Marge Work: speaking out for your kids
parents group is a safe place for parents to come
at whatever stage they are. Yes, it is a group
where people who are having problems with it
can talk in safety, and they’re entitled to their
feelings. However, there are a lot of us who are
to the point where we don’t have a problem with
our child’s sexuality; we want to be helpful, and
we want to know how we can take the next step
into making gay rights happen.
Every time I have said something about my son being gay,
someone has come up and said, “ You know, / have a gay son
and I've never been able to talk about it ! '
B Y A N NDEE
H O C HM
a
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fieri, Marge Work is the third to know. A
parent will call on the phone, or approach
her quietly after a meeting. It’s usually a
mother. The voice will he a little low, the
manner tentative:
' 7 just found out my son is gay.’'
* * My daughter is a lesbian.’ ’
‘ T ve never told anyone b e fo r e '
Marge Work understands. Her son, Paul
Mowry, is gay. She's spent the last seven years
learning how to tell people, her voice less tenta
tive each time. Shortly after Mowry came out,
curiosity led Work to Parents and Friends o f
Lesbians and Gays (P F IA G ) groups in St.
Louis, where she lived at the time. In hospital
corridors, she would talk to mothers who
learned that their sons were gay at the same
time they learned that the men were dving o f
AIDS
Now Work is president o f Portland’s PFIAG
chapter. She conducts workshops to help p a r
ents talk more freely with their lesbian daugh
ters and gay sons. She marches in Portland's
Lesbian and Gay Pride parade. Her one regret
is that Mowry lives 3,000 miles away. It would
be wonderful, she says, to march together.
“ My son came out in 1980, after his fresh
man year at New York University, and I didn’t
have any problem with his being gay. I had
concerns . . . I mean, some fears. Just the week
before he came home, some crazy nut hail gone
in and shot up a gay bar in New York City, and
shot somebody, and I thought, ‘Aughhh . . .
somebody’s going to hurt my wonderful son.’
The other thing I was concerned about was if he
suffered any, through high school and stuff, not
being out; had he had any discrimination. And
he said no; no. he hadn’t. He had just been
dealing with his sexuality, and going away to
school he was able to really think about it more,
and he decided that he was gay. And I felt better
that he hadn’t been hurt
“ At that time Paul was uncertain about
whether he might go into the ministry. His
father and his grandfather were Presbyterian
ministers. And Presbyterians do not ordain
gays. So I knew this, and I thought. Oh dear,
how am I going to tell him that he can’t . . . .’ It
took me a while — most o f the summer, in fact
— to be able to get up the courage to express my
fears.
“ Well, it wasn’t until the following fall that I
brought that subject up — asking first if he was
still considering going into the ministry. He was
in the school of film at NYU. He said: well,
maybe; he hadn’t really made a decision. So
then I told him. and he said. ‘Well, that’s all
right. If I do decide to go into the ministry. I’ll
just go into a denomination that ordains gays.’ It
was so easy; he had no problem. It was me! I
was projecting.
“ T hat’s pretty basic. We project a lot of our
fears, a lot o f our ideas that it’s going to be
tough, onto our kids, when it really isn’t, for
them.
“ I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since 1980
And parents come out just like gays do. of
course. and parents are out in different degrees.
I finally am totally out. Now. I always was
comfortable with my son’s sexuality, but I was
not comfortable with how I should talk to people
about it. It was a private thing I don't go around
saying. ‘I’ve got four kids, and did you know
my daughter is a heterosexual?’ The point is.
it’s a private thing. And yet. if it affects a
relationship. . . . You know. I really wanted to
Just Out • 10 • February 19X8
tell some people so that they could know Paul in
his fullest. This was after Paul said, ‘You can
tell anybody you want to.’
“ A lot o f parents think, ‘If we just find out
[whether homosexuality is genetically deter
mined], then we don’t have to feel guilty; we
d on’t have to feel it’s something we did, and
then it will make it easier for society to accept.’
That may be true. However, I’m concerned
with parents and their kids right now. Instead of
really being concerned about what this sociolo
gist or that sexual psychologist or statistician
says about this, why don’t we just ask our kids
how they feel. And when they knew. And how
they know. And what their feelings are about
their sexuality.
“ I wanted to know more. My son had
brought me the book Now That You Know, and
I read it and I found out there was a group for
parents. And I thought, ‘Well, that would be
neat.’ I was in Chicago at the time, in Evanston.
I was very active in the Presbyterian Church and
was on the social-action committee. One of the
young men on the committee said there was
going to be a meeting on the issue of homosexu
ality and the church, and that the representative
from the Parents o f Gays group was going to be
there.
“ I went to that meeting. So here I am, sur
rounded by all these clergy who I know from all
these various things, and I have not talked. And
I know what the Presbyterian Church’s stand is.
And the more I thought about it, the more
annoyed I was getting with the Presbyterian
Church that they would not ordain my son if he
wanted to be, because he was better than most
o f them. We were sitting there, about 40 o f us.
and the first thing that this woman said was,
‘How many of you in this room have a gay
child?’ Well. I nearly died. And I thought, ‘Was
that question really necessary? Do I have to
answer that ?’ That. I think, was the hardest
thing o f all o f these years. Nothing was as hard
as that decision. And I raised my hand. And
that, I think, set the course for where I went
from there. But I’ll tell you: my body heat was
going up into my face. You know how you get
when you get real hot; my heart was ringing in
my ears, and I was just looking straight ahead
and I raised my hand and put it down again, and
I thought. ‘Aighhhh!’
“ It w asn’t fear so much as . . . I was still
feeling so hurt that he would be hurt. And I was
angry. I mean. I was angry. These weren’t close
friends o f mine. They were part of the clergy.
They were part of the church that was saying,
‘Your son is not good enough to be ordained in
this church.’ So I was transferring my anger to
some o f these perfectly nice people who prob
ably didn't feel that way. In fact, the chairman
o f the committee that I was on was sitting right
behind m e. And when the meeting was over, he
leaned forward and said, ‘Bless you. Marge,
and your son. Paul.’ It was so dear I mean, it
was such a sweet thing He was saying. ‘Hey,
I’m with you and it’s OK.’
‘ ‘ I almost cried; I was so near to tears anyway
because o f the combination of hurt and anger—
and feeling this was an invasion of my privacy
somehow. I thought. Why did I raise my
hand?' But I had to. you know. I thought. ‘I
can 't not acknowledge this.’ When she said that,
my hand went up to my shoulder. Through the
years, as I tell other people, maybe it goes up a
little bit higher. And now, I hold it up high and
say, ‘ Yoo hoo, here I am. Hey there, any of you
have gay kids? Oh. are you lucky!' It’s gone up
and up and up.’*
Marge Work is waving her right arm in the
air. She is dressed like an exclamation point:
fire-red sweater, matching earrings, a scoop o f
silvery hair over her forehead. She talks in
Photo by Anndee Hochman
italics edged with laughter. Every now and
then, she calls fo r affirmation from her mother,
Edna Stormont, who sits across the room.
"P aul is a splendid young man . . . isn’t he.
Grandma?”
"O h . . . the b est!’ Stormont answers.
Marge Work is unequivocal. She loves all her
kids. I f Paul weren’t gay, he wouldn't be Paul.
It is that simple.
“ Like I said, I was never uncomfortable with
Paul being gay. He said he was not afraid; he
was careful where he we n t . . . and that it didn’t
bother him about not being able to be ordained
in the Presbyterian Church. And he was happy.
And that was really all that mattered. So the
whole process for me was coming to be com
fortable with how I would talk about it o r bring
it up. At first, even if I heard a bad gay joke, I
found it difficult. . . I wouldn’t laugh. I’d say,
‘I d on’t think that's funny,’ but I didn’t say why.
“ I decided I wanted to put my activism to
work, you know, and I tried to find out what was
going on in the AIDS project. Nobody seemed
to know, so I called the medical editor of the
Chicago Tribune. I called [a clinic that he re
commended] and it turned out that I was the
only parent who had surfaced so far, you know.
So I went through the training to be a support
person — here they call it PALs — and I had as
a friend a person with AIDS. The man was 50; I
was with him for 10 months before he died.
“ When I worked at the Baha’i National
Center [near Chicago], it helped me in the
coming-out process because this was an envi
ronment where we didn’t talk about sexual
things, anyway. And they would say, ‘How was
your weekend?’ and I’d say, ‘Well, I was taking
a training on death and dying to work with
terminally ill people.’ At first, I didn’t say
‘AIDS.’ I said, ‘Well. I’d like to work in a
hospice eventually’ — which I would.
Finally, just like that day when I was asked,
‘Are there any parents of gays in this room?’ I
thought, ‘I’m not really being square about
this.’ So the next time they asked, I said, ‘Yes,
I’m going to be working with people who have
AIDS.’ And somebody said. Why?’ And I said,
very calmly, as if it were the most natural thing
in the world, ‘Because one of my sons is gay,
and anything that affects the gay community as
deeply as the AIDS epidemic does is something
that I want to give my support to.’ There was
absolute silence. But little by little, at lunch that
day, a couple of people came up to me and said,
‘You know. I’d like to talk to you more about
that. Marge. I have a cousin who’s gay
Little by little, we all began talking about
it. It was just fantastic.
* ‘And every time that I have said something
about my son being gay. this has been the re
sponse. Someone has come up later and said,
’ You know, I have a gay son. and I’ve never
been able to talk about it___ 'M y theory is that
we all need to talk about it. I mean, this is a
gradual process. I ’d call it a journey. But I think
that those of us who are out, if we do not declare
ourselves when the opportunity presents itself,
add to the conspiracy of silence.
Some parents have a really tough time. The
“ While I ’m an activist, I don’t want to give
the idea that I think everybody has to be out. I
like to think of it as a journey. And a journey
implies that there’s motion. You’re not standing
still. In a journey, you’re going from one spot to
another. And I think that our coming out is that
way. Maybe our steps are really slow. But if
each step that we take is o f good quality, it
makes a difference. I think that every time we
speak out against a gay joke, every time we
speak out against injustice and discrimination
against our kids, we are affirming our children.
And that is important. I think that we need to do
that in whatever way we can.
“ I know some parents have said that if they
had their choice, they would rather have their
child straight. I don’t feel that way. I really
mean that. My son is terrific. I feel sorry for
people who don’t have a son like I do. You
know, parents say,‘What did I do wrong?’ Well,
I don’t think w e’re responsible for everything
our kids d o . We do set up a certain environment
when they’re growing up. But I still don’t claim
credit for all o f my kids’ successes, and I cer
tainly don’t claim credit for all their failures.
But if that were true, if\ believed that, yes, I am
responsible, I wouldn’t say, ‘What did I do
wrong?’ I would say, ‘What did I do right to
have a son like Paul?’
“ Being part of the parents group, being ac
tive, helps me feel close [to Paul]. I miss him
terribly — he’s in New York, I’m here. It’s a
long way away. We don’t see each other that
often. But that is a way we keep in very special
touch, because he knows I’m doing everything I
can. I think all children like to think their p ar
ents will be there, not only to fight their cause
but also for their friends. And so, I ’m doing it
for his friends, too.”
When Mowry and Work were interviewed fo r
a recent book, Beyond Acceptance: Parents of
Lesbians and Gays Talk About Their Experi
ences, the authors said they would use the
quotes but change the names. In a pre-
publication letter, Mowry asked the authors
not to shield his identity, or his m other’s. Work
beams when she reads it:
There was a time in our lives when perhaps we
might not have felt comfortable having our names
used in reference to our experience with gayness.
Now. however, we would feel uncomfortable
sharing our experiences under a pseudonym. We
are proud of who we are: Paul as a gay person and
Marge as the mother of a gay person. We deal
with others openly and honestly in sharing our
personal experiences with being gay and loving
someone gay.
Unfortunately, we understand all too well why
it is necessary for many people to guard their
identities when it involves reference to personal
gay issues and experiences. This is all the more
reason why those of us who are ‘out’ should take
every opportunity available to re-affirm to
others: I am here. I have a name. I am a real
person.
“ A parent would not be doing their child a
service by publicly pushing being out if their
son or daughter was not totally comfortable, but
I think that what we can do if our child is not
totally comfortable is work with him or her,
because, obviously, there’s more to it. Why
aren't they comfortable; what is it? If they’re
not comfortable, period, with their sexuality,
then see what you can do in the way o f getting
counseling, or what you can do to help. Or if it’s
other issues, sit down together and say, ‘How
can we work this out? How can I help you to
reach the point where you’re totally comfort
able with who you are; the point where you are
able to celebrate yourself?' And then say to
them. ‘Because 1 celebrate you.’ ”
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