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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 1, 1989)
Just .out?' Teddy Be Express A new kind of dating The best thing to do is date yourself; the advantages are myriad A Charismatic church serving the entire community . BY DANDI, JULIE, KAREN, KRONDA, MATTHEW, MELISSA. RICH and STEPHANIE R elationships are hell. You always expect them to be perfect and they never are. You think just because you are in love or say you’re in love or think you might be in love that they will be easy. Sometimes one person is serious and the other isn’t. Nobody ever knows what they want in a relationship. Sometimes partners even change their minds in midstream. When you’re dating someone you become irrational about such things as “What am I wearing?”, “What am I going to wear?”, “Have they seen me in this too many times?” You worry when they look at someone else; they get upset when you look at someone else. They always expect you to spend your free time with them. You lose touch with all your friends because you’re focusing on this relationship that’s going to last forever. Sometimes you say, “I love you” way too soon and have to live up to it and can’t — or you just try to live up to it and end up living a lie. If you’re underage they always try to force you — excuse me, I meant subtilely encour age you — to sneak into gay bars with them. Afterwards you hate each other or you get hurt or worse yet they tell you they “just want to be friends.” And who invented this idea of being friends after you break up, anyway? It’s total BS; it never works; it just makes you feel miserable. What being friends means is that you get to smile and pretend to be happy while the person who dumped you calls to further break your heart by telling you all v about the gorgeous man or woman they have met, all their strong points (which are: a) all of your weak points; or b) all of your strong points, too), how good he or she is in bed, how many times they had sex last night, and everything you don’t want to know about anyone, let alone your ex’s latest. So, being single must be the answer, right? But this is something you discover not to be true on the first night you sit at home while your friends — whom you have lost touch with — are out doing something else. Or all your best friend can talk about is his or her newest crush/thing/fiing/relationship/ marriage. And of course, the minute you become single, all your friends spontaneously couple. If you’re single, you don’t have anyone to share those special times with — Hallmark cards become irrelevant. Single people have no one to be “pookie” with. You feel unattractive and undesirable. You always get the urge to call someone around midnight and there’s no one you can call. Some people make you feel like scum (singular) because you’re not with someone. You become weak and vulnerable and say yes to people you wouldn’t ordinarily give the time of day. But what, you may ask, if you want to be single? If — god (or goddess or Satan or whomever you believe in) forbid — you actually decide you are actually happy being single, all of a sudden people will chop from the sky wanting to date you — men, women, extraterrestrials, sasquatch, whatever. You will receive more unimaginative lines and obnoxious come-ons than you can shake a stick at and this will make you miserable if nothing else does. If you are in this situation, consider writing a book — World’s Worst Lines. But remember, if you do decide you don’t want to be single, then there won’t be anyone to date. In light of all this we have decided that we need a third option. But what? Buy a plant? Get a cat? Take up writing and write depres sing poetry? Catch up on your homework? (Too boring.) Give yourself a facial? But new clothes? Make yourself hot cocoa every night? Go for long drives in the country? These are all very good ideas. However, we have determined that the best thing to do is date yourself. You may ask, “What’s the point?”, or “Why would I want to do that?” But think about it for a moment. The advantages of dating yourself are myriad. Your friends will like the person you’re dating and the person you’re dating will like your friends. It is impossible to be codependent with yourself. You always get to go where you want on dates. Whenever something is wrong in your relationship, you’ll know what it is. Any time you have free time, so does your date. (This is particularly useful for those of us with crazy schedules.) You never end up having to spend more money on a date than you can afford. Your partner won’t have any annoying habits that drive you crazy. You don’t have to deal with the person’s family. You’ll never be pressured to change to please your partner, only to please yourself. Dating yourself is good for self esteem, which is more than we can say about many of our past relationships. You can’t catch any diseases when dating yourself. Your partner won’t steal the covers or accuse you of stealing the covers. You won’t have any expensive phone bills if one of you goes out of town. You don’t have to worry about bad breath, body odor, or how awful you look in the morning. And best of all, you won’t get dumped. The only problem with dating yourself is that sometimes you end up with the threesome of me, myself, and I; if this bothers you, feel free to tell one of you to stay home. Well, that and you won’t get to meet sasquatch, but then again, who wants to risk turning down sasquatch? ▼ Over 100 personalities to choose from. r or information and service time: Pastor Nita (503) 287-7759 Pastor Judy (206) 892-6861 CALL 220-BEAR 3 8 0 3 S .W . M orrison Morrison A Park EVERYTHING FOR YOUR OLD HOUSE PORTLAND'S OLDEST AND FINEST STORE FOR OLD HOUSE RENOVATORS. VISIT OUR SHOWROOM • LIGHTING • PLUMBING • HARDWARE EXPLORE OUR WAREHOUSE • ARCHITECTURAL ELEMENTS • VINTAGE DOORS WE BUY AND SELL! 10% OFF ALL NEW LIGHTING & PLUMBING WITH THIS AD! Valid on a single purchase before Feb. 15,1990 REJUVENATION HOUSE PARTS CO. 901 N. Skidmore Portland, OR 97217 249-2038 OPEN MON THRU SAT, 9 to 5:30. ~ THE PROMISE i ' OF SPRING PAPERWHITES • TULIPS • FKEESIA • IRIS DAFFODILS • ALLIUMS • HYACINTHS D.M.D. A GENTLE APPROACH TO DENTISTRY_______ 1220 N. Jantzen Ave. Suite 480, Second Floor Send someone you love a Teddy Bear. Prayer, Praise and Healing r STEPHEN D. YEW, ' Baby, it’s cold outside. M in istries Hours: Tuesday - ^ t u r d u y 8 a m - 5 Phone: pm 289-1215 DRAGONFLY GARDENS 2230 SE Hawthorne Blvd. 235-9150 Hours: Mon -Sat. 10-6 Sun. 10-5 juxi rut ▼ 13 ▼ November 1989