their relationship by agreeing on how much
time per month they want to spend on couple
activities and how much time pursuing separate
interests.
The next couple we’ll meet are suffering
from another common complaint — extreme
jealousy and lack of trust.
Vivian, 37, is a college professor who fre
quently travels out of town to attend profes
sional conferences. Her lover. Cay, 27, is a
potter who did not attend college. Last year Cay
became irritable and picked a fight whenever
Vivian packed to attend a conference. She stated
bitterly that she was sure Vivian would find a
woman she’d prefer at one of these conferences
and would return home to tell Cay the relation
ship was over. With each of Cay’s outbursts,
Vivian became increasingly frustrated. One
time, instead of reasonably trying to reassure
Cay as usual .Vivian yanked her suitcase off the
bed and threw it on the floor, shouting that she
might as well have an affair this time, since Cay
wouldn’t ever trust her, anyway! After more
yelling, accusations, threats and tears, the wo
men decided to go to couple counseling to see if
there were any miracles available.
Well, not surprisingly, they didn’t solve their
problem right away in counseling. They did get
ideas and support from their counselor which
helped them begin talking about what they ap
preciated in each other. Vivian told Cay she
valued Cay’s creativity, spontaneity and emo
tional warmth. Cay was relieved to hear this and
shared she’d been concerned Vivian would be
come bored with her because she didn’t feel she
could compete with Vivian’s intellectual friends.
Cay told Vivian she valued her emotional
depth, integrity, and her passion for ideas.
Vivian was pleased and confessed she’d been
afraid Cay might come to find her stodgy and
uninteresting. Vivian and Cay resolved to start
telling each other more often what they appreci
ated. This helped to remind them they did have
some strong reasons for being together.
Cay and Vivian also examined how unrealistic
expectations of each other contributed to their
problems. Vivian had assumed Cay would take
it for granted she was loved without being shown
in concrete ways. Cay assumed having a lover
would give her all the nurturing and security
she’d missed from her mother. Vivian decided
to practice showing more affection to Cay, even
if she felt awkward at first. Cay now makes a
point of planning activities with friends when
Vivian is away. The two continue to work at
talking honestly and trusting each other’s good
intentions.
One of the troublesome expectations lovers
often hold is that because someone loves us,
they’ll know what we want without being told
(and they’ll also deliver it!).
David is turning 40 next month. What he’d
really like is to have a big party to celebrate. He
and his lover, Jonathan, have a large circle of
friends. David would love to have a barbeque
for about 25 people and Jonathan s yard would
be perfect. David is afraid of appearing egotisti
cal about his birthday, so he hopes Jonathan will
surprise him with such a party without his hav
ing to bring up the subject. He frequently drops
hints to Jonathan about his upcoming birthday.
When Jon asks David how he’d like to cele
brate, David feels embarrassed to tell the truth
so he plays it cool: “ Oh, it’s no big deal.”
Jonathan has decided David is depressed about
turning 40 and would prefer a quiet day with a
couple of small gifts from Jonathan. How can
disaster be averted?
Despite what many believe, lovers can’t usu
ally read each other’s minds and it is permissi
ble and indeed, highly advisable, to ask for
what we want. When Jonathan asks David what
he’d like to do for his birthday, David could say
something like, “ Well, I hope you won’t think
this is, ah, childish and egotistical, but what I’d
really love is for you to give me a party and
invite all our friends.” There is, of course, a
chance Jonathan would say, “ You're right, it is
childish and egotistical. Forget it.” It is much
more likely Jonathan would reply along the
lines of, “ That’s a great idea. Turning 40 is a
big deal. I’m glad you feel like celebrating
instead of being depressed. I’ll start calling
tonight.’’ Jonathan would probably feel relieved
at not having to guess what David wants.
Solid couple relationships often suffer from
outside stresses such as one or both people in
school, unemployed, living with children,
coming out to parents, or having difficulties at
work. It’s vital to structure some time alone
together for intimacy, romance, sex, or even
constructive arguing — preferably not in that
order!
What — I’m recommending couples argue?
Yes, lam — i/the “ fights” are constructive. If
couples never argue, resentment can build up
and cause emotional withdrawal and eventually
destructive fighting. How can a couple fight
constructively? One step is to take responsibil
ity for our own feelings about what’s making
us mad, instead of blaming or attacking the
other person.
Discussions will be more profitable if each
person listens carefully and allows the other to
finish talking. This is hard to do when we’re
upset and one or both people may need to go for
a short walk or otherwise safely discharge phy
sical and emotional tension before discussing
their intense feelings.
Okay, we’ve done our constructive fighting,
cleared the air and resolved some differences.
We’re feeling close again. But now it’s time to
clean up the kitchen, do the laundry, go grocery
shopping or go to work. This is why we some
times need to schedule intimate, even romantic,
even sexual times. Now, I know this is not a
popular idea. We want to be free and spontane
ous — swept away by passion! So, we schedule
time for everything except special time with our
lovers. After we do all the things we have to do,
there may not be enough time left over for
making love or even a candlelight dinner. We’ll
schedule time to get our teeth cleaned and the
oil changed in the car and wonder why we never
have time to be intimate.
Some couple difficulties are more easily
solved than others. Outside help can be benefi
cial in a variety of situations, such as when: I) a
couple reaches an impasse over a recurring con
flict; 2) the couple wants to improve communi
cation skills; or 3) outside stresses are causing
strain on the relationship. Couple and/or indi
vidual counseling or other specialized help is
definitely indicated when: 1) physical and/or
emotional abuse is occurring; 2) alcohol and/or
drug abuse is involved; 3) traumatic events
from the past are having serious effects on the
relationship; or 4) the couple cannot agree on
basic “ contract” issues, for example, mono
gamy versus an “ open relationship.”
As illustrated in the examples above, couples
can often get along more happily by: 1) looking
honestly at our own feelings and talking out
problems; 2) being realistic and clear about our
expectations; 3) understanding how “ baggage”
from the past can affect our lives today;
4) fighting constructively; and 5) spending spe
cial time together.
We often think of our relationships as a thing
that we have. Kate Clinton pokes fun at this idea
when she jokes, “ Look. dear, here comes the
Relation ship!” Relating positively to another is
more accurately a challenging choice we make
each day.
•
Come out, come out, whoever
you are. National March on
Washington for Lesbian and
Gay Rights. October 11,1987.
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Just Our •
13 •
September. 1987
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