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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (June 19, 1998)
T he G ay D ad B lues The timing of this year's queer pride celebration in Portland isn't making everyone have a happy Father's Day by David Burnett T his year’s Portland gay pride cele 1 really live and to understand that my gay life is bration falls on Father’s Day, which not a fearful, horrid thing that I have to keep serves as a stark reminder to me of hidden. I want to spend time living with them how tom 1 am between two worlds. as opposed to just being with them. Celebrating my gay freedom is This Father’s Day should be the last, or near something relatively new to me, celebrating my ly the last weekend my visitation is spent this fatherhood is not. This will be the fourth year way. The day after Father’s Day, my ex-wife and that I will celebrate my life out of the closet, 1 have our final counseling session with the ther however it will be the 20th year I celebrate apist to clear the way for me to come out to my being a dad. And to be honest, celebrating both sons, the first step in moving toward visitation being gay and a dad has not been easy. in my home. On June 29, we meet with the chil I was married for more than 17 years before 1 dren to tell them that Dad is gay; in August, came out. My wife and 1 had three sons togeth they will come live with me for a month. To be er. Today they are 20, 12 and 10 years old. We very honest, I’m scared, very scared. were a close family; our relationships were built After I told my oldest son I was gay, he bare on love, togetherness and fun. We attended a ly spoke to me for over a year. It was a very fundamental Christian painful time for both of us. church, which shaped our This year I cannot celebrate Our relationship had been ideals and solidified our very close— we were like both gay pride and Father's buddies, spending lots of family. When I came out, I had time together, talking, teas fairy tale dreams that life Day together as a reminder ing and having fun. My wouldn’t change all that o f who I am as a whole per coming out hurt him and much. 1 fantasized that my made him angry. Although ex-wife and I would remain son. Being gay and being a he now visits with me and good friends and that my is willing to spend time children would fall right dad are still distinctly differ going to movies or dinner into my new life. These together, we don’t talk ent in my life. I hope next about dreams turned into night my life. I’m afraid my mares that still haunt me younger sons will have sim year will be different. four years later. My ex-wife ilar reactions. and I remain on amicable terms, mostly for the What does a 12-year-old know about homo sake of our children. Our battles, however, have sexuality? Not very much, I think, particularly been fought in the courtroom. when they’ve been sheltered in a fundamental After our separation, my ex-wife gained Christian home. I don’t doubt that they have a court support that forbade me to come out to my playground knowledge of “faggot” and “queer” two younger sons. (I had already told the old though. In their world, it’s probably the worst est.) Furthermore, the court prevented my sons insult you can heap on a classmate. Now their from visiting me in my home because I had dad is going to tell them he’s one. I can only begun a relationship with another man and they hope that I’ve built the foundation of our rela were not to be exposed to that relationship. tionships solid enough that they will survive this These stipulations were to remain in place until revelation. I had attended counseling sessions with my ex- The other day I asked my oldest son if he wife and the therapist she and the children were would attend the counseling session with the seeing. family when I tell his brothers that I’m gay. He I had no objections to the counseling ses said he would not, that he’s been through it sions. In fact, they turned out to be very benefi once and doesn’t want to go through it again. It cial. Our objective was to determine how we stirred up a lot of old garbage in me: thoughts I were going to continue co-parenting our chil believed I had conquered, and feelings I dren and do what was in their best interest, thoughts I had worked out. Suddenly I felt again without totally compromising what we believed like I had done something terribly wrong by as adults. The issue of visitation rights became coming out. The further I get away from the the real struggle. agony of being a gay man trying to live a straight Three years and eight months after separat life, the harder it is to remember just how miser ing, my children still have not visited me in my able I really was. I have to remind myself that I home and the younger two still don’t know I am did not leave my wife and children because I gay. 1 have become the ultimate Disneyland stopped loving them, instead I came out and left Dad. We spend our weekends in motel rooms, because I wanted to stop hating me. eating out, playing in the parks, walking malls This year I cannot celebrate both gay pride and hanging out in video arcades. They of and Father’s Day together as a reminder of who course love it— no chores, someone else to make I am as a whole person. Being gay and being a their beds, no dishes to clean after meals. For me dad are still distinctly different in my life. I hope it’s become a pattern I accept, but one I am eager next year will be different. to move beyond. 1 want my children to see how tra n sitio n I t ’ s O f f ic ia l ary Ann Morache and Jennifer Marie Delao were joined in a commitment cere mony May 16, 1998. Both lesbian and Native American traditions were honored at the event, which was attended by 60 supporters. The Rev. Cher Big Bear Lions presided over the ceremo ny. Congratulations may be e-mailed to float- ing@teleport.com. 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