just out ▼ soptombor 1, 1999 ▼ 19
n the dating
arena, HlV-posi-
_
tive men face dis-
■ crimination from
M
within the gay
-
community simply be
cause of their status.
It’s a hard pill to swal
low. But for most, dis
closing a positive sta
tus means facing their
own fear of rejection
as well as the fear oth
ers have about the dis
ease. Over the last 12
months, I interviewed
many HIV-negative
and -positive men in
Los Angeles and Bos
Linda Kl i ewer
ton about their experi
ences dating and de
veloping lasting rela
tionships with someone of a different sero-status.
For single men, the comments widely vary, but for
those who are involved in mixed-status couples,
what they have to say is both heartening and
enlightening.
“I could have walked away from him when he
told me he was HIV positive, but I didn’t,” says
Steve. “If I never meet anyone again for as long as
I live, then at least I know I’ve loved and had
someone in my heart.” Steve doesn’t draw the line
at HIV status, but he believes that he is firmly in the
minority.
Todd is HIV positive, and he continues dating
actively despite the possibility of rejection. He
remembers some of his experiences vividly. “Over
dessert, after a wonderful dinner out, I told my date
that I am positive,” says Todd. “He dropped his
napkin on the table and left the restaurant.” He
continues, “And then there’s the time I almost got
beat up for disclosing my status on a date. Needless
to say, I didn’t want any more to do with him than
he did with me.”
Brian also remembers how his date’s behavior
changed after Brian told him about his positive
status. “Craig and I were cuddling on the sofa after
decorating his Christmas tree. When I told him
After weathering the fears and
the hazards of dating, couples of mixed
HIV status find that communication and
love will keep them together
by Mark J a c o b s • photos by
Todd is HIV positive,
and he continues dating
actively despite the
possibility of rejection.
He remembers some of
his experiences vividly.
“Over dessert, after a
wonderful dinner out,
I told my date that I am
positive,” says Todd.
“He dropped his napkin
on the table and left
the restaurant.”
about my status, he dropped his arms from around
me like I was suddenly contaminated. It became so
uncomfortable that l was out of there within 10
minutes.”
Most sero-positive men interviewed agree that
the anxiety experienced before that fateful discus
sion can seem barely endurable. A great deal of
time is spent thinking about how to tailor the news
just right. The words get rehearsed aloud, written
down and obsessed about—while the best time
and place to tell is painstakingly considered. “I
feel continually burdened that I have to tell anyone
about my status, let alone someone I’m interested
in,” confesses Richard, who was diagnosed two
and a half years ago. Of course, disclosure doesn’t
have to occur on the first date, or the second, or the
tenth, but if the interest in each other continues,
HIV must be discussed.
“These may include beliefs that sero-negati ves and
sero-positives cannot understand each other’s
needs; that HIV infection is the source of all
problems in the relationship; and that the relation
ship must shift to a crisis mode in which the
partners’ roles resemble movie stereotypes of the
faithful, devoted and sacrificial caregiver and the
grateful, long-suffering and brave victim.” These
myths are tenacious, but they can be successfully
cast aside in favor of personal experience.
Unfortunately, however, too many in our com
munity have walked away from a promising rela
tionship after hearing, “I’m HIV positive.” Some
sero-negative men won’t even consider the possi
bility of dating anyone of the opposite status be
cause HIV simply doesn’t fit into that ideal scheme
of things. “What’s the point?” proclaims Kevin,
who feels justified in his choice to date only men of
negative status. “You fall in love with someone
only to watch him die, and then you end up with
nothing.”
These ideals, coupled with HIV/AIDS-phobic
attitudes within the gay community, are significant
in that they stifle possibilities for dating, not to
mention forming a meaningful relationship with,
someone who may not stack up status-wise. Says
Steve, “I feel being gay to start with is limiting
because 90 percent of the population is knocked
out for being heterosexual. We struggle with one-
tenth—and with a significant percentage of HIV
positive people, those who do not consider them
viable partners are only limiting themselves fur
ther.” Fear or phobia about anything, of course, is
based on ignorance, as we’ve been so aptly taught
by our political peers.
Mi
ost of us have fears of various sorts and,
too often, for no apparent reason— fear of
.flying, fear of heights, fear of foods that
contain fat. But how many are aware of the real
fears underlying HIV/AlDS-phobia? Fear of con
tracting HIV, fear of what others might think about
you having a positive partner, fear of the process of
losing someone you love and that it won’t be
pretty, fear of grief, fear of not getting that ideal
relationship? Fear of loving at all, fear of ending
t’s the uncertainty of the response, however,
up alone— again. The list goes on ad infinitum.
that causes the anxiety. The “ideals” we all
And what about the fears HIV-positive men
have or have had about how romantic relation
experience—
fear of passing along the disease, fear
ships should unfold in our lives leave little room
of losing a lover to the inability to cope, fear of the
for variation. How many picket fences have been
process of dying and not looking pretty, fear of
built within the first 45 seconds of meeting “him”?
isolation, fear of dy
Another two minutes
ing alone. How many
takes you five, 10, even
sero-negative men
25 years down the road,
have taken these very
perhaps going so far as
human
fears into con
to romanticize about
sideration
before
having matching urns
making
such
quick
in a mausoleum over
status ju d g m ents?
looking Martha’s Vine
Many fears are appar
yard.
ently
shared between
In the August 1989
the
statuses,
while
issue o f Focus, a
some are unique ac
m onthly new sletter
cording
to which side
published by the Uni
of
the
fence
you
rest
on.
Regardless,
outing the
versity of California San Francisco AIDS Health
fears both negative and positive men have about
Project,Tom Caldarola and Michael Helquist com
being in mixed-status relationships, or even rela
ment on commonly held myths regarding relation
tionships in general, promotes greater compas
ships in gay culture. In their article “Counseling
sion, understanding and relationship participation
Mixed Antibody Status Couples,” they observe:
within the community.
“These (myths) include the notions that love re
Mixed-status couples share many similar atti
quires no work and comes easily, that love resolves
tudes
that seem responsible for holding them to-
all differences...” With HIV to consider, there are
additional myths and suppositions that permeate
Continued on next page
our society. According to Caldarola and Helquist:
I
Most sero-positive men
interviewed agree that
the anxiety experienced
before that fateful
discussion can seem
barely endurable.