18 ▼
d ecom ber 2. 1994 ▼ just out
imagine being a straight woman having triplets
and a husband. Even with the most wonderful
man in the world, if there were just two parents of
triplets— I’d go nuts. We’ve got such incredible
support from people we don’t even know. People
who’ve heard about us show up on the doorstep
with bags of clothes, diapers, or car seats— there ’ s
hardly a week goes by that we don’t get some kind
of support like that from somebody in the lesbian
and gay community or someone who knows some
one in the lesbian and gay community.
“Sheila’s friend Buddy lives with us. Essen
tially these babies have three mommies. It’s be
yond words to try to talk about how significant
that is for our family. Buddy quit her job to stay
home to take care of these babies so that we don’t
have to put them in day care very much.”
Buddy is 32. She worked as a professional
chef for 12 years. Now she cooks outside the
home on Fridays and Saturdays only. She contrib
utes financially to the household, as well as being
a primary caregiver for the babies. She prepares
delicious family dinners during her five week
days at home. She refers to herself as family,
although not as ‘the third mommy.’
“I’m their Buddy. I will be their Buddy forever
and ever and ever. And then some,” she states as
she rocks Sam and soothes Risa to sleep.
I contrast this commitment to the experience
of a heterosexual mother of triplets who men
tioned that she received enormous societal sup
port during her babies’ first year, but found that it
basically evaporated as they grew up.
I notice that Sheila’s sister Julie is here today,
as she was on my previous visit. Mimi continues,
“We have great family support. Two of Sheila’s
sisters live here. We get lots of help from them.
My 13-year-old niece lives in Portland. She helped
me take care of the babies all summer long when
I stayed home. Both of our mothers are very
supportive even though they’re far away. We’re
very lucky.”
Sheila and Mimi complete each others’ words
in the intimate conversational style of longtime
lovers. Sheila says, “I don’t want to say that we
couldn’t do it without all this support—” and
Mimi interjects, “I do!”
Sheila concurs, “We probably could, but it
would be really difficult. It wouldn’t be as enjoy
able as it is. We’re more rested. The babies get all
different kinds of folks taking care of them. Our
community really is helping us raise these babies,
truly in every sense of the word.”
Mimi continues, “You know the old African
saying that it takes a community to raise a child—
that couldn’t be more true with triplets. We have
a whole list of people who come on weekends to
take a baby. Sometimes all three babies are gone
for 5 or 6 hours on Saturday and we’re alone! We
could nap, though we never do, we can work on
the house, I can work on my job— ”
Sheila adds, “We can even talk to each other.”
Mimi: “I can pull weeds out of my garden. It’s
a whole community. It’s family, it’s gay and
lesbian people, it’s straight people, it’s old people,
young people, all kinds of people, different colors
of people— ”
Sheila: “Single people, married people, short
people, tall people— ”
Mimi: “Childless people— and people love it.
There’s never a time where somebody takes a
baby where they don’t say, ‘Thank you so much
for letting me have the baby today.’ Some of these
people had never spent a day with a newborn baby
in their whole life. They do it now because they
can, because we ask them, because it feels OK.”
I observe, “It sounds just about ideal.”
Sheila confirms, “It’s pretty close to an ideal
situation for triplets.” She adds, “We think it’s
important to have men involved because this is a
house full of women. Even our animals are
female. Plus, some of our dearest friends are
men. Fred went to every prenatal appointment.
He was in the delivery room and was the First
person to hold G abriella. She went from
Mommy’s tummy to Uncle Fred’s arms. The
babies have what we call soulwatchers. It’s our
word for what most people call godparents. There
are quite a few men in that group o f
soulwatchers—gay men, straight men— ”
I ask, “Is that a term you invented your
selves?”
Sheila: “Straight men? No,” she laughs.
“Soulwatchers— yeah, I did. I knew I didn’t want
it to be ‘godparents.’ We’re not religious people,
except as far as baby care goes— we do that
religiously. Each baby has at least four
soulwatchers—a male, a female, a blood-family
Mimi with Sam
“These kids are very, very
blessed. They’re going to
have a lot of fun.
BABES IN DYKELAND!
”
—Mimi Luther
Continued from previous page
first. I still haven’t decided.”
Mimi laughs. “I always knew that I wanted babies. I tried on
and off to get pregnant for many years. An opportunity to adopt a
baby presented itself. We went all the way up to the birth of the
baby boy. We had him for five days, and the birth mom changed
her mind and took him back. We were devastated. And so a year
later, we decided to get pregnant. On the third try I was pregnant,
somewhat to Sheila’s dismay.”
A baby gurgles as Sheila speaks: "This has been more of an
evolution for me. In my early 20s I wanted children. As I got older
it was less appealing and then I took care of my grandmother for
several years. She had Alzheimer’s disease. When she died I felt
like I didn't have much more to give. I was pretty burned out. With
the adoption of the boy last year [that didn’t work out] I realized
that I could love a baby. Once he was bom and I saw him and held
him and loved him, I knew I could do it. I’m not a natural like Mimi
is, but...I love these children. I couldn’t imagine being without
them. I have to grow with it and deal with my frustrations around
sleep issues and crying babies.”
None of the babies are crying now. Risa is living up to her
name, laughing and leaping in her Johnny Jump Up. Sheila
changes Sam’s diaper. He is watching us through the luscious
lashes of his chocolate-colored eyes. Gabriella (Gabby) is off on
an outing with an elder friend who has become her surrogate
grandma.
Mimi explains: "The support factor is really significant. I can’t
Foreground: Mimi feeds Gabby while Jan looks on; back (left to right): Jackie with Risa, Buddy with Sam, and Sheila on guitar