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•■•I III
G a y fa th e r: Honesty
is th e b e s t p o lic y
summer Larry Bane. 40, came
T he
out. the movie “ That Certain
Summer” was a TV hit. It centered on an
adolescent boy who runs away from home
when he find out his father is gay. The
boy’s chi Idhood love for his father couldn’t
withstand the suddenness of the revelation.
Although Larry ’s son was only two
years old, he saw the movie as an omen, a
warning of what could happen if he tried to
hide his lifestyle. That evening, he realized
he never wanted to treat his son like that.
“ I didn't want to risk letting him get to
adolescence to find out,” Larry said.
A computer systems analyst, Larry had
told his wife and family but like many gay
fathers, had not confided in his son. “ That
Certain Summer” wiped out any qualms
he had. From then on, he didn’t hide any
thing from Brandon, either. He made sure
Brandon knew his father was gay. Doors
weren’t locked; lovers weren’t hustled out
at 4 a m.; photographs and cards weren’t
hidden away in drawers.
The openness made a difference.
“ Brandon lived with me when I first left
my wife,” Larry said. “ And he had to go
through my bedroom to get to the bath
room. Brandon would often crawl into bed
with me in the early morning but if some
one was staying over, he would go back
to his own bed. From a very early age, he
knew what was going on.”
Brandon was 10 before he actually
asked Larry about being gay. He had heard
the word on the Phil Donahue TV talk
show.
“ I asked him if he knew what the term
meant,” Larry said. ‘‘He said ‘yes’ and
Just Out. 4 4 . August. 1987
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Larry Bane
then I told him never ask a question if he
didn’t want to know the answer because I
would always tell him the truth.”
Naturally, Larry said ‘yes.’
Like most children, it took Brandon
time to digest the information. Two years
went by before he brought up the subject
again. By then, Brandon was living with
his mother because Larry’s work required
extensive travel. Both parents felt it would
be better for Brandon’s education to stay in
one place.
“ 1 was living with someone by then.”
Larry said. “ Brandon asked if I had al
ways known I was gay, if I had known
when I married his mom.
“ At the time, it was the farthest thing
from my mind,” Larry said. “ I loved my
wife more than anyone I’d ever met but
looking back, you always know.”
Because Brandon felt comfortable
enough to ask questions and talk about it
openly, Larry knew that Brandon had ac
cepted his being gay. By then, a lover was
as much a part of Larry’s life as a spouse
would have been.
“ Brandon was jealous of my lover at
first but he came to love and accept him.
When we broke up — and I told Brandon
I’d asked him to leave — Brandon’s com
ment was. ‘Gee. Dad. how mean!’ ”
Though Larry has joint legal and physi
cal custody, his wife began to have second
thoughts when the spectre of AIDS first
appeared. She was worried that Brandon
could get AIDS from dishes or drinking
glasses in the house.
Larry was as forthright then as he had
been in the past.
“ I explained to her how you get AIDS.”
Larry said, “ And since I’m not going to
sleep with my son, I told her he couldn’t
possibly get AIDS from me.”
Despite the initial hysteria, Brandon
continued to spend Christmas and summers
with Larry. But Brandon — who is now 16
and is as informed about AIDS as anyone,
according to Larry — was worried, too.
Last summer, he confronted Larry, fearing
that his father was in danger as a member
of a high-risk group. Given the way things
are today, he was concerned because Larry
was gay.
This time, Larry was not as truthful as
he’d always hoped to be.
“ I wanted to reassure him,” Larry said.
“ So I told him I wasn’t doing anything to
get the bug, that I wasn’t doing anything to
risk it — which is true.”
In private, however. Larry harbors inner
fears about the disease — and whether he’s
carry ing a virus that will eventually mean a
death sentence. But he didn’t want his son
to know that.
“ I didn’t want him to worry any more
than necessary.” he said. “ With all teen
agers have to deal with, adolescence is the
roughest time in their life.”
Larry didn’t want his own angst to spill
onto his son. Instead of telling the absolute
truth like he always had, he fudged a little
by accenting the positive changes he’d
made in his lifestyle — the fact that he no
longer smokes, drinks or takes drugs and
doesn’t intend to do anything to put him
self at risk. As he looks robust and healthy,
it's easy to believe he has eluded the illness.
But that doesn't make Larry feel any
better about shading the truth.
“ It does bother me not to be able to be
completely honest,” Larry said. “ But it
wouldn’t be beneficial for him to worry.
Even if I came down with it, I probably
wouldn’t tell him until I had a full-blown
case since there is nothing you can do
about it.
“ But that’s all theory,” he continued.
"Until you get there and put the shoes on,
you won't know which way you’ll walk.”
Honesty is a political a-, t as well as a
personal policy for Larry. He works on the
Gay Fathers Hot Line in Sacramento and
uses an M. A. in Psychology to counsel
adolescents who think they may be gay.
“ Many of my friends are in the closet,”
Larry said. “ It is safe and secure for them
but they aren’t creating role models for the
youngsters coming up. For the kid who’s
wondering if he’s gay, there is no valida
tion that ‘normal’ looking and acting
people can be gay, that we don’t all have to
be swish.
“ Most of my friends don’t live a ‘fast
lane’ life,” Larry said with a smile. “ Most
of them are just looking for the right man
to love, to marry and share their life with.”
Bom in Oklahoma, Larry came from a
close-knit home that prized family life.
“ The day my son was bom was the
happiest day of my life,” he said. “ He is
and has always been the light of my life.”
Having a teenage son, is there any ad
vice he would give to parents with children
still growing up?
“ Listen to them,” he said. “ Listen to
what they’re telling you and what they’re
not telling you. From the time they’re
bom, you have to talk with them, not to
them to keep the channels of communica
tion open.”
■