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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 1, 1989)
Bringing Sharon home ‘They really do believe they're doing what's right for their daughter; that's what's so scary. They look at me with such hatred , like I'm somehow trying to hurt their daughter , like what I'm doing is so horrible. They can't see. Homophobia and sexism and handicapism, these things are deadly.'' ‘ ■> — Karen Thompson BY K . C . de G U T E S As Sharon’s court appointed guardian, he has denied Thompson any visitation rights. Kowalski contends that his daughter is incom petent, hence unable to reliably express her ike most couples, you’ve probably played concerns about visitation. Due to the manipula out worst case scenarios — ‘ ‘ What i f 1 was disabled?” “ What if I had a stroke and couldn't tion of Jack Fena (Donald Kowalski’s attorney), the court concurred and disallowed communicate ?” — but firmly committed, you promise reassuringly to love and care for one much testimony to the contrary. another, always. You know how it goes, “ That ‘‘They really do believe they’re doing what’s could never happen to me.” right for their daughter; that’s what’s so scary,’ ’ Thompson said in an interview with Just Out. But Karen Thompson knows that it can happen. In 1983, Sharon Kowalksi, “ They look at me with such hatred, like I am somehow trying to hurt their daughter, like what Thompson’s life-partner, was severely injured I am doing is so horrible. They can’t see. in an automobile accident. For five years, Homophobia and sexism and handicapism, despite mounting legal bills and bitter court these things are deadly. battles, Thompson has kept her vow to Sharon — kept it unrelentingly. “ They are so convinced, in their minds, that “ Can this really be happening?” Thompson Sharon is totally helpless, that she's like a writes in her book . Why Can’t Sharon Kowalski vegetable, that they don’t think that keeping her Come Home? “ Is this the Sharon who left our separated from me could possibly hurt her. I’m house just eight hours ago? I stared at her in this horrible creature that obviously they’re disbelief. Will she remember me? 1 wondered. protecting her from. They just don’t get it.” Will she remember our relationship? The dreams we had shared, which had seemed so ast September, over strenuous objections important to me just a few hours before, became from Donald Kowalski, doctors conducted insignificant in relation to the gravity of what Sharon’s first full evaluation for competency, was happening now. I’m not going to let you even though the guardianship order required die. I love you. I need you. You’ve got to keep such testing at least annually. Minnesota fighting, Sharon. I found myself breathing with District Court Judge Robert Campbell, who Sharon, fo r Sharon. As I heard her labored ordered the tests, also ordered that the contents breathing, I got closer to her, breathing deeply of the doctors’ reports are confidential to and slowly to keep her going.” Sharon Kowalksi and would not be released to the press. He did, however, issue a statement Kowalski improved immensely — learning which said: “ The evaluation stated that Ms. to write, swallow, even speak — largely due to Kowalski’s level of mental functioning is Thompson’s persistence and patience. Thomp adequate but untested. She is able in a closed son worked daily with Kowalski, helping her to but secure setting to express her needs directly. regain basic life-skills. But neither Thompson However, communication skills are not nor Kowalski could know that their fight was adequate at present time to determine her true only just beginning. level of mental functioning. At present time it is Thompson’s unfailing commitment aroused recommended that Ms. Kowalski be placed into Sharon’s father’s suspicions. In Donald a long-term rehabilitative facility to look Kowalski’s eyes, Thompson was only a particularly at her communication skills and to “ friend” — a friend involved entirely too also assess the situation concerning her family much with his daughter. Kowalski threatened to and significant other relationship.” deny visitation rights to Thompson. Panicked Karen Thompson “ The report completely validated that over this prospect, Thompson disclosed, in a letter, their lesbian relationship. Sharon can understand, that Sharon can com municate, that she wants to see me even though “ I do love her. My love is for an adult, a hour attendant care. I’ve never denied that. But it makes her father angry,” Thompson said. beautiful, sensitive person who has become my a lot of people live outside of institutions as long “ Sharon understands. The doctors found that whole world. You can deny Sharon’s and my as they have attendant care. There is no medical with a viable communu ation system in place, relationship to yourselves. You can pretend that reason why Sharon has to be in an institution. Sharon is capable of making her basic life I don't exist. But you cannot alter facts. Sharon We need to get her outside of an institution, we and I love each other,” Thompson wrote. choices. And these people [the Kowalski's] need to get her doing things again, living. My read that report and they say, ‘See, she’s totally But Donald Kowalski does deny the possi God, the woman has been a prisoner for the last bility that any lesbian relationship ever existed. helpless.’ And I think, my God, how can they three-and-a-half years. She needs to see people, live with themselves? How are they able to see that what she says means something, have sleep at night? This time the doctors said the some input. same thing that I’ve been saying all along. “ But I can't allow myself to get really mm Now, everything I’ve written in my book, r,*t, psyched about seeing Sharon. I can’t allow that everything I’ve been saying • has been validated.” because I know the games that people [like Donald Kowalski and Jack Fena| play. And yet, owalksi was to be moved on January 3 to we’re going to win this. Deep down inside I feel Miller-Dwan Medical Center and begin more than I’ve ever felt. that we are going a 60-day program of communication rehabilita to win. tion. Once at Miller-Dwan, the facility’s “ But I've really got split emotions, now. doctors, and not Kowalski’s parents, would Since I read that report. I’ve been happier than decide who could visit during that period. I've been in a long time. I know that Sharon has not given up. They have not beaten Sharon. She “ On the third we [Thompson and her said she wants to see me even if it upsets her attorneys] got an updated court order saying that parents. She wants to see me. I was tremen Donald Kowalski had decided to retain council. dously excited. On the other hand. I’m They were given a two-week delay [in order to study the case) and so Sharon would not be probably angrier than I’ve been in a long time moved until January 17th," Thompson said, — so many years have been wasted and so many opportunities have been lost. anger creeping into her voice. “ But I can’t give up hope. I’m always optimistic — sometimes “ Seeing Sharon again — I don’t know what more than others — but I’ve thought from the my relationship with Sharon is. Sharon and I are beginning, and I still absolutely believe that it’s strangers. I'm in love with a memory. Through possible to bring Sharon home. She needs 24- no desire, no will of her own, Sharon, after the » y e v ; i 37: L L * * K S 7 i w i f ju.\i oui • 14 • K’bnjarv 1989 jm accident, was a totally differ» nt person. During that next 21 months (before Thompson was denied visitation rights) we had a chance to grow together, get to know each other again, fall in love all over again, and work through that time. We thought we could make it. Now we’ve been separated for three-and-a-half years and what’s happened? How has Sharon changed? Is she different? She’s bound to be different. I’m certainly different. The person she last saw was not a feminist, was not an activist. Will she love me the way I am now? We’re two absolute strangers. It’s going to take us time. Time to see where we are. “ I know I love this woman with every part of my being. Whether I care for Sharon as a friend or whether we find our way back to being part ners, will be something that Sharon and 1 will have to work out very slowly. “ I know that I am the best qualified person to care for Sharon. I will see that Sharon gets the best possible medical care. I’ll see to it that she's self-determining in her own future — as much as she can be — that Sharon lives as normal a life as possible. I want her to be able to live. I want to bring Sharon home.” • Editor's addendum: Sharon Kowalski was moved to the Miller-Dwan Medical Center in Duluth, according to a story in Gay Community News (January 22-28, 1989E