensen
constantly criticized, neglected, abused or told
she doesn’t do things right, the child likely
begins to form low self-esteem. From then on,
until she recovers from LSE, she inaccurately
views herself in a negative light, doubts her
abilities, and on some level wonders if she is
lovable. She lives with fear of doing the wrong
thing, saying the wrong thing, anxious about
the future, fearful other do not like or respect
her.
Hypersensitive, those with LSE look for
signs that confirm their negative view of self,
and Valentine’s Day presents the perfect oppor­
tunity to do so. They may feel humiliated that
they have no significant other and perceive it
as proof that they are truly inadequate and
unwanted. They know they won’t be receiving
flowers at work or an invitation to a romantic
dinner, and they might be embarrassed to tell
their co-workers they have no plans.
schoolyard, waiting
for the ride that
never comes. I know
now that home is
right here, right in
the core of me.
I am now a
counselor and rela­
tionship specialist,
and when I work
with folks today, I
know from the
inside what it’s like
to build a self, to
become a person
worthy of commit­
ment. I know what
it’s like to build
identity and peace
of mind, choice by
choice, mistake by
mistake.
W hether we’re
in a relationship or
living solo, commit­
ment to self is the
key to freedom and
a life lived authentically. This Valentine’s Day,
buy yourself a ring. Make the commitment.
■ MAR1AH UREEL, M.A., is a teacher and
transpersonal therapist in private practice in
Portland. She specializes in relationship issues
and has taught classes on communication and
intimacy for many years. She can be reached at
(503) 727-3563.
and construct a scenario that assists you to
understand how the passage relates to your
life. For example, try visualizing a time when
you loved someone very deeply and recall the
love you sent to them, then put yourself in his
or her place, become the receiver of your own
love.
Difficult as this may seem, the practice
brings rewards each time you do it. Creating
sacred space for this exercise not only makes
it easier but deepens the experience. As you
ponder these ideas and begin to know and
love yourself ever more, the scenes you co n ­
struct may change and you may also notice a
change in your reflection. Perhaps it will
become a lifelong endeavor.
We all deserve the best life has to offer,
and I believe love is at the top of the list.
Remember: Love is what we came here for.
Give yourself a big, warm hug and go out and
show the world all the love in your heart.
■ S andra L ea L e B el is new to Portland. After
many years o f study, she is opening her transfor­
mational healing practice, Life Exploration, guid­
ed by Reiki, neurolinguistic programming, hyp­
notherapy and reflexology. You can reach her at
Slealebel@hotmail. com .
Things to remember:
1. It’s better to be alone than in an unhealthy
relationship.
2. Being in a relationship does not necessarily
equal happiness or contentment, which
actually come from within us.
3. Being alone doesn’t mean you are unloved
or unlovable.
4. Being alone means you have more time to
focus on your own goals, your own personal
growth. Take advantage of the opportunities
around you.
Continued on Page 27