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A teacher comes out
/
am not afraid now o f someone shooting me, but I do not
deny the possibility o f it.
BY S U N N Y M c H A L E S K Y E D A N C E R
am a lesbian, a mother, and a musician. I
teach music at Bellfountain School in a
small community 15 miles south of Corvallis.
I spoke out against Ballot Measure 8 last
November, in an article in the Corvallis Gazette-
Times. Subsequent to publication of the article,
students were removed, by their parents, from
my classes.
Only one mother told me the reason she had
removed her children from my classes. She
asked me if what she had read in the paper was
true. I said that it was all true and that I am a
lesbian. She explained that because of the con­
fusion she was experiencing between her
religious beliefs and her religious limits she
could not allow her children to be around a
lesbian.
It has been four months since the article was
publ ished in the paper and I’d like to share what
has happened to me in that time.
At first. I was frightened — for my life, for
the safety of my family. My own internalized
homophobia ran rampant. I spent the 20 minute
drive to school crying, not breathing, not
singing, and most of all. not letting the pictures
in my head turn into a movie — my death
movie.
Every day that I taught (I am a non-
contracted. non-certified . part-part-time
employee of the Monroe School District). I
would walk into the classroom and find more
and more students leaving my classroom to go
w ith another teacher. Some of the students
would hunker their bodies as far from me as
possible to avoid contact of any kind. Last year,
these same kids would go out of their way to say
‘hi’ to me.
Two parents expressed their support and
amazement, but said that they were not
surprised at the community’s response. One
teacher said. “ I don’t mind if you are gay. I
don't understand it or support it. necessarily,
but w hy here? Don’t you know you’ll never get
I
a job in this state because of this?”
The principal, who doubles as the seventh
and eighth grade teacher in this four room
school, has now said ‘hello’ to me only six
times over a period of three and one-half
months, (as opposed to every day).
The Christmas Program was interesting.
Traditionally, it is organized and directed by a
past teacher from Bellfountain School. When I
asked the principal the date of the program
he said over his shoulder, “ Oh, you don’t
need to be there!” I said I thought it should be
left up to the students in the band, they had been
rehearsing for this program for two months.
When the students were asked if they wanted to
perform, they said yes.
I asked six or seven allies to be quietly pre­
sent at the program. I was very scared and
needed their support. The band was the first on
the program. (We had to get very creative in our
arrangements as we had one drum and one
clarinet! It is a sound I have grown quite fond of
in the past few months!)
The organizer came over and said the band
was ready and walked back to her chair. I
stepped in front of the crowd of parents, at least
half of whom had removed their children from
my classes and ad libbed lightly about the
program order, gave a brief cultural history of
our three selections for the evening, and the
Land performed them. Then the Christmas
Program was formally opened, parents
welcomed, and introductions made — everyone
was introduced — except the band.
After the holiday break I returned to school to
be welcomed by a group of girls who, upon my
stepping out of my car. ran screaming into the
school. “ Ah. here she comes!!! Don’t let the
queer touch you!! AH!! AH!! ” This became my
regular Tuesday welcoming committee. I was
called •-faggot • to my back, had kids pretend to
throw up when i walked into their classroom,
and sneak out of class to come stare at me while
I taught band.
Three and one-half months after the initial
levels of dicrimination-avoidance, the principal
came to me and said, “ We don’t allow any
disrespect around here for anybody whatsoever.
So. if you are being called names, or anything, I
want to know about it. So you tell me and we’ll
take care of those kids.” I laughed inside, over
three months of blatant discrimination and
NOW they say they don’t allow it!! A week
later there was a short assembly for all students,
the message was simple: for any act of
disrespect towards any of the teachers or staff
students would be punished in school, and
suspended the second time.
Recently I asked the principal, “ I had 62
students, now I have 28. I don’t know why the
students aren’t in my classes. W hy?” He said,
“ I don’t know. But I’ll look into it for you.”
I’m still at Bellfountain School teaching.
What I know is that this experience has given
me a sense of freedom I have never known. I’ve
been out in Corvallis for over nine years, and
everywhere else I’ve been as well. I am not
afraid now of someone shooting me. 1 also do
not deny the possibility of it. And I am not
living my life by my fears of being “ found
out." I am living my life ‘o u t.’
The Corvallis community, both lesbian/gay
and heterosexual, has been consistently suppor­
tive. I have received phone calls from business
owners, strangers, acquaintances, and friends,
as well as supportive letters to the editor to the
local paper during the last four months.
The more of us that come out the more of us
are visible. Being visible, we no longer are
strangers, distant and unknown, to hang cruel
“ queer" jokes on. Being visible, we are a posi­
tive force in eliminating the perpetuation of
lesbian and gay stereotypes by being proud of
who we are and sharing our limitless selves with
the people around us.
I’ve learned how to laugh loudly, to see other
people behave negatively toward me and not
take it in. how to cry while driving, and that my
fear is society's homophobia that I have inter­
nalized. By letting g o o f my own homophobia I
become a powerful creative lesbian.