H E L P
Ex's and triangles —
The geometry of gay
relationships
by Sandra K Pinches, PhD.
In the gay and lesbian communities it is
generally considered to be normal and de
sirable for people to maintain dose rela
tionships with ex-lovers. This tendency to
redefine love relationships rather than end
them distinguishes gay from heterosexual
lifestyles. Although some heterosexual in
dividuals consistently try to be friends with
their former lovers, and others choose to do
so because children are involved.
heterosexual people more commonly dis
continue dose relating after a breakup. This
is especially so when a member of the
former couple remarries. In contrast, a gay
or lesbian person’s best friend is frequently
an ex-lover, and some gay people have
few friends who are not former lovers.
Among gay people the value placed on
continuing dose relationships with ex-lovers
is so strongly endorsed that the option of
saying good-bye is often not even con
sidered. Nevertheless, the practice of
keeping old lovers in one’s life appears to
this author to be a major contributing factor
to the instability of gay relationships. The
destructive effects of this pattern of behavior
and the motives behind it need closer
examination.
The boundary which defines a coupled
relationship as primary, exclusive and per
manent n weaker in gay relationships than
in heterosexual marriages, and the degree
of acceptance of ex-lovers into a couple’s
life together reflects the relative strength of
this boundary. Gay people have come to
view a weaker relationship boundary as
normal, so they allow intrusions by outsiders
which heterosexual couples would not tol
erate. For example, a re-married hetero
sexual man would be unlikely to set up
dinner dates alone with his ex-wife, to take
her out alone to celebrate her birthday, or
to visit her for a weekend in another city,
even if their sexual relationship ended at
the time of the divorce. He would also be
unlikely to demand that his current wife be
friends with his ex and socialize with her.
This type of behavior would be viewed by
himself, his new wife, and the heterosexual
community as inappropriate for the mar
ried man, and his wife would be supported
if she acted hurt threatened or enraged.
Yet many gay people do exactly this knd of
thing, justifying their actions by the assertion
that the ex-lover is “just a friend.’’ If the
current partner protests, his or her reaction is
likely to be viewed as inappropriately pos
sessive and controlling.
The acceptance by gay and lesbian
couples of such intrusions into their relation
ship is based primarily upon the homo-
phobic attitude that a gay relationship is
less than a heterosexual marriage and
does not deserve the respect owed to a
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legally, culturally and sacramentally recog
nized com m itm ent When a gay person
reacts negatively to his or her partner’s in
tense involvement with an ex-lover, and
those feelings are labelled by the couple’s
peer group as inappropriate, the person
becomes confused. If we were taught to
protect the integrity of a marriage by chal
lenging intrusion tty ex-lovers, and chal
lenges are prohibited in gay relationships,
then just what is a gay relationship? It be
gins to look like an ambiguous arrange
ment somewhere between friendship, an
affair, and a marriage. The rights and re
sponsibilities of the individuals involved thus
becam e equally ambguous.
In ackfltion to homophobia, another factor
which contributes confusion to relationships
involving ex-lovers is that same-sex couples
are usually assumed to be “buddies” in the
mainstream culture. When a gay couple
tries to be recognized as a love relation
ship, they must fight against this assump
tion. When the couple breaks up, however,
it is easy and often very convenient to en
courage the perception that the continued
association is “j>jst a friendship." In reality,
few deep sexual relationships become free
of their powerful emotional charge soon
after a breakup, and many never lose the
emotional and sexual undercurrents which
are unique to romantic, intimate involve
ments. Gay and lesbian ex-lovers often
deny the presence of these feelings to
themselves and to their new partners, which
is confusing and crazy-making to anyone
who accurately perceives the reality of the
not-so-former love relationship.
Highly destructive triangles often form
when a coupled person’s best friend is the
m ost recent ex-lover. When a new relation
ship runs into a rough period people tend
to review their previous relationships, and
often reevaluate them as having been not
so bad after all, in light of the present prob
lems. They often fantasize about returning
to a previous love, and may even initiate
contact with that person if they are not still
seeing him or her. This escape route from
conflict in the present relationship is more
easily taken if the primary confidante is an
understanding, available ex-lover. Of
course, there is the obvious potential for the
confidante to actually instigate problems in
the new relationship, but many ex-lovers in
this situation are innocent of such motives.
The nature of their intrusion into the new
relationship is more subtle and therefore
difficult to define and com bat
The pressure upon former lovers to rede
fine rather than end their relationship can
be destructive even if no new couple has
been formed by one of the partners. Gay
and lesbian individuals who wish to exit
from an oppressive, damaging relationship
often feel that they have no right to do so.
Their guilt and confusion may then be ex
ploited by a partner who fears separation
because of neurotic dependency, insecur
ity, or more malevolent self-serving
motives. Gay people often believe th at if
they are able to do so at alt they are
obliged to be friends with their ex-partner,
regardless of how the relationship feds.
Gay couples who are breaking up sel
dom allow themselves to truly consider the
full range of options available for their fu
ture involvement if any. The prevailing
opinion of the lesbian and gay community
is that people who have genuinely loved
each other should want to be friends, pref
erably dose friends. Individuals who reject
this option are thus perceived as acting like
they never loved the ex-partner, and may
be explicitly so accused by him or her. Per
plexed gay friends wiU sometimes fed free
to question whether the relationship was so
awful as to require this extreme course of
action. Under this intense pressure, it is not
surprising that people ignore feelings and
choices which would cause them to be seen
as cold and unloving toward a person for
whom they still care.
It is remarkable how many couples do
not even permit themselves a temporary
period without contact during the grief fol
lowing a breakup. Not only do they force
painful meetings upon each other which
intensify feelings of loss, but they may even
expose the former partner to ecstatic de
scriptions of a new lover. After all, if they are
“just friends” now, this type of sharing is
appropriate. Insensitivity of this type is an
inevitable result of denying real feelings
and substituting an intellectual belief that
another type of relating should now occur,
no matter what
Many readers of this article will protest
that the pattern of behavior being criticized
here works well in their lives. Those readers
have the right to define their own values
and live their lives accordingly. For those
others who agree with some of the points
made in this article, please remember that
you, too, have rights. You have the right to
honor your relationship as a true marriage,
and to insist that other people, including
your partner, do the same. You have the
right to say good-bye when that is what you
m ost want to do. You have the right to feel
and express your real feelings and values,
even when nobody you know feels the
sam e way.
~V.
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