V iolence in g a y
relationships
by Bob Weinreich
N O RTHERN
ITALIAN CUISINE
SEVEN-COURSE DINNERS
2832 S.E. BELMONT • 238-1464
•
•
SWEETHEARTS
BALL
& Introduction of Candidates
for Rosebud X & Thorn X
Friday, Q
I
February 14
V ETER A N DRIVER OW NED
"C O U R T I O U S PR OF I S S IO N A l RRIVIRS '
PORTLAND BE A V I R TON GRESHAM MM W AUK If
TIGARD
OVER 100 CABS AS CLOSE AS YOUR PHONE
LICENSED FOR TRIPS ANYWHfRE SIGHTSEEING TOURS
STATION WAGONS UPON REQUEST
PACKAGES
PARCELS
ENVELOPES
GENERAL COMMODITIES
• 2 4 HO U R S 7 D A Y S B O N O fO COURIERS
• PASSENG ER SUSSS A V A R ABLE
NO WEIGHT LIMIT • JUMPER CA41E SERVICE
FAST COURTEOUS SERVICE
------------CALL-------------
227-1212 cs cs
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1113 ■ W K E M i ( V
|
A ttitudes regarding violence in dom estic
relationships have undergone a dram atic
change in the last decade. Ten years ago. a
m an w ho beat his wife would m ost likely have
gone unnoticed o r been excused by the po
lice, the crim inal justice system, the church,
the neighbors, relatives, nearly everyone ou t
side the im m ediate fam ily. If the woman
sought help o r got any attention at all she was
frequently blam ed fo r “ provoking" her hus
band and not playing an appropriately sub
m issive role. Today, while m uch of fam ily
violence rem ains private and hidden, there is
greater awareness that the violence men use
to co n tro l their wives, girlfriends, and children
stem s fro m sexism and sex-role training, that
violence in the hom e is crim inal behavior
requiring legal consequences, and that in o r
der fo r change to occur, help from qualified
professionals is necessary. There are now
treatm ent program s across the nation to help
m en break their cycle o f violence, express
anger constructively, and establish relation
ships based on equality. This work is just
beginning and has a long way to go toward
ending sexism and violence against women
and children. It is, however, an im portant
beginning.
A fter specializing for several years in help
ing heterosexual men with problem s in anger
con trol and dom estic violence, I am now see
ing an increasing num ber o f gay men and
lesbians with sim ilar problem s. This in itself is
a critica lly im portant developm ent Breaking
the barrier o f silence and refusing to continue
to deny o r keep secret the fact that violence is
occurring in the gay and lesbian com m unity
is the first step toward ending it
By turnin g our attention inward and look
ing honestly at ourselves and our relation
ships we run the risk o f exposing parts o f our
lives w hich others m ight use against us.
Eager to dispel the negative stereotypes con
cerning gay relationships (fo r example, “ they
d o n 't last," or, "we all play butch and femme
roles"), we are reluctant to provide any infor
m ation that may taint the picture o f healthy
gay lifestyles. Yet as we know from all too
painful personal experience, secrecy and hid
ing can be our w orst enemies. We m ust
speak ou t on both our successes and
failures, ou r contributions and our problem s;
w ith out honesty we soon becom e trapped in
ou r own hiding places.
The disclosure o f violence in a gay rela
tio nship is often a m ulti-leveled com ing-out
process. As with AIDS, fo r example, the reve
lation o f an im portant and painful aspect of
one’s life often necessitates com ing out as
gay to persons one otherwise would not
choose, o r w ithout adequate preparation. In
the case o f violence, gay identity may be
com e known to fam ily members, neighbors,
em ployers and co-workers, police, judges
and probation officers, and counselors.
W hen hom ophobia is present in others, or as
is often the case in violent couples where
self-esteem is low, it may be especially d if
fic u lt to seek help. As with the m ajority of
heterosexual men who com e for anger con
tro l counseling, m ost lesbians and gay men
arrive initially under external pressure, either
fro m the ir partner who is threatening to leave,
or by cou rt order. Some couples com e to
counseling com plaining o f “ com m unication
proble m s" and only later will reveal the extent
o f violence in their relationship.
Regardless o f how one arrives for therapy,
it is the "com ing o u t" or acknowledgem ent
to oneself o f one’s own violent behavior that
is essential for change to occur. Initial self
acceptance o f responsibility fo r violence is
often the m ost d ifficu lt step in the entire
course o f counseling. Denial and m inim iza
tio n o f destructive behavior and blam ing
on e’s partner for “ provoking” are com m on
m ethods o f shielding oneself from the pain
ful reality o f loss o f self-control. Accepting
responsibility will initially produce shame and
g u ilt w hich are appropriate feelings that
eventually subside as constructive alterna
tives to violence are learned.
U nderstanding the full range o f violent be
havior in one’s love relationship is also essen
tial fo r changing these behaviors. Many
people th in k only o f obvious physical acts
when considering violence in an intimate rela
tionship. In order to truly approach a nonvio
lent existence, I ask m y clients to consider the
follow ing fou r types o f violence and the de
gree to w hich they have participated in each:
1. Physical Violence: Including hitting, shov
ing, biting, slapping, grabbing, pushing,
kicking, choking, throw ing, scratching,
punching, pulling hair, knocking down,
use o f a weapon or object against another.
Any intensity o f physical force to make a
person do (or stop doing) som ething, say
(o r not say) som ething, go (or not go)
som ewhere against that person’s will is
violence.
2. Sexual Violence: Any forced sexual activ
ity, that is, behavior which the partner does
not fully agree to or may not freely stop or
w ithdraw from at any tim e. W hile research
has shown the prevalence o f sexual abuse
in heterosexual relationships (as many as
50% o f dom estic violence cases include
sexual violence), little is known about the
degree to w hich this occurs in lesbian and
gay intim ate relationships. It is im portant
to distinguish sexual violence, or forced
sexual activity, from S & M behavior and
role-playing in which partners preserve
freedom o f choice and the right to
withdraw.
3. D estruction o f Proprety and Pets: Throw
ing objects; breaking dishes, glasses, etc.;
kicking in doors; pounding fists into walls;
ripping furniture; dum ping or soiling pos
sessions; destroying personal items (e.g.,
photos, souvenirs) that are m eaningful to
one's partner; neglecting, abusing or
killing a p e t
Financial Services
TAX SHELTERS • MONEY MARKET FUNDS • OIL/GAS INVESTMENT
PROGRAMS • MONEY ACCUMULATION PLANS • COMPUTERIZED
FINANCIAL PLANNING • COMMON STOCK FUNDS • MUNICIPAL
BOND INVESTMENTS • KEOGH/IRA PLANS • REAL ESTATE INVEST
MENT PROGRAMS • LIFE INSURANCE • PENSION PLANS
4. Psychologial Violence: Som etim es d iffi
cu lt to identify yet the m ost frequent and
widespread o f the four types o f violence.
C ontrol over another person’s thinking
and behavior through hum iliation and in
tim idation. W hen used intensely over a
prolonged period, psychological violence
may produce a "hostage syndrom e”
where the "captive" or abused partner be
com es so em otionally dependent on the
“ ca p to r" or abuser that he or she feels
unable to survive w ithout the other
D avid M a lc o lm
5319 S.W. W estgate Dr. It 162 • (503) 297-5651
Portland, OR 97221
ia
£&&3
In Memory Of Horace
With Love.
person.
Violence in intim ate relationships tends to
be cyclical in nature. It is self-reinforcing be
cause it does m om entarily release tension.
O ver tim e the violence usually increases in
frequency and intensity, som etim es resulting
in severe injury and death. The cycle o f vio
lence is d ifficu lt to stop w ithout outside help.
The high rate o f alcohol and drug abuse in
the gay com m unity is related to violence be
tween couples; however, alcohol and drugs
do not “ cause" the violence. W hile alcohol
and other drugs may act to lower inhibitions,
it has been shown that stopping drinking or
drugs alone w ill not stop violence. Special
ized counseling for alcohol/drug abuse is
necessary when a person is unable to stop on
his o r her own.
O nce people fully identify and accept re
sponsibility for their violent behaviors, they
are ready to im m ediately practice m ethods
fo r preventing further instances o f violence.
A fter an assurance o f safety is established in
the relationship, work focuses in several key
areas: learning to identify when one is feeling
angry, expressing anger constructively, com
m unicating w ithout intim idating, assertive
ness, reducing and m anaging stress, and
problem -solving skills.
The value o f anger as a m otivating force is
well known to lesbians and gay men. It is with
anger that we challenge the injustices, the
hom ophobia and the discrim ination we have
been subjected to. On a personal level, anger
can also be an im portant aspect o f a healthy
gay identity. Turning anger outward is often
an essential personality developm ent for les
bians and gay men.
Recognizing and expressing anger con
structively is, however, a difficu lt process for
m ost people. As children, m ost o f us learn
that it was not O K to feel, m uch less express,
anger. We learned a particular set o f rules for
handling anger (based) on our gender and
the behavior o f our parents and available
role-m odels.
Even in gay relationships, sexism may
contribute to problem s with anger and vio
lence. Gay men who adhere to a rigid defini
tio n o f m asculinity may feel threatened, de
fensive and angered when confronted by
em otion and behaviors in others o r them
selves which they view as weak or “ unmanly."
A nger is often a mask for other em otions
found d ifficu lt to express, such as hurt or
sadness. Suppressing these feelings can lead
to a build-up o f tension and frustration result
ing in an explosive outburst and a repetition
o f the cycle o f violence. Som e lesbians who
reject a stereotyped fem ale role may adopt
negative aspects o f the m asculine m odel,
including the use o f violence in their intim ate
relationships. W hether lesbian, gay male, or
heterosexual, violence in relationships always
signifies an unhealthy dependency between
partners and problem s in self-esteem. Per
sons w ho use violence inevitably feel badly
about them selves and their destructive
attem pts at controlling a source o f Jove (their
partner) w hich they fear losing.
Counseling, in addition to finding non
violent m ethods o f expressing anger, builds
self-esteem and a positive identity so that the
individual is not dependent on his or her
partner fo r feeling good about him /herself.
As this self-confidence increases, the need to
con trol one’s partner is reduced, and pro
duces greater acceptance and appreciation
o f differences in the relationship. S elf-confi
dence w ill also produce the increased close
ness that com es with building trust through
risking one's em otions and not each other’s
safety. Alternatively, greater distance and sep
aration may result if the differences prove to
be irreconcilable. In either case partners learn
to recognize and reject the cycle o f violence
and choose healthier patterns o f com m uni
cation, a benefit for all personal relationships,
and our com m unity as well.
Bob Weinreich is a psychologist in practice
at the Men s Resource Center.
Just Out, February, 1986