Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 1, 1986)
V iolence in g a y relationships by Bob Weinreich N O RTHERN ITALIAN CUISINE SEVEN-COURSE DINNERS 2832 S.E. BELMONT • 238-1464 • • SWEETHEARTS BALL & Introduction of Candidates for Rosebud X & Thorn X Friday, Q I February 14 V ETER A N DRIVER OW NED "C O U R T I O U S PR OF I S S IO N A l RRIVIRS ' PORTLAND BE A V I R TON GRESHAM MM W AUK If TIGARD OVER 100 CABS AS CLOSE AS YOUR PHONE LICENSED FOR TRIPS ANYWHfRE SIGHTSEEING TOURS STATION WAGONS UPON REQUEST PACKAGES PARCELS ENVELOPES GENERAL COMMODITIES • 2 4 HO U R S 7 D A Y S B O N O fO COURIERS • PASSENG ER SUSSS A V A R ABLE NO WEIGHT LIMIT • JUMPER CA41E SERVICE FAST COURTEOUS SERVICE ------------CALL------------- 227-1212 cs cs ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1113 ■ W K E M i ( V | A ttitudes regarding violence in dom estic relationships have undergone a dram atic change in the last decade. Ten years ago. a m an w ho beat his wife would m ost likely have gone unnoticed o r been excused by the po lice, the crim inal justice system, the church, the neighbors, relatives, nearly everyone ou t side the im m ediate fam ily. If the woman sought help o r got any attention at all she was frequently blam ed fo r “ provoking" her hus band and not playing an appropriately sub m issive role. Today, while m uch of fam ily violence rem ains private and hidden, there is greater awareness that the violence men use to co n tro l their wives, girlfriends, and children stem s fro m sexism and sex-role training, that violence in the hom e is crim inal behavior requiring legal consequences, and that in o r der fo r change to occur, help from qualified professionals is necessary. There are now treatm ent program s across the nation to help m en break their cycle o f violence, express anger constructively, and establish relation ships based on equality. This work is just beginning and has a long way to go toward ending sexism and violence against women and children. It is, however, an im portant beginning. A fter specializing for several years in help ing heterosexual men with problem s in anger con trol and dom estic violence, I am now see ing an increasing num ber o f gay men and lesbians with sim ilar problem s. This in itself is a critica lly im portant developm ent Breaking the barrier o f silence and refusing to continue to deny o r keep secret the fact that violence is occurring in the gay and lesbian com m unity is the first step toward ending it By turnin g our attention inward and look ing honestly at ourselves and our relation ships we run the risk o f exposing parts o f our lives w hich others m ight use against us. Eager to dispel the negative stereotypes con cerning gay relationships (fo r example, “ they d o n 't last," or, "we all play butch and femme roles"), we are reluctant to provide any infor m ation that may taint the picture o f healthy gay lifestyles. Yet as we know from all too painful personal experience, secrecy and hid ing can be our w orst enemies. We m ust speak ou t on both our successes and failures, ou r contributions and our problem s; w ith out honesty we soon becom e trapped in ou r own hiding places. The disclosure o f violence in a gay rela tio nship is often a m ulti-leveled com ing-out process. As with AIDS, fo r example, the reve lation o f an im portant and painful aspect of one’s life often necessitates com ing out as gay to persons one otherwise would not choose, o r w ithout adequate preparation. In the case o f violence, gay identity may be com e known to fam ily members, neighbors, em ployers and co-workers, police, judges and probation officers, and counselors. W hen hom ophobia is present in others, or as is often the case in violent couples where self-esteem is low, it may be especially d if fic u lt to seek help. As with the m ajority of heterosexual men who com e for anger con tro l counseling, m ost lesbians and gay men arrive initially under external pressure, either fro m the ir partner who is threatening to leave, or by cou rt order. Some couples com e to counseling com plaining o f “ com m unication proble m s" and only later will reveal the extent o f violence in their relationship. Regardless o f how one arrives for therapy, it is the "com ing o u t" or acknowledgem ent to oneself o f one’s own violent behavior that is essential for change to occur. Initial self acceptance o f responsibility fo r violence is often the m ost d ifficu lt step in the entire course o f counseling. Denial and m inim iza tio n o f destructive behavior and blam ing on e’s partner for “ provoking” are com m on m ethods o f shielding oneself from the pain ful reality o f loss o f self-control. Accepting responsibility will initially produce shame and g u ilt w hich are appropriate feelings that eventually subside as constructive alterna tives to violence are learned. U nderstanding the full range o f violent be havior in one’s love relationship is also essen tial fo r changing these behaviors. Many people th in k only o f obvious physical acts when considering violence in an intimate rela tionship. In order to truly approach a nonvio lent existence, I ask m y clients to consider the follow ing fou r types o f violence and the de gree to w hich they have participated in each: 1. Physical Violence: Including hitting, shov ing, biting, slapping, grabbing, pushing, kicking, choking, throw ing, scratching, punching, pulling hair, knocking down, use o f a weapon or object against another. Any intensity o f physical force to make a person do (or stop doing) som ething, say (o r not say) som ething, go (or not go) som ewhere against that person’s will is violence. 2. Sexual Violence: Any forced sexual activ ity, that is, behavior which the partner does not fully agree to or may not freely stop or w ithdraw from at any tim e. W hile research has shown the prevalence o f sexual abuse in heterosexual relationships (as many as 50% o f dom estic violence cases include sexual violence), little is known about the degree to w hich this occurs in lesbian and gay intim ate relationships. It is im portant to distinguish sexual violence, or forced sexual activity, from S & M behavior and role-playing in which partners preserve freedom o f choice and the right to withdraw. 3. D estruction o f Proprety and Pets: Throw ing objects; breaking dishes, glasses, etc.; kicking in doors; pounding fists into walls; ripping furniture; dum ping or soiling pos sessions; destroying personal items (e.g., photos, souvenirs) that are m eaningful to one's partner; neglecting, abusing or killing a p e t Financial Services TAX SHELTERS • MONEY MARKET FUNDS • OIL/GAS INVESTMENT PROGRAMS • MONEY ACCUMULATION PLANS • COMPUTERIZED FINANCIAL PLANNING • COMMON STOCK FUNDS • MUNICIPAL BOND INVESTMENTS • KEOGH/IRA PLANS • REAL ESTATE INVEST MENT PROGRAMS • LIFE INSURANCE • PENSION PLANS 4. Psychologial Violence: Som etim es d iffi cu lt to identify yet the m ost frequent and widespread o f the four types o f violence. C ontrol over another person’s thinking and behavior through hum iliation and in tim idation. W hen used intensely over a prolonged period, psychological violence may produce a "hostage syndrom e” where the "captive" or abused partner be com es so em otionally dependent on the “ ca p to r" or abuser that he or she feels unable to survive w ithout the other D avid M a lc o lm 5319 S.W. W estgate Dr. It 162 • (503) 297-5651 Portland, OR 97221 ia £&&3 In Memory Of Horace With Love. person. Violence in intim ate relationships tends to be cyclical in nature. It is self-reinforcing be cause it does m om entarily release tension. O ver tim e the violence usually increases in frequency and intensity, som etim es resulting in severe injury and death. The cycle o f vio lence is d ifficu lt to stop w ithout outside help. The high rate o f alcohol and drug abuse in the gay com m unity is related to violence be tween couples; however, alcohol and drugs do not “ cause" the violence. W hile alcohol and other drugs may act to lower inhibitions, it has been shown that stopping drinking or drugs alone w ill not stop violence. Special ized counseling for alcohol/drug abuse is necessary when a person is unable to stop on his o r her own. O nce people fully identify and accept re sponsibility for their violent behaviors, they are ready to im m ediately practice m ethods fo r preventing further instances o f violence. A fter an assurance o f safety is established in the relationship, work focuses in several key areas: learning to identify when one is feeling angry, expressing anger constructively, com m unicating w ithout intim idating, assertive ness, reducing and m anaging stress, and problem -solving skills. The value o f anger as a m otivating force is well known to lesbians and gay men. It is with anger that we challenge the injustices, the hom ophobia and the discrim ination we have been subjected to. On a personal level, anger can also be an im portant aspect o f a healthy gay identity. Turning anger outward is often an essential personality developm ent for les bians and gay men. Recognizing and expressing anger con structively is, however, a difficu lt process for m ost people. As children, m ost o f us learn that it was not O K to feel, m uch less express, anger. We learned a particular set o f rules for handling anger (based) on our gender and the behavior o f our parents and available role-m odels. Even in gay relationships, sexism may contribute to problem s with anger and vio lence. Gay men who adhere to a rigid defini tio n o f m asculinity may feel threatened, de fensive and angered when confronted by em otion and behaviors in others o r them selves which they view as weak or “ unmanly." A nger is often a mask for other em otions found d ifficu lt to express, such as hurt or sadness. Suppressing these feelings can lead to a build-up o f tension and frustration result ing in an explosive outburst and a repetition o f the cycle o f violence. Som e lesbians who reject a stereotyped fem ale role may adopt negative aspects o f the m asculine m odel, including the use o f violence in their intim ate relationships. W hether lesbian, gay male, or heterosexual, violence in relationships always signifies an unhealthy dependency between partners and problem s in self-esteem. Per sons w ho use violence inevitably feel badly about them selves and their destructive attem pts at controlling a source o f Jove (their partner) w hich they fear losing. Counseling, in addition to finding non violent m ethods o f expressing anger, builds self-esteem and a positive identity so that the individual is not dependent on his or her partner fo r feeling good about him /herself. As this self-confidence increases, the need to con trol one’s partner is reduced, and pro duces greater acceptance and appreciation o f differences in the relationship. S elf-confi dence w ill also produce the increased close ness that com es with building trust through risking one's em otions and not each other’s safety. Alternatively, greater distance and sep aration may result if the differences prove to be irreconcilable. In either case partners learn to recognize and reject the cycle o f violence and choose healthier patterns o f com m uni cation, a benefit for all personal relationships, and our com m unity as well. Bob Weinreich is a psychologist in practice at the Men s Resource Center. Just Out, February, 1986