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40 J im »* « u t » may 2 U 199ÍL
' " A N N I VE K S A R Y S E A S O N
Quack
Dr. L au ra Schlessinger’s pearls of wisdom
are an o th er m an’s p u re poison
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hat is it with straight people thinking
they have it so good?
In a recent broadcast of her popular
radio show, Dr. Laura Schlessinger—
known to her legions of fans as simply Dr.
Laura— uttered the now-infamous line: “Hear it
one more time, perfectly clear: If you’re gay or
lesbian, it’s a biological error that inhibits you
from relating normally to the opposite sex.”
If Dr. Laura is to be taken seriously, one has
to accept her unspoken belief
that heterosexuality is the pinna
cle of human existence. This is
intriguing, because if you look at
heterosexuality it’s not particular
ly enticing as a way of life.
Granted, it is the most popular
form of behavior on the planet,
but that’s not saying much. I
don’t know about you, but as far
as I’m concerned wood-paneled
station wagons, an all-you-can-
eat fish fry and family
vacations to the G rand
Canyon do not a paradise
make. I much prefer a
Volvo with a sunroof, sushi
dinners and summers in
Provincetown.
Besides, 1 don’t have
any problem relating to
the opposite sex. I think
women are great, and some
of my closest relationships
are with women. Sure, I
know a lot of gay men who
don’t have many women
in their lives apart from
Streisand and Midler. And
I know a lot of lesbians who won’t give
anything with a penis the time of day.
But I know just as many straight women
who wouldn’t talk to straight men if it
weren’t for the fact that they sometimes
want help carrying in the griKeries, and 1
honestly can’t think of any straight men
I know who would happily go shoe shop
ping with their gal pals unless they had a
foot fetish.
So if Dr. Laura’s idea of “normal” rela
tions between men and women comes
down to being sexually aroused by the opposite
sex, then no, I don’t meet her criteria. But if
that’s the case, then why not say that hetero
sexuality is a biological error that inhibits peo
ple from relating normally to the same sex?
I suppose Dr. Laura would argue that this is
all our fault. After all, if straight guys weren’t so
afraid of being mistaken for queers, maybe they
would go to the opera together more often and
help each other find pants that make their
asses look better. But I doubt it. For one thing,
I’ve met more than the occasional “straight”
man, complete with wife and kids, who goes in
search of man-on-man action when he wants
to really get it on. And I have many straight
women friends who would take a banana split
with chocolate fudge sauce over a penis any
day.
If we remove attraction from the equation,
maybe we should revise our definition even
more and say that heterosexuality is simply a
biological formula for the continuation of the
species. This works for me, hut in this age of
donors and turkey-baster babies, it’s a defini
tion that’s teetering on the brink of obsoles
cence.
N o wonder Dr. Laura is so afraid of us and
thinks we’re the aberrations. Imagine how her
theory would hold up if we were able to eradi
cate ignorance and prejudice? If society were
somehow freed of these restrictions, and we
were all free to pair up with whomever we
really wanted to, would people indeed conform
to the “norm” of heterosexuality? Sure, some
would. Maybe even a lot would. But I suspect
the majority would fall along a spectrum, nei
ther completely one thing nor another.
Dr. Laura frequently says that what we real
ly need is a return to morals, values and reli
gion. I agree with her on the morals and val
ues. I even agree with her on the need for reli
gion— sort of. W hat Dr. Laura doesn’t under
stand is that religion is only the outward
expression of innate spirituality, and that any
religion based on fear and easy answers is a
weak one. True spirituality teaches acceptance
of the divine in all its forms, which is some
thing Dr. Laura knows nothing about. N or
BY
M
ICHAEL
THOM
AS
FORD
ILLUSTRATION BY JAN FAUST
rve met more than the
occasional “straight” man,
complete with wife and kids ,
who goes in search of
man-on-man action when he
wants to really get it on.
does she understand that the morals and val
ues we need are, quite simply, love and kind
ness, not holding to an outdated ideal that
never really offered anything useful to begin
with.
O r maybe she does understand this but,
because she is conveniently included within
the majority that dictates how things should
be, she prefers to keep everything just the way
it is. It’s not at all surprising that Dr. Laura’s
audience adores her. Because they are the
ignorant and the confused, the ones with lives
so wildly dysfunctional, just hearing Dr. Laura
berate them for their stupidity gives them a
giant jolt of self-esteem.
Is it just possible that, unhappy with her
own existence, Dr. Laura has to take it out on
those of us who are truly content? I hate to
break it to the good doctor, but if what she is
passes for normal, I’ll happily stay in my sick
bed.
■ M ichael T homas F ord ’ s new book, T h a t’s
Mr. Faggot to You, is m stores this month. Visit
his Internet site at members.aol.com/shopiltee or
e-mail him at shopiltee@aol.com.