Coming out, step by step
Even though my mother allows me to attend Windfire meetings,
it doesn't really mean that she approves of the group
BY
MELISSA
KILBY
earning to cope with straight society has
been one of the most difficult things
about coming o u t I was 15 when I really
started to think about my sexuality. I'm now
17 and starting to deal with the closed-minded
people of today’s society. When I mention the
idea of being a lesbian to some of my family
members their reactions vary from “You’re
welcome in our home because we love you,”
to “I don’t want you to come around here any
more.” The acceptance of my sexual
orientation by my family is a matter all in
itself, because some people in my family are
really open-minded and find that accepting me
is a lot easier than tearing my heart and their
hearts apart. Other members of my family are
very closed-minded and would rather not be
“exposed” to my choice in life.
I ’ve found that nothing I have said or done
could change the way some members of my
family think of me. I’ve not come out to all
my family y e t I stress “yet” because I want
some of my family to attend my high school
graduation. For example, an uncle and his
wife wouldn’t allow me to be a part of their
life or family if they knew I was a lesbian. I ’m
very proud of who I am and who I love, I just
feel that they aren’t ready to know.
I’ve gotten used to people being rude and
crude to me and my friends because we are
lesbians. I still have problems when I ’m
around members of my family who don’t
know that I ’m a lesbian, although they do
know that I ’ve thought of it. They make
comments about gay men or lesbians and
know that I have a lot of gay friends, and they
also know that what they are saying is making
me angry. I ’m afraid to ask them Ip be quiet
because then they would question the fact that
I’m standing up for something they feel I
shouldn’t stand up for.
In order for me to accept my sexuality I
had to prove to m yself that I was a lesbian.
One of the steps to doing this was joining
Windfire and another was dating someone and
finding out for myself that I really care a lot
about her. I ’m now really comfortable with
the way I feel and I want to tell the world that
I’m a lesbian and proud of i t
The first time I went to my lover’s house I
felt really awkward because her family knows
that I am a lesbian and that we are an item, but
since I ’ve gotten to know her family. I ’ve
become a lot more comfortable.
Being the only child left at home has its
good and bad points. Even though my mother
allows me to attend Windfire meetings, it
doesn’t really mean she approves of the
group. She lets me attend the meetings hoping
and praying that I ’m going to come home and
tell her I ’m not a lesbian, which puts pressure
on me. Even though my mom accepts me
because I ’m her only daughter and the only
child left at home, she’s always telling me that
she would like to see me with a boy.
L
My mom respects my friends and their
choice in life even though she would rather
see me around “straight” kids my age. I
respect her opinion on what I should do with
my life and that she will never tell me that it’s
going to be the way she wants i t I listen to
what she says and she lets me live my life the
way I want to. When I mention being a
lesbian to my mother she doesn’t mind talking
about it until I say something about me being
a lesbian. When I do approach the subject I
ask her about an old lesbian friend of hers and
why she never sees her any more. My mom
was proud of her friend because this lady was
there for my mom when a friend was really
needed, but they lost contact over the years. I
hope that one day I ’ll meet this special friend
of my mom’s and then maybe I ’ll have
someone close to my mom who understands
me.
How do I deal with my peers? The small
group of kids I grew up with (and attend high
school with) learned to accept homosexuals
when we were young because the mother of
some of the kids is a lesbian. I believe that
growing up around gays and lesbians is very
rewarding to a kid because they grow up
open-minded.
Every night I wonder what the next day is
going to be like and how much more I will
have to come out. I wonder if my friends will
accept me and how it will affect my friendship
with them. For example, after a Windfire
meeting I was with my lover and we were
waiting for her bus and we were kissing —
now that didn’t bother me at all. What did
scare me was that after she left I saw someone
from my school. I was afraid that if he saw us
kissing he might say something to someone
who would say something to someone else
and I would have a major problem at school.
The next day I saw him at school and he gave
no indication that he had seen us kissing, but
every time I see him in the hallway I think of
what a big chance I ’m taking eveiy time I kiss
or hold my lover’s hand in public.
Day by day, step by step learning as each
day and step goes by.
Who I will come out to next and what will
be their reaction?
Will they accept me or will they disown
me?
Living and learning as each day goes by.
Step by step every choice I make is a
moment to hurt or a moment to cherish. Will I
lose a straight friend or gain a better and
stronger friendship? Day by day, step by step
learning as each day and step goes by learning
and living, living and learning.
What this all amounts to is that in my life I
feel that there are some people I still have to
learn to deal with and that some people are
already accepting me. I realize that as I come
out more and more it will get harder to cope
with, but now I know I have friends and
programs to turn to when I feel the need to
just cry out.
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