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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Nov. 1, 1985)
r The holiday season — Stressful times for adult children of alcoholics i b y S andra K. Pinches, Ph D. As the holiday season approaches, we are told that this is a joyful time of year, a time for celebration, for closeness of loved ones and families. For those of us whose family experi ences are not close, accepting or harmoni ous, the holiday season can trigger anxiety j and depression over what is missing. Single people without families, and gay people with homophobic families are examples of those who may become more aware of the contrast between the ideal and the actual during the two holidays. Another group of people who may feel apprehension rather than anticipa tion at this time of year includes the millions of Americans who grew up in alcoholic homes. A child's life is never easy when one or both parents is an alcoholic, and for this reason alone, adult children of alcoholics often feel sad and angry when confronted with images of normal, happy families. Beyond this, the holiday season is especially traumatic in the alcoholic home because our culture encour ages overindulgence in alcohol at this time. Hopes for a perfect Thanksgiving dinner are shattered when an alcoholic parent shows up drunk or not at all. Broken promises, family fights, embarrassing scenes and worry over a drunk driver on the road typify Christmas Eve. Many adult children have repressed the gruesome details of these memories, but still feel a vague uneasiness, come November. Thus, the holiday season can be a source of depression for the adult children of an al coholic family, but it can also be a time to reflect productively on the power which the drug alcohol has exerted in one's life. Therapists who work with alcoholic families agree that the children develop characteristic emotional strengths and problems in the process of coping with the effects of alcohol on both alcoholic and non-alcoholic parents. Claudia Black, M.S.W., says that the basic rules in an alcoholic home are, "Don t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel." Alcoholic families do not allow people to discuss the real source of problems, usually alcoholism, so problems are never explored or solved among the fam ily members. Children try to handle hurt angry, or scared feelings on their own, both because of the family rule, and because the parents are not usually competent to solve problems. At least one of them is drunk, and the other is overburdened with problems caused by the drunk. The adults may be un predictable, moody, rejecting, or even violent, so it is safer to keep to one’s self. Adult children of alcoholics act as if they still lived in the same environment, as indeed many do. They ignore their feelings as much as possi ble, and believe that if something needs to be done, they will have to do it themselves. Several family roles have been identified among children of alcoholics, which persist into adulthood. One is that of the overly re sponsible, highly competent person, whose childhood role usually included taking care of the family. This job included not only full parenting responsibility for other siblings, but even a role reversal with the actual parents. The parental child at age eight may have cooked and cleaned for the whole family, put a drunken father to bed, acted as marriage counselor for a depressed mother, and still received good grades at school. As adults, these people continue to be overly responsi ble and competent, often get into helping professions, but fear that someone will dis cover that their abilities are faked. Because SANDRA K. PINCHES CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST Counseling and Psychotherapy Individuals, Couples, and Families Adolescents, Adults Gay, Lesbian and Couples Individuals Relationship Problems Depression Stress Partners of Alcoholics 1809 N.W . JOHNSON, SUITE 7 PORTLAND, OR 97209 (503) 227-7558 Mens Resource Center Counseling Service GAY THERAPISTS • • • • Professional Counseling Low Fees — Sliding Scale Individuals, Couples, Groups Hypnotherapy Evening fit Weekend Problems. 10 235-3433 • • • • We Can W ork It Out! they took on adult jobs before they were ready to make adult decisions, they feel like frauds, even though they may be winning awards for their performances. They also are completely unaware of their own emotional needs and how to meet them, and are often exploited by self-serving, immature and irresponsible people. Behavior in an alcoholic family is rigid, extreme, and falls into black-and-white dichotomies. Competing with the child in the goody-goody role is the irresponsible prob lem child who attracts negative attention. By the time this child reaches mid-adolescence, he or she has made a mess out of school, jobs, relationships, and may be in trouble with the juvenile authorities. Drugs or alcohol are almost certainly a major problem and teenage pregancies are common. As adults, these problem children are burdened by their addictions and by their self-hate, based in feeling rejected as a child and in realistic evaluations of their own past behaviors. Un less they can change their negative self- concept and become drug-free, they con tinue to be a source of pain and worry to loved ones, perhaps becoming the alcoholic parent of a new generation. A third coping strategy found in children of alcoholics is social withdrawal, keeping a low profile. This child hopes to get some parental approval by being no burden, making no demands and having no needs. Although the parents may feel blessed by this near invisible child, he or she is generally ignored. An observer rather than a participant, the child avoids interaction with peers and so fails to learn how to make friends. By adulthood, they are socially incompetent and isolated. They seem vague or numb, with poorly de fined identities, feelings or memories. Their strength is that they can be surrounded by emotional chaos and seem unaffected by it, and some capitalize on this ability by finding a disturbed or alcoholic partner with whome they can withdraw from the rest of the world. In addition to having unique personal strengths and weaknesses, adult children of alcoholics almost always show the effects of their early experiences by continuing a close relationship to alcoholism. They are at greater risk of developing alcoholism them selves than are other people, both because of possible heredity factors and because of a learned reliance on instant chemical solutions to problems. Over half of them become alco holics. Those who are not alcoholic frequently find alcoholic partners, even when they are trying to avoid doing so. Having learned to relate to others in a peculiar way, they are most compatible with people whose behavior fits into the alcoholic family patem. Non-alcoholic partners of alcoholics usu ally end up in a role which alcoholism profes sionals call “the enabler.” Although they want the alcoholic to stop drinking, they behave in ways which help the alcoholic to avoid the negative consequences of drinking, and thus enable the alcoholism to continue. For ex ample, the enabler signs her name to the apartment lease, wanting the alcoholic to pay half the rent, but worrying that she or he will fail to come through. Sure enough, the al coholic drinks away the money and the en abler pays the whole bill. She keeps this a secret from her friends, fearing that they will criticize her and her relationship. As this pat tern becomes more pervasive and intense, the alcoholic can get worse, the enabler ex hausted and depressed, and the couple com pletely isolated from outside help. Adult children of alcoholics learn early to suffer in secret, and do what they need to do to keep the family system going, at any cost Fortunately, this attitude is no longer necessary because informed, effective, pro fessional help is finally available. Alcoholism experts now recognize that adult children of alcoholics do not necessarily recover their ability to live and love fully, just because their particular alcoholics have recovered, died or been divorced. The time has come for adult children of alcoholics to reveal themselves and break through their inhibitions about asking for help. A good place to start is the bookstore. Exellent references are A d u lt C hildren o f A l coh olics by Janet Woititz, It W ill rieuer H ap pen to Me by Claudia Black, and A nother C hance by Sharon Weqsheider. Self-help and peer-help groups are offered by Alcohol ics Anonymous, Al-Anon, and ACOA. Profes sional counsleing for adult children of alcoholics is also readily available in the Port land area. Just Out, November, 1985