Jm t
Asian lesbians and gays
struggle to bridge cultural
and sexual selves
When Larry, a university student in Portland, came out to his family one sister brought up God,
another "Loving from the parents” and a brother said "I'm not a human being.”
by Anndee Hochman
(Continued from page I)
I
n March 1990, Chee finally decided to act and Pacific Islander lesbians and gay men, dis
on an idea he’d had for a long time—start crimination comes in both blatant and more
ing a Portland group for lesbians and gay subtle forms.
men like himself. Even though he worked
When Nakagawa conducted door-to-door
with such community endeavors as the surveys in rural areas like Philomath, people
AIDS Hotline and the PAL program, he some
would caution him that “If you move out here,
times felt invisible in white gay culture. Once, you
at could get hurt,” he recalled. When he walked
the Embers, Chee met an Asian lesbian, and down
the fraternity row at Oregon State University,
two talked for hours about family, ethnicity,
students lobbed beer bottles at him.
sexual orientation and how those issues swirled
“When I moved up to Portland I expected
together.
things to be significantly better, and they’re not,”
About the same time, Lynn Nakamoto, an Nakagawa said. “The anti-Asian movement has
attorney who missed the diversity of New York affected every part of the United States.”
City, where she had attended law school, placed
Even in progressive communities that pride
an ad in Just Out for an Asian gay and lesbian themselves on tolerance, subtle anti-Asian mes
potluck at her house.
sages persist. Forums and discussions dealing
Lim, an Indonesian who was raised in Hong with ethnic minorities may omit Asians. Cultural
Kong, had heard of a group for gay and lesbian stereotypes—even those involving such positive
Asians in Seattle. The same month that qualities as diligence, intelligence and self-suffi
Nakamoto’s ad ran, he placed an ad seeking ciency—may work against Asians, leading oth
people who were interested in starting a similar ers to ignore or dismiss their interests.
group here.
Nakagawa and others said people frequently
A year and a half later, Asian/Pacific Islander group all those of Asian descent together, failing
Lesbians and Gays claims about two dozen to distinguish between, for instance, a 23-year-
people on its mailing list, although more have old Chinese student here on a temporary visa and
attended the gatherings. Members span a wide a third-generation Korean-American raised in the
range, from recently-arrived students struggling Bay Area.
with English to fourth-generation Asian-Ameri-
In the gay community, Asians may suffer a
cans with roots in Japan, China, Korea, Hawaii, particular stereotype of sexual mystique. “I feel
very uncomfortable about men who have a spe
Malaysia, India and Indonesia.
cific preference for Asians. It makes me feel like
some kind of exotic trophy,” said Chee.
Steps toward visibility
And there are other, everyday irritations.
On a smaller scale, the Portland group mirrors
a similar push nationally among Asian lesbians Chee says some friends assume all Asians are
and gays weary of being overlooked by a com undemonstrative and may be reluctant to hug
munity that often flaunts its values of diversity him. Larry, who moved here from Hong Kong
three and a half years ago, is often ignored in res
and inclusion.
“Unity,” said Scot Nakagawa, “is not just taurants until he flags a waiter and asks for help.
"More than anything, Asians get overlooked,”
about walking down the street together in a
march, holding hands. When people of color say said Nakamoto, who is 31. “It’s that myth of the
[to lesbians and gay men] that we need to deal ‘model’ Asian minority.”
with the problem of racism, people say we’re
being divisive.”
Coming out of cultural bounds
Few gay men and lesbians have an easy time
Last October, several members of ACT UP in
New .York decided to form an Asian-Pacific Is telling parents and other relatives about their
lander caucus, catalyzed by such issues as the sexual orientation. But the coming-out process
lack of services and education for Asian people may be particularly traumatic for Asian men and
women whose cultures tend to be intensely pri
with AIDS.
Gay and lesbian Asian activists also re vate about sexual and emotional matters.
Nearly all those interviewed—whether their
sponded angrily to the plans of two New York
queer organizations for benefit performances of parents were accepting or horrified by news
Miss Saigon, a Broadway play that drew fire about their offspring’s sexual orientation—said
from Asians when Jonathan Pryce, a white actor, part of the resolution is a tacit agreement not to
discuss the matter further.
was cast as a Eurasian.
In Portland, according to a number of Asian
Karen Fong, whose father is Chinese and
whose mother is American, said her parents may
have been more accepting of her lesbianism be
cause their own mixed marriage challenged cul
tural norms. She is certain her father knows of
her sexual orientation, although she has never
told him directly.
“He’s stayed here with us,” she said. “He
came in one day and asked me where [my lover]
slept. I said, ‘In here. With me.’ My mother
didn't want me to tell him.”
Nakamoto, a Japanese-American raised in
California’s Orange County, said her mother was
“pretty upset” when she learned that her daugh
ter was a lesbian. “She didn’t talk to me for quite
a while. It’s still not something we talk about.
My parents are quite traditional even though they
were both bom here.”
That traditionalism persists, even among the
siblings of gay men and lesbians. Larry, 23, is a
mechanical engineering student at Portland State
University. He came out to his sisters and broth
ers just seven months ago, when a new relation
ship made it intolerable to hide his sexuality.
“One of my sisters brought up God; another
brought up loving from the parents. One brother
said I’m not a human being,” he recalled. At the
recent wedding of Larry’s sister, his aunt ap
proached him with tears in her eyes and asked to
have a private meeting with him; he assumes the
subject will be his sexuality.
“I’ve been trying to find a reason why I told
them,” he said. “I have a very naive reason. If my
sister can bring her boyfriend to the house, why
can’t I? I can’t lie to myself. I have to tell them
in order to free myself.”
A language barrier—sometimes standing be
tween Asian-born parents and their more assimi
lated children—can further block the communi
cation process.
Lim, bom in Indonesia and raised in Hong
Kong, said his language doesn’t even have suf
ficient words to describe the concepts of same-
«M it
? Ju ly 1 M 1 Y 17
lesbian] was seen as something tremendously
stupid and disappointing to the family.”
Chee and others find themselves hindered on
all sides by secrecy and stereotypes— Asians’
myths about gays, gay and lesbian misunder
standings about Asians. Because gay culture so
often seems synonymous with white culture, a
gay son or lesbian daughter may be regarded as
a traitor, someone actively flouting ethnic heri
tage as well as parental expectations.
And cultural pressures to marry and raise
children bear down even on those whose parents
live far away. Lim and Kim, both 27, said they
hesitate to get too involved in Portland’s Asian
community because they would be questioned
about their unmarried status and pressured to find
a wife or husband.
Torn between identities
Many of those interviewed said they felt am
bivalent about their Asian roots, unsure what as
pects of their heritage to claim, not certain
whether they really belong.
Karen Fong, who was raised in El Paso and
attended a high school that was 50 percent His
panic, said she sometimes squirms when the
subject of identity politics comes up. “I’m un
comfortable when there’s discussion about mi
nority groups. I’m not sure whether I am one or
not.”
Kim, adopted at the age of nine months, re
members stepping off the plane on her first visit
to Korea several years ago. She felt at home
among hundreds of people whose features re
sembled hers. But they scoffed at her when she
tried a few tentative phrases in Korean or
fumbled with her chopsticks.
“I find myself not dealing enough with
Asians," said Chee. “I separated myself from the
Asian community for a long time. I feel embar
rassed that I still have this internalized racism.”
But he and others are trying to mend those
sex love and partnership. "It’s doubly hard to inner wounds, knit their identities as Asians and
come out to your parents when you don’t have a Pacific-Islanders, gays and lesbians, into a whole
word for it,” he said.
The A/PILG group is one attempt to create a
place where it is safe to be all of who they are.
Family ties hold firm
And there are other efforts. Scot Nakagawa,
The primacy of family in Asian cultures af through work with the Coalition for Human
fects, to some degree, all the gay men and lesbi Dignity and the Asian-Pacific American Alli
ans interviewed. Many preferred to use only first ance, tries to teach people how racism and homo
names in this article, for a variety of reasons. phobia coincide.
Some feared their U.S. vis» could be threatened.
Karen Fong studies tai chi and discovered,
Others were concerned that parents or relatives in through a course in Chinese philosophy, that she
the area would find out. Chee worries that his has traits distinctive to her heritage, such as a
efforts to work in the Asian community on issues strong work ethic and strict sense of family loy
such as HIV education might be hindered if he alty.
were fully, publicly out.
Others will keep talking, pressing past the
‘There’s still a measure of lack of safety,” he stereotypes that surround them, because the price
said. “A lot of it has to do with family honor, of silence is too high.
saving face for the family.”
“I would really like to have my family know
“Japanese American families put a lot of I’m involved in a gay community and doing
pressure on their children to excel, to succeed in things productively," said Larry. “I have no in
this society,” said Nakamoto. “There’s a lot of tention to hide my enjoyment.”
emphasis on loyalty. So [my coming out as a