OUTTING THE VIOLENCE
Jumt am •
Recognizing domestic
violence in our community
starts with education,
listening and believing.
e were all raised in a totally
dysfunctional society that pro­
motes violence as an acceptable
means to get what we want. We
are raised by people, 98 percent
of whom, believe that using physical violence is
healthy and necessary to raise children properly.
We live in a country where the number one cause
of injuries requiring hospitalization for women
are the result of domestic violence. How can we,
as a gay and lesbian community, believe that we
are somehow immune to this?
Different surveys around the country show 25
to 48 percent of all gay male and lesbian couples
experience some form of abuse. According to
MenWho Beat the MenWhoLoveThem, by David
Island and Patrick Letellier, the third leading
health problem facing gay men today stems from
domestic violence. The violence in the lesbian
and gay men’s communities is real. The violence
is life-threatening. I know. I am a survivor of
domestic violence in a lesbian relationship.
Lesbian and gay men’s battery is not some­
thing I thought much about, nor did I take it very
seriously. I always thought that if someone ever
hit me, I would just leave. No problem, it would
never happen to me. In some ways I believed that
if a person let themselves be injured, then it must
be something they needed to do. The victim
probably had a “victim’s headset.” Not very
charitable of me. I also believed in a “lesbian
utopia.” I believed deeply that “real” lesbians
wouldn’t succumb to violence.
I had a long journey ahead of me filled with
deep personal pain and shame. I had to accept that
I was indeed being battered. I was battered by the
woman I loved and planned a life around, and she
never had to lay a hand on me.
W
Differences and
similarities in same-sex
domestic violence
ost lesbians are reluctant to identify with
the victims of lesbian battery, which lim­
its their ability to empathize with the vic­
tim. This seems to reflect lateral oppression of
internalized sexism and internalized homophobia.
We are often our own best oppressors. There is a
deep level of internalized hate messages that
women absorb from living in the dominant cul­
ture. These women-hating messages and atti­
tudes are often used as a weapon by lesbian
batterers. This is unique to lesbian domestic
violence; although using sexism against women
is a tactic perfected by male heterosexual batterers.
Internalized sexism certainly doesn’t apply to
gay men, and yet they have their own gender
indoctrination that can be played out violently.
The Rev. Gary Wilson from the Metropolitan
Community Church served for three years on the
board of the Center for the Prevention of Sexual
and Domestic Violence in Seattle, Wash., and
theorizes, “Most men don’t even recognize that
violence is a problem. They see John Wayne
solve a problem by slugging someone, and as long
as ‘the Duke’ wins, it sends a powerful message
that violence between men is a fair and equitable
way to resolve conflict.” Wilson goes on to say,
“It’s not ‘macho’ to admit having been on the
receiving end of that violence, either.”The victim’s
whole manhood may come into question.
Whatever the specific gender oppressions,
combined with race-oppression, class-oppression,
able-bodiedness, etc., the tactics used by the bat­
terers are essentially the same. They will say and
do whatever is necessary to initiate, manipulate
and maintain absolute control. The abuse can
only escalate.
“My lover was always screaming that I was
‘out of control,' and it never made any sense to
me,” says one survivor who shared her story with
Just Out. “A woman on a crisis line finally
explained that my lover probably meant that I was
out of her control. That really cleared it up for me.
She would scream I was ‘out of control’ and start
calling my friends and telling them I was ‘out of
control’ and crazy. People wouldn’t know how to
respond, so mostly they kept away from me and I
was further isolated. I think my friends liked me
okay, but they probably didn’t like being called at
2:30 am and told I was ‘having a crisis.’ Some
crisis. Usually I had just refused to keep listening
to whatever drama my lover was trying to involve
me in.”
“Sexual abuse worked really well for her [the
batterer] on me. I would be ‘really good’ for a
long time afterwards. I would submit and do
whatever she wanted me to, thinking I was avoid­
ing further sexual abuse," says another lesbian
survivor.
“Sleep deprivation is what worked on me. I
just wanted peace. At night is when the sexual
abuse would happen,” continued another survi­
vor-
Continued on next page
M
Definitions of gay and
lesbian domestic violence
A
m a r c h 1 0 9 2 W 17
They speak directly to our own experience of
abuse. They break the silence about our violence
and bring it out from the depths of our deepest
closets.
Domestic violence is a learned behavior. It
involves the victim only as a target. The batterer
is responsible for his, or her, own actions. The
batterer chooses to use terrorist tactics to achieve
control over their partners. This is a choice. A
self-expression. There is absolutely no shared
responsibility for the abuse. The perpetrator of
the violence is solely responsible for her/his ac­
tions.
by Ariel Waterwoman
ccording to Men Who Beat the Men Who
Love Them, “Gay men’s domestic vio­
lence is any unwanted physical force, psy­
chological abuse, or material or property destruc­
tion inflicted by one man on another. A central
element to this, and any, definition of domestic
violence is POWER. Through the intentional use
of violence, or even the intentional threat of
violence, the batterer creates an atmosphere of
fear and intimidation in which he is able to get his
partner to do what he wants.”
According to Naming the Violence: Speaking
Out About Lesbian Battering, edited by Keny
Lobel, “Lesbian battering is that pattern of vio­
lence and coercive behaviors whereby a lesbian
seeks to control the thoughts, beliefs, or conduct
of her intimate partner, or to punish the intimate
for resisting the perpetrator’s control over her.” It
goes on to say: “Individual acts of physical vio­
lence, by this definition, do not constitute lesbian
battering. If the assaulted partner becomes fearful
of the violator, if she modifies her behavior in
response to the assault or to avoid future abuse, or
if the victim intentionally maintains a particular
consciousness or behavior to avoid violence, de­
spite her preference not to do so, she is battered."
Both of these books offer clear and concise
resources for gay men and lesbians to learn from.
▼
Warning signs o f a batterer
• Abusive or exhibits characteristics of abusing a form er partner
• Easily frustrated, has an explosive temper
■ Enters into secret states of depression (known only to family members)
• Very 'n o w ' oriented (wants everything done now )
■ Makes frequent 'promises' to change or im prove in the future
• Will accept no blame or responsibility for failures (marital, family related or jo b
related) or for violence
• Becomes enraged w hen you do not listen to his/her advice
■ Jealous of significant other people in yo u r life
• Displays an unusual am ount of jealousy, may accuse you or joke about your being
w ith others
■ Expects you to spend all of your free time together. Needs to know your
wherabouts at all times
• Accuses you of lying about w here you have been
• Dem anding and often times hurtful during sexual activities; at times punishes you
w ith refusal to make love
• Exerts control over you by threats of m urder or suicide
• Distorts reality to suit his/her needs
• Isolates partner from friends and family w ith a variety of tactics