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H Little Help f r o m Our F fie n d s : Local lesbian and gay elders are creating peer support networks
by Inga Sorensen
hen Mary Brady’s girlfriend
packed her bags and headed
south a few years back, Brady,
then 61, was essentially left high
and dry.
“She didn’t even ask me to go,” recounts
Brady, now 66, in a dripping Brooklynese accent.
“It was heart-wrenching.”
Due in part to her ethnic heritage and her Big
Apple roots, Brady was inclined to not suffer in
silence—she needed to express herself.
“Here I am, an Italian from New York who is
very emotional,” says Brady, who has lived in
Portland for two decades. “I’m seriously griev
ing, but there’s no one my age to talk to.”
No one her age who was also a lesbian, that is.
Instead of hanging back and griping about the
deficit, Brady put a notice in Just Out seeking
lesbians 55-plus for socializing.
“People called, we set up a date, and the next
thing I know is we have a room full of women,”
says Brady, adding the only done
deals on the agenda were ample
servings of cake and tea. “I just
said, ‘Let’s start by telling our com
ing-out stories.’ ”
And tell they did. That was in
October 1991. Today, more than
six years later, the group, which is
now open to lesbians 50 and older
due to demand, is flourishing.
The klatches, which quickly
sprawled, have already outgrown a
couple of spaces and have most
recently shifted to the Multicultural
Southeast Senior Center on
Belmont Street, where Brady says
the group— known as Lesbians
Over 50—can really stretch out for
potlucks and other assorted endeav
ors.
“OK Mary, though I am exactly
half your age, I notice changes in
my body. In fact, I just noticed my
gums are beginning to recede,” I
say to Brady, in part playing devil’s
advocate. “Given that, what can’t
you comfortably discuss with me
that you can freely talk about with
the group?”
“I would never discuss my aches
and pains with you. I couldn’t talk
about that because I would be afraid
you would view me as old,” she
candidly responds. “I’m 66, and Mary Brady
things are changing, but that doesn’t
y
y
mean I’m not vital and interesting and full of life.”
I couldn’t agree more.
She adds, “It also helps to spend time with
others who are going through the same types of
things—surgeries, Social Security and benefits
issues, all of that.”
Lesbians Over 50 also provides an avenue to
possible couplehood.
“Oh sure, we’ve had some women from the
group get together,” she laughs.
On a more serious note, Brady adds: “In this
society, we are so ageist. It’s terrible. Once you
cross a certain age, you’re invisible. Nobody
cares.”
culture’s heterosexist bent, and you’ve got a for
mula that can spell loneliness and isolation for
aging and elderly queer people. (As if being old in
this country isn’t tough enough.)
Some folks, like Brady, have taken the initia
tive to create and nurture supportive peer net
works.
Gresham resident Warren James, 76, has been
a member of the Portland Metro Primetimers, a
group for gay men 40 and older, since its estab
lishment a little over a decade ago.
Like Lesbians Over 50, Primetimers, also
known as Metro Club, is designed as a social
venue for older gay people. It, too, sprouted from
an unmet need. (An estimated 60 men turned out
for a recent bash.)
“Sure, sometimes we talk about surgeries and
more serious matters, but the group is really about
celebrating who we are,” James tells Just Out.
And he notes, just because you may have more
years under your belt, your yearning to dish doesn ’ t
diminish.
“Do we gossip? Oh sure,” he says.
And some Primetimers ultimately pair up as
well.
“I’ve dated a few men from the group. It hasn’t
worked out for me personally, but I still have
hopes of finding a partner,” says James, whose
mate of 37 years, Jack Abele, passed away in
1995.
According to James, his Primetimers buddies,
some of whom had also been widowed, served up
support through tough times.
“We may connect with each other in a way we
can’t with younger gays and lesbians,” he says.
On the other hand, some suggest that many
o doubt about it, ours is a youth-obsessed
younger queers simply don’t wish to mix with
culture. Every year consumers spend mil older lesbians and gay men.
lions of dollars on cosmetics and plastic
“We live in a very youth-oriented society,
surgery for the sole purpose of retaining youth.
both in terms of the broader culture and the gay
Just zap those wrinkles, baby, and you’ll be on the
and lesbian community,” says Robert Morris
road to eternal happiness.
Smith, 70, a gay man who works with Elders in
Take that twisted view and blend it with the
Action (formerly known as the Portland Mult
N
nomah Commission on Aging, an entity funded
by Multnomah County and the City of Portland
which addresses myriad senior concerns).
Smith also points out that many older gay men
and lesbians live very private lives “because that’s
the way they had to when they were younger.”
“For gays and lesbians who are in their 60s,
70s and 80s, being in the closet was a way of life—
it was a way of surviving,” he says.
And while Ellen may parade about on prime
time TV—and increasing numbers of younger
queers feel more comfortable being out—it doesn ’ t
mean older gay men and lesbians are suddenly
going to shun their lifelong ways to accommodate
the changing times.
“That may be difficult for younger people to
understand,” Smith says.
The habit of closetedness, though, may be
come an obstacle to older gay people in meeting
peers or receiving appropriate care as the effects
of age begin to take their toll.
Smith recounts tales of elderly gay men and
lesbians in nursing homes, for example, who may
not be out to blood relatives or facility staff. Such
a circumstance may impede a partner’s access to
his or her loved one, as well as stymie the partner’s
input about the loved one's needs.
Even if staff knows about a person’s orienta
tion, they may not be cooperative.
“And since we can’t marry, we can be denied
all sorts of rights afforded to heterosexual couples,”
says Smith. Rights involving property and inher
itance, lifestyle options, decisions about life and
death—matters that take on a particular urgency
as the years mount.
S
ervices for queer youth, while admittedly
deficient, appear to be light-years ahead of
those provided for aging gay men and lesbi-
ans.
That, says Smith, is starting to change— not
only via grass-roots, informal networks like Les
bians Over 50 and Primetimers, but also through
social service agencies, which are beginning to
take notice of this neglected population.
Phoenix Rising Foundation, which provides
counseling services to the queer community, re
cently received a $3,000 grant from Equity Foun
dation for its Senior Services Project. The money
will be used to conduct a survey of sexual minor
ity seniors in the Portland metropolitan area.
According to agency Executive Director
Allanya Guenther, survey results will be used to
develop a three-year strategic plan for senior
services, with the goal of implementing a pro
gram by July 1998.
She says Phoenix Rising has been researching
senior services for more than a year, and is now
affiliated with Senior Action in a Gay Environ
ment, a national organization for gay and lesbian
elders and their allies.
The agency also has a regularly meeting se
niors’ committee, which has been collaborating
with Multnomah County to jointly identify the
queer community’s seniors and
supportive services in order to de
velop a resource directory.
Additionally, Phoenix Rising
says Multnomah County is pro
viding two half-time staff people
to work with gay and lesbian se
niors. The staff—a man and a
woman—are available at Phoenix
Rising two mornings a week. Ac
cording to Guenther they will pro
vide assistance and referrals for
senior services in a gay- and les
bian-friendly environment.
Jean DeMaster, 51, is a pro
gram manager with Multnomah
County’s Adult Care Home Pro
gram.
“This has been an underserved
group, no doubt,” says DeMaster,
an out lesbian who admits she
thinks about growing older.
The county, she says, offers an
array of services to the overall se
nior population, but is also re
searching gay-and-lesbian-friendly
adult foster homes. Thus far nine
facilities in the Portland area have
been deemed friendly, and
De M aste r hopes to see the 1 ist grow.
She also says the county plans to
identify supportive nursing homes
and other senior facilities.
“Typically those in their 70s
and 80s are not asking for ‘Gay
Night’ at a senior center,” says DeMaster. “What
they are asking for is supportive person-to-person
contact with a caseworker or staff who under
stands where they are coming from, who will treat
their partner with respect—someone they can feel
comfortable with.”
She anticipates that as lesbians and gay men
now in their 40s and 50s age, they will begin to
take action, be it in the form of creating exclusive
gay-and-lesbian retirement communities or inte
grated supportive senior environments.
“The number of elderly is increasing,” she
says. “With that will come change.”
To learn more about Lesbians Over 50, call
281-4424; for more details about Primetimers,
call 598-3442. To get involved with Phoenix
Rising’s seniors’ committee, call 223-8299.
Multnomah County staff is available Wednes
day and Friday mornings at Phoenix Rising to
assist sexual minority seniors; for additional
information, call 223-8299.