Pride in the process
‘
‘Gay Pride crystallizes what a privilege it is to be a member
of a minority community whose common bond is that private
decision to be no less than exactly who we are.
B Y
’ ’
S U D A
N E A M E
rom age 14 when I experienced my
first flicker of identification with the
term “ lesbian,” it took me about
twenty years to begin to own my sexuality.
For whatever reasons, it took me that long
to allow myself to be who I am, rather than
who certain people in my life wanted me
to be.
I’m finally out though, sort of. I mean,
fairly out. Almost everyone I know
knows. Well, except the people at work, of
course. And my parents. People like that.
But basically, I’m out; I mean, my therapist
knows, and my real friends know. That’s
progress, anyway. For me, that’s Out,
compared to five years ago.
My first surprise, upon finally entering
the gay community and having a look
around, is how many gay people there are,
and how many of us do not fit the stereo
types which held me back in phony,
closeted confusion for so many years. You
know what I mean. Gay men all collect
antiques, wear heavy perfume and mate
for life. Lesbians live collectively in ware
houses, are ungroomed and are usually
unemployed.
Stereotypes are insensitive, generalized
exaggerations or caricatures which I used
to think were applied only by those outside
F
of the maligned group. But if my experi
ence is typical, then stereotyping also can
affect a gay individual’s own struggle with
self-acceptance. In spite of the media’s
improved handling of gay issues over the
past ten years, and in spite of the present
surge of really good gay literature, and in
spite of the good gay energy responding to
AIDS and threats from the political right,
in spite of all this positive excitement, I,
who should know better, still carry around
in my head gay stereotypes.
Case in point: I read personal ads; it’s
one of my rituals, a fun and stress-free way
to meet people, especially after you realize
that hardly anyone organized enough to
run a personal ad is a complete yoyo. But
when I see the ad of a ‘ ‘GF,’ ’ which is what
I am looking for, a picture automatically
pops into my mind of a depressed, un
groomed woman who lives in a warehouse
district.
It happened again just the other day. I
saw a terrific ad. But “ GF” jumped out at
me and I saw a frowning, depressed and
decidedly unattractive face (probably the
way my own face looked from time to time
over the past twenty years when I would
occasionally ruin a peak moment by re
minding myself that I was a closet
HOMOSEXUAL).
I sighed at my idiocy, fought with my
self for a second, then pulled a soggy three
by five card out of my tired brain and read,
“ That picture in your head is a stereotype
and is not true. The woman who ran this ad
probably lives in a single family dwelling,
bathes every day, does not carry a gun, has
friends and drives to work in her own car.
Being gay is fine, it’s fine, it’s ok.
“ In fact, it is better than ok. Being gay
is warm and soft and prosperous and color
ful and cozy and sexy and sleepy and excit
ing and delicious and funny and intellectual
and it has always been here and it belongs
here and it is good. Because it is life! It is
your life. And your life is good. You are
gay, and so are lots of other people, and
you are good, and so are they, and you
belong here, and no one is going to take
away your hot showers and make you live
in a warehouse. And the people who be
long in your life, (as opposed to those who
want you to be in theirs), will definitely
continue to love you after they find out you
love women. In fact, they probably already
know, you big dope.”
Thus refreshed, I returned to the ad,
only to realize it was my own.
I suppose twenty years of social condi
tioning cannot be undone overnight. (1'he
hell it can’t, you say? You devil, you know
what 1 mean.) The best I can do is to recite
my personal affirmations whenever 1 need
to. This is who 1 am right now. I am not at
the podium in the lesbian conference, but I
am a dues paying member of the crowd. I
have not confronted my parents with the
facts of my life, but I am no longer hiding
as much from them as I used to.
I am presently engaged in disentangling
myself from the Eisenhower era mindset I
grew up with a process which I am sur
prised to find involves some grieving. It
was a prison, but within its limits a warm
and coy one. At this point I am not yet
proud enough of who I am to reveal my
lesbian identity in every arena of my life,
or even in the byline of this article. I am,
however, fairly bursting with excitement
and satisfaction at my progress.
For me, the term “ Gay Pride” crystal
lizes what a privilege it is to be a member
of a minority community whose common
bond is that private decision, in the face of
considerable societal and/or family oppos
ition, in our lives and in our loving, to be
no less than exactly who we are.
i
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S Oat Youth)
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Just Out. 1 ), June. I987