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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 19, 1999)
1 w : hen I meet a man whom I don’t know to be gay, I want to learn more about him. I want to know what he does, where he’s been and what we might have in common. 1 see him first as a potential friend or useful business contact. But when I meet a friendly gay man, I inevitably wonder is he available and is he interested? Or, if I’m not attracted to him, how do I best fend him off? While some say that’s what makes life interesting, it can also make life complicated. I’m not very comfortable handling either dilem ma, so I usually get anxious and end up avoiding the fellow alto gether. And it’s hard to develop a friendship when you’re avoiding someone. Sex, or, more accurately, sexual desire, is what makes us sexual beings. It is there, it is real, and it is awfully hard to ignore. Although many of us have spent a large part of our lives pretending it isn’t there, it still affects the way we interact. Heck, it even affects the way I drive. (The shirtless joggers along curvaceous Terwilliger Drive on a summer afternoon can be dan gerously distracting.) While I readily admit that sex matters, friendship sometimes counts for a lot more. When my father died unexpectedly, I called my ex-boyfriend first, and he came over and com forted me. We no longer had a sexual relation ship, we had become just good friends. His friendship mattered when I needed it most, when sex was the furthest thing from my Palm Springs' Newest Luxury Resort Discover what's behind our walls.. M / / v I lr * / » C f i A n r & Entertainment Friends and levers A transplanted Texan struggles to make new connections in Portland’s gay community mind. What I needed then was reliability, not a good tease. He was there for me, and I for him when his parents died a few years later. Now, distance and our separate life paths mean we rarely get together. But when we do, we pick up just where we left off, our friendship as strong as ever. I wish I had more friendships like that, but the sexual attraction between us gay men seems to get in the way. It distracts us from connecting with the whole truth of the indi vidual. I don’t know if others feel this way too—perhaps I’m just not getting enough. But I do know that the more out I become and the more I’m comfortable acknowledging my own sexual feelings, the harder it is to Gay Men Writing. To learn more about the group, caü Patrick at (503) 231-8866. Treatmen' Poof' Jacuzzi Misting ‘system Robes * Hair Dryers Down Comforters TV, VCR& C o m firs <• can heLp! We need part-time delivery drivers 1st and 3rd Fridays of the month 4-6 hours per route Dependable vehicle required THE CITADEL ■ O U T WORD is written by members of Portland NEED SOME EXTRA CASH FOR THE HOLIDAYS? NEED TO STOCK UP FOR Y2K? World Class Amenities For the Discerning Traveler in-room Safe become best friends with the men I meet. More than just a personal barrier, my lack of tight friendships unencumbered by sexual desire makes it hard for me to feel like part of the community. In fact, I think it is very hard for a community to exist without such nonsex- ual relationships. I first realized their value a few years back while living in a small town in Texas where there was no gay community. Almost all the friendships I developed were nongay, but they were strong, like ropes tying people together, linking them in community. When I moved to Portland, I was starved for gayness (and honestly thankful to be out of Texas). I dove into gay activities with the fer- vor of a drag queen at Nordstrom Rack. Now, some three years later, my circle of friends is still small, diverse and loose-knit. It doesn’t feel much like a community, at least not like the one I experienced before. The Portland gay community exists, I think, because of our sexual attractions. Ironi cally, the electricity generated when we come together limits our ability to form strong friend ships and actually makes it harder for us to forge an enduring gay society. So how should we go about making better friends and building a stronger community? Do we have to give up friendship to have good sex? Do we have to give up sex to have lasting friends? I hope not! I think dismissing sexual attraction is not the answer. Sex is and will always be, and, for our community, ignoring it is like a Christian ignoring the Bible. Instead, we should freely acknowledge the powerful influence that sex has on our relation ships with other gay men. We must be honest with ourselves and with others when we are turned on and learn to express those feelings in context. We should begin to answer advances honestly and calmly, whether accepting or rejecting them, or just clarifying their intent. For my part, this won’t be easy. Expressing my sexual feelings, or lack of them, without embarrassment or shame goes against all I was taught for the first half of my life. But I’m final ly realizing that the price I pay for silence— a lack of close friends and a weak sense of com munity— is beyond my emotional budget, and something has to change before I go bankrupt. i PALM SPRINGS www.dtadelps.com Call Katy Davidson at 503 236-1252 - I Free ConsuBgtion. •Affordable with WBÊ X & ■ ■ Æ viplÇ Long Term results. w w w . p m a - n w. c o m In l**ikcO sm k”i> Preventive Medicine Associate P h y s ic ia n s & S u rg e o n s
