CAP'S Chris Smith
Turning to Mica, the invisible kid
BY
A N D D E E
H O C H M A N
ast year, on his 36th birthday, Chi is
Smith gave him self a new name. A new
old name. There's a story behind it. H e'll tell
you if you ask.
Smith, the interim chair o f the Cascade
AIDS Project, sits at la Patisserie, catching a
sm all respite after a morning management
meeting. N ext h e'll head to the Golden West
Hotel, where he works as director o f the
Bridgeview Community, a residence fo r adults
L
with a history o f homelessness and m ental
illness.
Sm ith’s face is slightly ruddy from the
sum m er's first sunshine. He wears casual gray
pants, a peach camp-shirt, an amethyst crystal
on a chain around his neck, a woven bracelet
on one wrist. Some people dress fo r the setting,
some from the soul. There is no doubt to which
group Smith belongs.
H is conversation travels the quieter back
roads, not the bustling interstates. He talks
about CAP and its mission, about moving to
Portland from Denver 11 years ago, about
finding his way to people-oriented work. Before
becoming director o f Bridgeview, he worked as
a case manager fo r M ental Health Services
West. There is nothing guarded in Sm ith's man
ner, in his laugh.
He tells his story casually, like a handker
chief unfurling from a pocket, relaxed and easy,
all the creases fam iliar. A series o f events and
choices have brought M ica Smith to this name
and place and time, and it is absolutely the
right setting, and he is pleased to be in it.
“I’ve been on the CAP board for five years
and I’ve been a PAL for six years. Before CAP
there was an organization called CHESS—
Community Health and Essential Support
Services. As the transition (to CAP) started to
happen, I thought one of the ways I might be
useful was to be on the board. I really wanted to
become more involved in the decision-making
processes.
“I ’m a pretty good nurturer and caretaker
and fixer and all those things. So part of (My
involvement with CAP) feeds into that But a
bigger part of me feels that this is really
important stuff.
“Before I became chair of the board (in
January), I had decided that enough was
enough and I needed to take some time away.
That was in the middle of a time when the
board was going through a big process of
change. The board at that time felt like a really
difficult place to be.
“But when we got new energy on the board,
I remember coming to the next meeting and
thinking, ‘This is how it should feel. Maybe I
can stick it out’.”
"I feel proud of this organization. The
people who work here are incredibly commit
ted. When I see them in the community and I
hear people talk about the work they’re doing,
it makes me feel like w e’re really doing
something meaningful.
“Not that w e’re perfect. We have holes in
our service system, holes in what we can and
can’t do. (We’ve had to) leam very quickly
how to grow from being a grass-roots organiza
tion to a sophisticated, recognized force in this
community.
“We certainly have responded to the gay
men’s community. I don’t think we have
responded as well to the people-of-color
communities or to the women’s community.
That’s partly (due to) management of resources,
management of where the disease hits the
hardest.
“W e’re going to have to struggle with how
we are going to provide the most effective,
meaningful array of services to the group of
people who need it the most. At first, we fell
the organization should respond mostly to
people who have AIDS. Very quickly we found
out that there were lovers who were in need,
and mothers and fathers and sisters and
brothers— a whole network of people.
“My favorite place to be (at CAP) will
always be as a PAL. That’s where my heart
really lies. I’ve had amazing gifts come to me
through PAL.
“Part of that experience is learning about
what it’s like to be an open person who is able
to hear what people are saying underneath their
words. In traditional mental health work, often
that way of finding connectedness is really lo st
It’s lost in the jargon, the bureaucracy, the
psycho-babble.
“I’ve tried to take that back to my work at
Bridgeview, not only in supervising the staff
but also in dealing with the residents.
“I’m from Denver. That’s where I did my
Wonder-Bread years. I had come here a couple
years in a row to visit a friend who was going
to Lewis and Clark. Coming from that high, dry
area into this lush greenness was like a little bit
of heaven. It never rained once while I was here
on vacation, and I didn’t translate why it was so
green until I’d moved here!
“I tried to leave once, when I was about 29
and went on vacation to Hawaii. All of a
sudden the romance of the weather and the
tropics really swept me away. So I quit my job
and sold all my belongings and moved to
Hawaii. I came back. I came back for good.
This really feels like home to me.
“I’ve had a myriad o f other jobs, I was a
soda jerk for awhile, and I worked in a credit
bureau with computers. When I came to
Oregon, I decided I wanted to do something
completely different, so I worked in a real
estate department for one of the banks here. It
was awful, completely awful.
“Both my parents really influenced me. My
father started out his career as a Methodist
minister and moved from there into social
work. He worked as a counselor for the Big
Brother program in Denver. My mother has
been a teacher for a number of years. So both
my parents have this kind of helper bent.
“Growing up as a kid, our house was the
house where the neighborhood gathered. It
drew those who were troubled or were having
problems at home. We always seemed to have
somebody who needed a little love and support.
I was the one who had the shoulder to cry on.
I’m pretty convinced it’s one of those gifts I
have and that it makes sense for me to be here.
“I’m not very good at following my own
advice—reaching out to my friends and family
to say, ‘I need your shoulder’ or ‘I need
somebody to take care of me for a little while
because I ’m feeling stressed out.’ But I’m
getting better at that. I do a fair amount of
writing. Sometimes it’s a journal; sometimes a
short story or poetry; sometimes just a process
of putting down whatever’s going on in my
head. I spend a part of each day in some kind of
meditation, which often involves a lot of
creative visualization.
“I found out that I was HIV-positive about
three years ago. Prior to that, for two-and-a-half
years I had been facilitating an HIV support
group for CAP. My approach to the people in
this group was (to say), ‘We have power over
wellness and over illness.’
“But there was always this little . . . twinge
or something between me and the group
because I had not been tested, so one of the
things I got from finding out that I was positive
myself was: ‘Put up or shut up . . . Do you
really believe this?’ And I do.
“Now what I ’m trying to do is develop a
sense of community for myself, sort of like my
extended family. I have tons of really good
friends, but somehow I ’m wanting it to feel a
little more organized or formal.
“There’s a story behind (my name). When I
was about six my mom told me how they came
to name me. They had decided that if I was a
boy they were going to name me Corey. And
my mother’s mother said that if they named me
Corey she would disown me and not acknowl
edge me as a grandson, that I had to be named
Jerome. Somehow Christopher was a compro
mise between those two.
“But in my six-year-old little brain I got real
angry. I was mad at my parents for not sticking
to their belief. So I had this invisible playmate
whose name was Mica. W e kind of became
one. I used Chris until I moved to Oregon, and
for some reason, on my birthday last year it
became clear to me that I needed to re-establish
who I really feel like.
“It’s been an interesting process because
most people in Oregon know me as Chris. I’m
in a name warp. I still respond to both. They
have really different feelings for me.
"There’s something warm about that name
(Mica), kind of a magic about i t I think that has
to do with this invisible kid.”
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just out ▼ 19 ▼ August 1990