ju s t o u t ▼ july 1 9 , 1 9 9 « ▼ 15
GETTING TOGETHER
regon state Rep. George Eighmey,
the teddy-bearish gay legislator from
Southeast Portland, vowed never to
pretend again.
“I had spent the First 40 years of
my life fighting my sexuality—Fighting being
who I really am,” explains Eighmey, who is now
in his mid-50s.
During those four decades Eighmey followed
through with the cultural expectations which re
quired that he act straight, marry someone of the
opposite sex and procreate.
“I was living a facade. My own internalized
homophobia stopped me from being true to my
self and others. I robbed my then-wife and chil
dren of a complete person. I denied her the oppor
tunity to be with a male companion who was 100
percent, even 90 percent, committed to her, be
cause— while my life is richer because of our
friendship— I couldn’t love her fully,” says
Eighmey, adding that at one particular juncture he
was the “chair or vice-chair of 17 different boards
just so [he] didn’t have to be intimate with [his]
wife.”
Undoubtedly, cultural expectations have forced
not just Eighmey but many people— men and
women, sexual minorities, people of color—into
excruciatingly tight little boxes that at best restrict
honest self-expression and at worst literally de
stroy lives.
Eighmey is one example of a person who
managed to tear through “the expected,” but it
was a long time in coming. Nevertheless Eighmey
prevailed, and he has pledged to extinguish
homophobia whenever he sees it.
“There was a lawmaker with a desk near mine.
He was a good Democrat,” says Eighmey, also a
Democrat. “At First it was very apparent that he
was fearful of being friendly with me because
people might wonder about his sexual orienta
tion. I felt l could have a good working relation
ship with him except that his thing kept getting in
the way, so I asked him to dinner.
“He agreed, and we went to this public place
for dinner. The First thing I said was, ‘Listen,
you’re not my type. I’m not after your body.
You’re straight and I’m only attracted to gay men,
and one man in particular,’ ” continues Eighmey,
referring to his partner of 15 years. ‘Then I asked
him if he was comfortable with his sexuality, and
he said yes. I said, ‘Good, so am I.’ Doing that
enabled us to get past the tension and all that
macho baloney. We were able to look at each
other as human beings. We talked on a human
level.”
The story doesn’t end there. Eighmey, in his
ever-bubbly manner, stretched the boundaries a
smidgen farther.
“We got up to leave and I said, ‘I want to give
you a hug.’ He kind of took a breath and said OK,
and I gave him this big hug and then asked, ‘Was
that so bad?’ Now we joke and have a really
genuine relationship. Now he even throws me
kisses from across the room. That happened be
cause we crashed a barrier.”
Crashing barriers, challenging the harmful
rules of masculinity, and sharing visions of a just
society are among the goals of “Women & Men:
Visions of Justice,” the 21st National Men &
Masculinity Conference set for July 25-28 at
Lewis & Clark College in Southwest Portland.
The National Organization for Men Against
Sexism, an activist organization supporting posi
tive changes for men (and society) is the parent
organization of the conference.
NOMAS claims to advocate a perspective that
is pro-feminist, gay-afFirmative, anti-racist and
committed to justice on a broad range of social
issues including age, religion and physical abil
ity.
NOMAS materials state, in part: “We are
deeply supportive of men who are struggling with
the issues of traditional masculinity. .. As an
organization for changing men, we strongly sup
port the continuing struggle for women for full
A N ew A ttitude
A Men & Masculinity Conference to be held in Portland
highlights breaking free of cultural barriers
▼
by Inga Sorensen
equality. We applaud and support the insights and
positive social changes that feminism has stimu
lated for both women and men. We oppose such
injustices to women as economic oppression and
discrimination, rape, domestic violence, sexual
harassment.... One of the strongest and deepest
anxieties of most American men is the fear of
homosexuality. This homophobia contributes di
rectly to the main injustices experienced by gay
men, lesbians and bisexual persons, and it is a
debilitating restriction for heterosexual men. We
call for an end to all forms of discrimination based
on sexual-affectional orientation, and for the cre
ation of a gay-afFirmative society.”
NOMAS members say their goal is to change
not just themselves and other men, but also the
that. When we deny others, we deny ourselves.
Homophobia is a perfect example. It causes men
to be terriFied of intimacy with other men, and
look at how their lives are severely limited be
cause of that.”
Three intensive workshops are slated for July
25: a Men’s Studies Institute; a Homophobia
Education Institute conducted by Charlie Kreiner,
a human liberation advocate; and the Ending
Men’s Violence Institute, which includes a train
ing led by Tess Wiseheart, executive director of
the Portland Women’s Crisis Line.
“After 20-plus years working on these issues,
I have found that no matter how much we march
and lobby, we as women cannot stop sexual and
dom estic violence all by ourselves,” says
1 mean the reality that they are not free from
exploitation or oppression.... Men are bom into a
set of expectations and trained to regard them
selves in a certain way. If they don’t meet that
standard, they feel inferior. Some give up. What
we have to do is ask: What is the purpose in
placing that much emphasis on gender and gender
roles?”
Charlie Kreiner agrees: “Do we want relation
ships between roles or relationships between
people?
Kreiner believes the current dialogue over
same-sex marriage will help dismantle suffocat
ing roles relating to gender and sexual orientation:
“It raises huge questions around the purpose of
marriage. What makes a relationship? What makes
a family?” he says, adding the same is true for the
emergence of a more visible transgender/trans-
sexual movement. “It makes us re-examine no
tions of gender. What is it? Is gender learned, or
are there inherent differences? Have we just been
conditioned to fulfill a particular role that’s been
laid out for us?”
The constricting habit of jamming people into
roles is not limited to nongays, says Kreiner, who
recounts a time when two of his friends— a self-
identified lesbian and gay man— got married and
procreated via opposite-sex intercourse. All this
while still identifying as lesbian and gay.
‘T he gay community was totally freaked out,
and their straight friends kind of scratched their
heads wondering what the deal was,” says Kreiner.
“Everybody but them felt threatened by their life
because this couple didn’t live up to either
community’s expectation and proceeded to pur
sue the freedom to explore.”
hile men are viewed as the holders of
enormous power, many will tell you their
day-to-day existence is brain- and heart-
numbing: working like a machine (or unemployed
and thus not upholding the tenacious persona of
Male as Breadwinner), shunned or mocked if they
desire or seek any form of intimate contact with
other men, rejected for desiring to spend more
time with children, encouraged— from practically
day one—to one-up each other in sport, job or
product.
Yes, there are certain privileges, they say, but
the masculine prototype is just as emotionally and
physically damaging to them as the pre-feminist-
movement feminine one was to women.
“We are entrenched in this culture, so I think in
that respect we are all blameless on a certain
level,” says Alan Winter, 50, publisher of Mentor,
a Portland-based quarterly magazine “about men
and their journey of discovery.”
“Men are very alone in many ways,” he says.
“If the tables were turned and women were op
pressing men, maybe they would be able to estab
lish a new ethic, a sense of community, the way
many women have because of their collective
struggle against oppression.”
He adds: “But we have the power to change
culture—to change ourselves. We are in the pro
cess of redeFining ourselves as men, as members
of the planet. It is very scary and threatening to
many men, much in the way feminism is threaten
ing to them. At the same time, it is tremendously
exciting, a tremendous opportunity.”
W
State Rep. George Eighmey
institutions that create inequality.
The Men & Masculinity Conference is pro
duced annually through a partnership between
NOMAS and a local grass-roots committee, which
this year has chosen to explore the issue of justice
and visions for the future. Organizers say that “a
spiritual mooring is important in the quest for
social justice, so you will also Find that thread
woven through this year’s conference.”
Panelists will discuss visions of justice that
include afFirmative action, gay and lesbian con
cerns, community policing, ending violence and
hate crimes and creating community.
Keynote panelists include several local digni
taries and activists including state Reps. Eighmey,
Gail Shibley and Kate Brown; Roberto Reyes-
Colon; Kathleen Saadat; Portland Police Chief
Charles Moose and his wife, Sandra; and
Multnomah County Chair Bev Stein.
“NOMAS started in support of the women’s
movement. It is not reactionary in the way these
so-called fathers’ and men’s rights groups are,”
says Chris HufFine, 32, a clinical psychologist
who runs men’s domestic violence groups through
The Men’s Center in Portland.
HufFine, who serves on the conference’s local
planning committee, adds, “We realize that men
oppress women, men and the earth.... I used to
have a bumper sticker that said ‘No One Is Free
When Others Are Oppressed,’ and 1 truly believe
Wiseheart, a self-described radical lesbian femi
nist activist.
“My journey, and I think the journey of the
crisis line, has led us to ask: ‘OK, if that’s the case,
do we invite men in and hope they will do a good
job, or do we train them to make sure they ‘get
it’?”
Wiseheart has opted for the latter, and says the
crisis line offers basic and advanced men-only
trainings around sexual and domestic violence
issues.
The advanced training informs men how they
can support women and nurture each other, rather
than expecting women to always do it.
“That’s a tough one because of their socially
ingrained homophobia. It’s OK for men to get
their support from women, but not other men. If a
man attempts to, there’s always the chance that he
could have the shit kicked out of him,” says
Wiseheart, who nevertheless introduces men to
the concept (and hopefully practice) of men-on-
men nurturing.
“There are lots and lots of men involved in the
struggle for human rights,” says Kathleen Saadat,
who believes it’s unfair and detrimental to lump
men, white men speciFically, together as the pur
veyors of all oppression.
“All white men are not oppressors. All white
men are, are white and men,” she says, adding, “1
think lots of white men are getting it, and by ‘it’
The Men & Masculinity Conference will be held
July 25-28 at Lewis & Clark College in
Portland. Topics o f conference workshops
include: Pornography & Politics; Sexual
Attraction, Orientation & Gender; Class
Privilege; Facing Racism; Intro to PFLAG; and
How to Be an Effective Ally fo r Women. For
further information, call 282-2108.
A debate and dialogue, “What Now fo r Men:
Converging and Diverging Paths, "featuring
Robert Bly and Michael Kimmel, will be held at
the campus on July 26 at 8:30 pm. Tickets are
$12 from Fastixx 224-8499, and at the door.