one m om entarily discom forted becomes
painful when we see a severe loss. Joan, who
has an undiagnosed chronic illness. "I think
people are terrified of ill people and that is the
suprem e bar to accessibility: if you see the
other person as your own vision of mortality."
Susan, who is wheelchair bound because of a
spinal cord injury, "When people encounter a
disabled person and they feel uncomfortable,
they need to look at themselves and ask why
they feel that way." Rene, who is also spinal-
cord-injured. "I think that people should think
in term s that the person whose sight offends
them could someday be them. There is a
spinal cord injury every five minutes." Nancy
A F Langer. who has written an excellent
article on sex and disability ("Different Abili
ties, the Same Queer Pleasures." Gay Com
m unity Mews, December 1983). addresses
her article "to the tem porarily abled."
Others hold back because they don't know
what to talk about or whethr they should
help. As far as what to talk about, you should
talk about whatever you would with any
stranger or person you are just getting to
know, things like work, special interests, or
recent activities. Rene: "It's annoying when
people make my wheel chair the center of the
conversation. I realize that they often don't
know what else to talk about, but the wheel
chair is not the sum total of my personality. I
really hate it when people over explain things,
like when someone tried to explain to me
how to use the elevator.” Susan: "When
people ask me what it's like to be handicap
ped I feel as strange as if someone asked me
what it’s like to be gay. It's nothing until you
make it something. I dislike it when people
tell me how pleased they are for me that I can
work and go to school. You know that they
are thinking that you shouldn't be able to do
that."
notes. This difference in com m unication, like
a foreigner's accent, is sometimes mistaken
for lack of intelligence, even mental retarda
tion. Whether you are signing or not. it is
im portant to maintain eye contact, as this
demonstrates concentration and interest. Try
to resist cruising for the tim e being and let
your face be more expressive of your feel
ings, since your tone of voice will not serve.
These are some of the pointers Hank m en
tioned in our conversation. "I would like to
add that it is heartening that so many gays are
learning sign language, and I hope that
eventually this will mean more accessibiltv
for deaf gays. At square dancing, for exam
ple. quite a few know enough signs to help
the deaf men with their calls."
Never approach from behind and tap them
on the shoulder. If they are speaking to som e
one else, stand quietly beside the group and
wait for them to notice you. Hearing impaired
people have developed more acute peripheral
vision. If the person is alone, simply get his
attention visually. Let your attitude (quite pre
valent in gay culture) be one of sharing, not
condescension. Ed, "I think I have plenty of
patience for the rest of the world. A while ago
som eone who I was seeing broke up with me.
telling me I had no patience in com m unicat
ing because I'd been trying to teach him sign
language, and he wasn't taking it all in easily.
And when he said that. I looked at him and
asked if he realized how hard it was for me to
read his lips, and I wasn't com plaining yet. He
was speechless. I knew that because his
m outh didn't open aqain for a while."
If you plan to speak for a while to someone
who is wheelchair bound, sit down or crouch
so that you are at their eye level. Don't stand
far away. We all have an acculturated sense of
personal space that makes us stand back
“ When people ask me what it's like to be
handicapped, I feel as strange as if some
one asked me what it's like to be gay. It's
nothing until you make it something."
You may have to adjust the manner in
which you speak because of special condi
tions. If you see hearing impaired people
signing in the bars, you m ight enjoy talking to
them with pencil and paper, if you don’t know
ASL (American Sign Language). Be aware
that since ASL is their native tongue, their
written English may seem substandard. This
is because ASL has its own word order and
tense structure, and they may use this in their
from a person's body. When someone else is
in a wheelchair we tend to stand that same
distance away from a person's feet, leaving
us far away. Susan mentioned this to me and
added that it gives her a warm, friendly feeling
when people who are talking to her rest their
hand on the arm rest. This is a personal
preference, and you should ask first, but
whatever you do. establish rapport.
A visually impaired person cannot, of
course, tell that you are addressing them
sim ply by the conventional method of seeing
if you are looking at them. Touch them lightly
on the shoulder or arm. If. for instance, you
see a visually impaired person waiting for a
bus or if that person seems lost, simply ask if
you can help them in any way. At bus stops
that serve several different lines, let them
know when their bus comes, or if you have to
leave before their particular bus arrives, help
them find someone who m ight tell them.
When leading them, let that person take your
arm slightly above the elbow, allowing their
grasp to be as firm as mutually comfortable.
Walk slightly ahead of the person, so that the
m otion of vour body will tell them that stairs,
curbs, or obstacles are there Pause at curbs
or steps. This calls them to attention.
This brings up the question of whether it is
appropriate to lend assistance. "You should
never hesitate to ask someone if they want
help. Susan com mented, "but be sure of
where you are com ing from." Some people
act like the proverbial boy scout forcing the
senior to cross the street. You're not trying for
a m erit badge. "I was trying to get my switch
on to get off an elevator and the person be
hind me pushed me out without asking.
Another tim e I was struggling to get my coat
on and a person, not realizing what I was
doing, helped' me take it off. Patronizing
bothers me. that adding a little extra. A
patronizing smile makes me think that the
person is feeling sorry for me. Some people
will look at you and say. Can I give you a
hand?’ and it's clear that they feel that here is
another human being who needs help. And
when another disabled person looks at you
with that connecting smile, it’s like two
Americans meeting in a foreign land."
“ When I was first disabled (ten years ago) I
felt that I didn't have the right to have accessi
bility. because of the way that I had thought of
disabled people. There is lack of transporta
tion. there is physical inaccessibility which to
me means that they don't want me there to
begin with. They can make all the ramps in
the world, but there are other barriers. This
administration makes you feel like they are
doing us a b>e fa>'or by giving us lifts on
buses. This is our right. I don't mean to be
unappreciative, but I shouldn't have to kiss
som eone's foot for it.'
"When organizers say that they can't afford
to have an event accessible or have an in
terpreter. they are showing their priorities.
They say no one will use these services any
way. and I answer that it takes a long time for
disabled people to get used to having an
event be accessible. They are afraid of being
treated weirdly, so they stay away. I was asked
once concerning a com ing event. What
night do the disabled people want to come?'!
I can't speak for some woman com ing down
from Seattle, who pops into town and savs.
Wow. here s an event I want
in *o. I
opened lust Out m re and saw that
Judy s was w hec^nair accessible, and I felt
so warm and wonderful. Som e organizers
say that there will be people there that can
carry me up the few steps that are a barrier,
and it rem inds me of when I was young and
saw a wom an in a parking lot being carried to
her wheelchair so she could go into the bank
and transact her business. I rem em ber th in k
ing. Why doesn't her friend go in and do her
business for her?’ I didn t understand then
about independence.” Rene: "The next Les
bian F orum is having a branch of the O regon
Coalition Against Dom estic and Sexual Vio
lence hold a meeting at a wheelchair inacces
sible location. When I called they said. Oh.
are you going to come? OK. we ll change the
place.' It shouldn't matter w ho’s com ing, it
should be a priority to have that and an
interpreter."
We have at times denied the physically
challenged access to our conversation, our
help, our buildings, and not least of all the
possibility of a sexual relationship. Nancy A F
Langer in the article we have m entioned on
sex and disability states, “ It is possible for the
spinal cord injured male to have erections
and ejaculate without experiencing any phy
sical sensation. It is also possible for the male
or female that stimulation of erogenous
zones can bring about pleasure and what has
been called phantom orgasm.' More to the
point, em otional intimacy, giving pleasure to
a partner and experiencing the body as a
source of pleasure are not only possible, they
are essential to rehabilitation. It has been o b
served that spinal-cord-injured patients are
often m ore concerned about regaining sex
ual functioning than about walking again." It
goes w ithout saying that im pairm ent of sight
or hearing leaves a person’s sexuality intact
"The biggest drag about sex and disabil
ity." observes Rene, "is there is no chance for
spontaneity. The person has to be able to get
you in and out of their bed. There is a consid
erable am ount of planning which som etim es
takes the excitment out of it. Because my
lover Jen has diabetes and cystic fibrosis, she
has high-peak days and low-peak days, and
when I’m feeling sexually active, she may
not." Judith, who has cerebral palsy, relates.
"M y lover has diabetes. We make jokes to
gether like. "You think we re going to have an
active night tonight? I'll take more or less
insulin according to how m uch we re going
to do.' And I have to live up to what I've said or
she'll have to get up and do push-ups or she
could go into a coma." "Caretakers infantalize
the disabled in order to cope with their own
fears of disability." theorizes John Oswalt of
Disability Consultants in Boston. “ Viewing
the disabled as infants brings into high gear
all the taboos this society holds about
children and sexuality. Thus the attitude to
ward the disabled, which is like that held re
garding children: you are an asexual being,
vou have no sexual rights." Let us com e to
recoqnize all our m em bers as fellow crea
tures and overc om e the m ost tragic hand
icap prejudice
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