Hospital blues
I experienced an overwhelming sense of helplessness in the
face of such debilitating pain. asked every two minutes
'Now? Now can you give her something?’ ’
/
,
‘
B_Y__ K E L L
Y
M
A
S E JC
t all seemed to come at once: my partner’s
hysterectomy, a close friend’s breast cancer,
a sudden awareness of vulnerability and
mortality. We were in a state of shock for
several days after my lover and I learned that
she had uterine tumors. Our circumstance was
made more difficult because we had recently
m oved. leaving behind our friends, a personal
physician and the familiarity of an old home.
I
The day we called to tell two of our dearest
friends o f our situation we learned that one of
them had been diagnosed with breast cancer.
Any one of these conditions would be de
manding in its own right, but taken in a dose of
three it was like missing a whole flight o f steps
in the dark. We were stunned. We lived very
quietly for the next several days, afraid to make
any sudden moves, loud noises, or draw any
more o f life’s attention our way. My partner
began her education in hysterectomy by gather
ing books from the library, and talking to
friends, physicians and any woman who would
discuss her own experience with hysterectomy.
She received the thoughtful edition Coping with
a Hysterectomy: Your Own Choice, Your Own
Solution, by Susanne Morgan. Ph D. (New
American Library, |d#5). Women speak about
their personal experiences in this book, and
Morgan offers valuable alternative as well as
traditional information.
During this information-gathering stage my
partner focused on choosing whether to have
surgery or not. I focused on what would happen
to us if she chose the surgery. Surgery meant
hospitals, and I hated hospitals with their
peculiar odor and secretiveness— the curtained
beds and mysterious proceedings. I also was
afraid of possible hospital attitudes and rules
that might separate us during this critical
time. When my partner did choose to htve
surgery we made a special appointment with
our physician to talk about the hospital, the
surgery and us. We had many questions, and we
decided to come out to our physician. The
result was gratifying. Not only were my fears
about the hospital somewhat allayed, but our
physician informed us that she considered our
relationship in spousal terms. She said she
would do everything within her power to sup
port and validate our partnership. This ensured
that I could be with my partner at all times in the
hospital, that I would have a voice and an
identity, that we would have a little more
power. Another action we could have taken,
and tine I recommend, would be to have a
power of attorney document drawn up.
A power o f attorney is a legal document that
states clearly the responsibilities o f each partner
to the other under a given set of circumstances.
For example, the document can be limited to
health care, detailing the responsibilities of one
partner if the other is medically incapacitated
and allowing one to make decisions for a part
ner who is unable to do so. A power of attorney
is not an expensive or time-consuming docu
ment to create, and it can be specific or broad in
scope. Its presence makes a strong statement to
those who will provide care for you or your
partner that you consider yourselves to be in a
legitimate partnership that must be reckoned
with during medical treatment.
I don't think there is any way to prepare for a
hospital stay. A hospital is unlike any other
place in the world. I viewed my role there as
that of primary caretaker. I was there to comfort
and reassure, ask questions, make requests or
demands, and bring edible food. As a caretaker
I logged many hours waiting — waiting for
surgery to finish, waiting for nurses to adminis
ter pain relief to my hurting partner, waiting for
healing, waiting for the other shoe to fall.
In truth, until you walk out those hospital
doors with your partner at your side in a wheel
chair (per hospital policy), you do not believe
you will ever make it out. You believe you have
entered the “ Hospital Twilight Zone.” You
believe your partner when she tells you that a
hospital is no place to heal and that she is afraid
she will not heal.
I worked hard to believe in healing in that
place — I had to believe as I watched my
partner succumb to some unknown secondary
infection and be reconnected to the hated IV for
antibiotic administration. This was our blackest
hour, second only to the time immediately post
surgery when I saw my partner existing in a
realm o f pain that frightened and sickened me.
I experienced an overwhelming sense of
helplessness in the face of such debilitating
pain. The fifteen-minute wait required to
establish vital signs prior to administration of
pain medication was eternal and hellish.
“ Now? Now can you give her something?” I
asked every two minutes. On that first long day
I was dependent on the caring and steadfastness
o f two close friends and my partner’s mother.
Together we made it through some shaky hours.
On the fifth day, the day o f the Unknown
Infection, I reached my limit. I could not stand
seeing nurses poking and prodding, practicing
their routine work on my lover — who also had
reached her limit. I fled the room only to come
face to face with a friend who happened to stop
on her way through town to see how we were
doing: the universe provides. I had a good long
cry and our friend gave us her presence like a
bouquet o f courage.
Courage is high on my list of what is needed
in a hospital. You need courage and you need
fans and supporters. It helps to decorate the
hospital room with familiar things from home.
D on’t stop asking questions until the day you
walk out the door. Key questions are, “ Why are
you doing this?’ ’ and “ Is there an alternative?’’
— especially if the current procedure is causing
more than the usual amount of pain or discom
fort to your partner. Be forewarned of the ups
and downs o f healing: There will be reminders,
perhaps weeks or months later, when unexpect
ed pain or bleeding sends you and your partner
hurtling back to that vulnerable time, that time
o f uncertainty. Fears will rise to the surface and
demand attention. Be especially good to
yourselves in these times because you are
fragile, but getting stronger.
•
Teddy
Express
deliver your sweetie a bearv
lovable, huggable Valentine.
Part of the proceeds of our Valentine Weekend
sales will benefit Phoenix Rising, Portland’s
Lesbian and Gay Service Center.
Delivery includes:
Teddy Bear of your choice,
Bouquet of Balloons and
enclosure card with your
Valentine Message.
m
VISA
CALL 220-BEAR
803 SW Morrison
(Morrison & Park)
Lower-level,
Binyon Eye World Bldg.