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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 1, 1986)
On being young and lesbian b y C athy S iem ens and S u e Smith * This article wets d evelop ed from a series o f interview s with lesbian youth, their m others and socia l service providers. The nam es h a ve b een ch a n ged to protect anonym ity. You probably haven’t m et C arm en. She's 14 and lives with her grandfather. The kids at school know she's a lesbian. T h e guys want to m ake her one o f the gang. T h e girls w on’t talk to her. C arm en ’s proud to be a lesbian, glad she cam e out early, but she’s lonely. If only she had som eone understanding to talk to ... M aybe you’ve m et Bets. She's 18 and lives w ith Sara, her lover. Last year her m other kicked her out o f the house. She had dis covered a letter Bets w rote when com ing out to a friend. Bets survived on the street These days things are looking better for her. S h e’s kicked her drug habit and is going back to school. S he could use som e su p p o rt T h e ir stories, like their lives, are varied and co m p ellin g . M any young lesbians knew they w ere gay as young as age 8 or 9. S o m e were tom boys. O n e w om an, Alice, was a cheer leader and beauty queen. Stereotypes don't seem to apply. B ut co m m o n them es run through th eir stories: the need for a balance betw een integrity and social acceptance, the need to find friends and lovers, and the strug- SHOWTIMe T/U every Friday ft S a tu rd a y at 1 1 3 0 p m . In Celebration of the Lesbian Community Project Conference — "Building Community: Common Ground for the Future" Dance with the Blues Sisters! Saturday, Nov. 8th, 8:00 p.m .-12:00 $5.00 Echo Theatre 1515 SE 37th Ave. Call 233-9079 by Nov. 1 to reserve childcare gle to develop their lesbian identity. Like all teenagers, they face the problem s o f separating fro m their fam ilies, creating th eir ow n individuality, and preparing for the future. B eing lesbians com plicates the tasks o f teenag e years. They face special kinds of isolation and rejection, h aras sm en t, and lack o f su p p o rt At age 2 0 , Alice seem s to have been through it all. Although superficially popular, Alice always felt d iffe re n t She refused to date the captain o f the football team . N o t until she w ent to an all-g irls’ college did Alice begin to feel co m fortable. She m et Barbara. They becam e friends, then lovers. F o r the first tim e, Alice felt she could relate to som eone on a less superficial level. A fter a storm y breakup w ith Barbara, Alice turned to her parents for support. Instead of understanding, Alice's m other w anted to check her blood for horm onal im balance. Alice started therapy. Both her therapist and parents viewed her lesbianism as the cause o f her troubles. Like Alice, another young lesbian had tro u ble w ith her fam ily. In seventh grade, Sally felt she had to tell som eone. She chose her sister. T h is sister blabbed to the fam ily that Sally was a lesbian. Sally's m other, convinced that hom osexuals w ere possessed by the devil, co n d em n ed Sally to hell and forced Sally to confession. Sally still feels frightened and guilty. In c o n tra s t M ary’s co m in g -o u t has been less trau m atic. A lm ost ten years ago, M ary w itnessed ano ther c o m in g -o u t her m other’s. A t th e tim e she thought it w ould be “neat” to b ec o m e a lesbian. H er m o th er has been sup portive all along. In the ninth grade, M ary realized she, too, was attracted to w om en. She w asn’t sure it was “n e a t” Even though her m other was supportive, M ary held off a year before con tacting W indfire. After a year in the group, she now counts W indfire m em bers am ong her closest friends outside o f school. In school, she’s w orking up the courage to tell her best friends during senior year. T o co m e out at school is to risk rejection and harassm ent from peers. Few lesbians are out at school. T h e “trendy” girls call them "cute.” O thers call them "bull-dykes.” “Hey, dykey, grow your hair. W ear a dress!” is a fam iliar ta u n t Teachers often fail to notice this harassm ent and even exhibit their own hom ophobia. C arm en’s fem ale teachers m ade her a dress for graduation. S h e d id n ’t w ear it; instead, C arm en prom i nently displayed an “1-Love-W om en” button on the lapel o f the jacket she usually wore. These young w om en have learned that be ing a lesbian m eans being m ore honest with them selves. Because their lives challenge so cial norm s and conventions, they often have to invent their own rules. They’ve had to grow up a little faster and becom e independent, because they couldn’t rely on fam ily and friends for sup port In contrast to the hardship of m aking friends at school, m aking friends at W indfire is easy. Facilitated by an adult lesbian and a gay m an, W indfire is a peer support group for underage lesbians and gay m en. “W indfire helped m e gain confidence about myself,” M ary said. Another young w om an added, “B efore I w ent to W indfire, I thought I was the only teenage lesbian in the world." The size of the gro u p fluctuates from 5 to 2 0 people. A con tact person for W indfire says that she gets a call a day during the school year from young people seeking infonnation. T he group is a w ell-utilized resource for those seeking co m panionship and su p p o rt N ot everyone there is in school; som e hold jobs. S om e do both. Young lesbians feel a bond w ith gay m en, especially those in W indfire, and they are co n cerned about the separation they see be tw een o ld er lesbians and gay m en. But be cause young lesbians som etim es w ant to dis cuss th eir own particular concerns, they are interested in form ing their own all-lesbian youth group in addition to W indfire. B oth W indfire and the new ly-form ed all lesbian group need lesbian facilitators. They suggest th at she be energetic, funny, and co m m itted . W ith her help, they’d like to be c o m e involved in the w ider Lesbian C o m m u n ity and organize youth dances and cam p in g trips. Besides W indfire, young lesbians som e tim es hang out in bars. Occasionally, they go to the City, a nightclub for the underage crow d. However, the City is not appealing to everyone because o f its clientele’s reputedly heavy use o f drugs. Rarely do these young lesbians m anage to get into the Prim ary D o m a in o r Club 927. M ost of their socializing revolves around the network of people they m eet through W indfire rather than those they run into in bars. Like “typical" teenagers they go to the m ovies and visit at friends' houses. B ut the places they go to eat are usually gay establishm ents. W hen they go for a ham bu r ger, they’re likely to be found at Roxy Hearts or H am b urger M ary’s. As young lesbians venture into the Lesbian C om m unity, they often start at the Lesbian Forum or A W om an’s Place Bookstore. W hen one w om an w ent to the F o ru m , she co m m ented, “It’s incredible to be in a room full of ju st lesbians!” Although they felt it difficult to m eet people at the Foru m , they enjoyed the am o u n t o f inform ation they learned from the program s offered. O n e 20-ye ar-o ld nam ed Lisa volunteered at A W o m an ’s Place Bookstore. At first she was scared about volunteering, but because everyone was so helpful and friendly, she felt she learned a lot about the Lesbian C o m m unity. S h e’d really encourage other young lesbians to volunteer. T h e B ookstore also en joyed Lisa. In exchange for volunteering, the B ookstore offers to teach jo b skills like run ning a cash register, keeping inventory, and light bookkeeping. T h ey will also provide job references. Besides a place for volunteering, the B ook store provides info rm ation about lesbian culture and C o m m u n ity resources. W hile there, young lesbians often read Just Out and Rag Times. Lisa suggested th at a regular lesbian youth co lu m n w ould be another way to involve them because it’s not only the young lesbians w ho need to learn about Les bian C om m unity; it’s also the Lesbian C o m m u n ity w ho needs to learn about its younger m em bers. Young lesbians d o n ’t often participate in o th er Lesbian C o m m u n ity activities. Serving alcoho l excludes them ; likewise, a steep adm ission charge. E vent organizers could perhaps offer a youth d is c o u n t S ince m any young lesbians d o n ’t drive, events need to be accessible by public transportation. Tho se w ho read the books available at A W o m a n ’s Place and find ways to becom e involved in the Lesbian C o m m u n ity are intro duced to the ideas o f fem inism . “It’s scary to open your m outh for w hat you believe,” one w o m an com m en ted , "being a fem inist takes guts and energy.” Fem inist-consciousness seem s m ore ingrained in them than acquired. It has obviously affected their visions o f the future. E ach em phasized w orking in a career w hich w ould challenge her, give her financial security, and allow her independence. They expect continuing education to be part of th eir career plans. F o r exam ple, by age 35, Alice w ants a $ 4 0 ,0 0 0 -a -y e a r job, a tow n- house, two cars, and a p art-tim e m o n o g a m ous lover. She also had larger concerns: "I’m very civic-m inded . I’d like to run for public office.” She w orries that being a les bian w ould be held against her, and she knows that isn’t fair. Just being a lesbian, she reasons, doesn’t m ean th at people should be able to tell her w hat she can and cannot do. A n oth er lesbian, 16, wants a house, a kid, a “wife,” a m otorcycle, and a good jo b at a m ill. Few others envisioned having a child, but w hen they did, they w anted baby girls. M an y o f th em considered a lo ng-term m o n o g am o u s relationship both difficult and potentially lim iting, but a few still w anted one. O th ers w anted stable but not suffocating re lationships. T hey m ade a distinction between casual sex and m ultiple relationships (the “lesbian shuffle") although som e saw this period in their lives as the tim e to “sow som e w ild oats.” In their relationships m any young lesbians have abandoned traditional b u tc h /fe m m e role-playing. They like to consider them selves androgynous, expressing a variety o f im ages and styles. T hey find it difficult to understand the em phasis placed on b u tc h /fe m m e roles w ith o lder lesbians. Like their o lder counter parts, however, they’ve experienced the fact th at breaking up is never easy. M aintaining I heir num bers being sm all, friendships vital.