j u s t o u t ▼ J a n u a ry 17, 1 9 9 7 ▼ 5
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The ultim ate perk
Can the “sacred” institution o f marriage be rescued from its
own history as a package o f authority-sanctioned entitlements?
▼
by Patricia Nell Warren
or months now, the news has echoed
Indeed, the gay community’s love of drag and
with angry sound bytes from enemies
theater may be instilled in us by long centuries of
o f same-sex marriage. Homosexual
performing with that sword held to our throat. But
nuptials, it’s being said, will tarnish the
an Oscar-winning act is still an act, no matter how
“sanctity” of heterosexual marriage.
brilliantly sequined in "sanctity” it might be.
Gosh, do these folks ever read the newspaper? Interestingly enough, homosexuals d on’t mo­
O r a history book? Marriage has already been
nopolize the closet. Marriage is a good place for
deeply de-sanctified by centuries of festering
certain straights to hide too. Like the prostitute
heterosexual pragmatism.
with heart o f gold who hides her past by marrying
Admittedly my views are colored by experi­
Mr. Respectable with heart o f gold. Or the "m iss­
ence. For 16 years I tried to be the perfect straight
ing person” who hides in a marriage to start a new
wife. But I never felt sacred—just felt more and
life and cover the trail. Or the straight military
more stifled and dishonest. When my homophobic
man who grudgingly marries to advance his ca­
spouse Finally found out, he told me 1 was “sick.”
reer, because the brass don’t like to promote
My First and only visit to a shrink revealed that he
bachelors to admiral.
shared my spouse’s opinion. So 1 ran for my life:
Marriage has no global agreement about what
divorce and coming out.
makes it "sacred.” It’s social Silly Putty, squished
Apologists for “traditional values” seem to
into a thousand shapes by bias and blind belief. To
forget the real history o f marriage. Christian civi­
the Israelites of the Ten Commandments, “sanc­
lization was built by royalty and nobility who saw
tity” o f marriage included polygamy and a m an’s
marriage as dynastic. People wed­
right to kill his wife and children
ded for titles, wealth, feudal es­
if they got out of line. To feudal
tates, vassals, heirs— to link em ­
lords, the “sacredness” o f a serf
pires and win wars. Lifelong com ­
wedding required the bride to give
pulsory monogamy and chastity
her virginity to the lord. To the
belts were invented to ensure that a
U.S. colonists, a woman could
husband passed his power only to
w ork her way into m arriag e
his genetic offspring. While these
through contract labor or being an
marriages were sprinkled in holy
indentured servant. To Southern
water by ministers o f “heaven,”
slave owners, marriage was out of
many of them were made in hell, as
bounds for black people. To my
the tortured histories o f blueblood )
Irish Catholic forebears, the mar­
families can tell us.
riage knot required a priest’s “authority.” To my
When the American Revolution separated
Protestant forebears. Catholic sacraments were
church and state, it also separated marriage from
“evil popery,” so only a preacher’s words could
church control. M arriage became basically a civil
authorize the knot. But to bride and groom on the
arrangement. Today, many nuptials in the United
high seas, a ship captain’s authority is “sacred"
States still start with church bells, but the “sanc­
enough.
tity” o f civil marriage is arguable, since it boils
Some o f my Native American forebears had
down to a list o f heterosexual legalities that judges
more sensible views. A couple stood before Cre­
can rule on. These include inheritance rights, tax
ation and married each other on their own author­
breaks, hospital visitation, pensions, joint cus­
ity as human beings. They had no concept of
tody— all things that homosexuals want too, and
being married by the power of some other person’s
are told they can’t have, in the name o f “sanctity.”
religion or authority. “Nobody tells a Cheyenne
Since when do the arbiters o f “holiness” include
what to do,” my cousins used to say.
probate courts, hospital receptionists, company
Can today’s marriage overcome its sorry his­
pension plans and the Internal Revenue Service?
tory as a list o f perks? Can a person today make it
People in this country also rely on marriage for
sacred and wonderful?
certain perks and conveniences. For minors, get­
Yes, I believe so. Real sacredness is infused
ting married is a way of evading parental custody.
into any relationship only by the two people
For embarrassed parents o f a pregnant teen, shot­
themselves, be they straight or gay. They build a
gun marriage (it is hoped) preserves the family
balance between their own self-respect and their
honor. Marriage can get you free airline travel, a
respect for each other— and for their children, if
dental plan, diplomatic privileges, free housing on
they have them. If this sacredness is not deeply
military bases, U.S. citizenship, the boss’ daugh­
felt on the personal level, no law or sermon or tax
ter, and slave labor in the form of lots of kids.
break can put it there. Not even God and Goddess.
Marriage routinely enhances a celebrity career,
Not every heterosexual wants this kind of
even serves as cover for some CIA intelligence
relationship. Not every homosexual does either.
work. Repeated marriage-and-di vorce allows some
But those who do deserve the best that marriage
folks to cloak sexual adventure in legality. Y ears of
can offer.
living together in "common law” can equal marital
So yes, marriage in the ’90s is darkly tarnished.
status, or at least get you a nasty “palimony”
But denying marriage to gay men, lesbians, bisexu­
lawsuit. To the man or woman who marries for nice
als and transgendered people will not untamish it.
things, marriage may equal prostitution.
Heterosexuals have to take responsibility for
Are these profane perks protected by state and
the mess they’ve made o f marriage. They were
federal law? Yes. Are they sacred? Hardly. It is
the ones who wanted to have marriage. They have
amusing to think how many heterosexuals would
spent 3,000years making it ajuggernaut o f Judeo-
scream bloody murder if they lost their “right” to
Christian empire, politics, patriarchy and prop­
this array o f conveniences. Yet they would turn
erty, including their “right” to control o f wife,
around and deny those same perks to gay people.
children and genetic heritage. Now, in the ulti­
Closet marriages go beyond perk into prevari­
mate paradox, heterosexuals may actually need
cation. “Closet” is how homosexuals historically
the help of us homosexuals, if they want to put
conformed to the old feudal mandate. Nobody tries
some sacredness back into marriage.
harder to make marriage work than a fag or dyke or
hi who is hell-bent to pass! We have even pumped
Patricia Nell Warren is the author o f
out children to be cannon fodder for feudalism.
The Front Runner and other books
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