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About Just out. (Portland, OR) 1983-2013 | View Entire Issue (Feb. 1, 1985)
one m om entarily discom forted becomes painful when we see a severe loss. Joan, who has an undiagnosed chronic illness. "I think people are terrified of ill people and that is the suprem e bar to accessibility: if you see the other person as your own vision of mortality." Susan, who is wheelchair bound because of a spinal cord injury, "When people encounter a disabled person and they feel uncomfortable, they need to look at themselves and ask why they feel that way." Rene, who is also spinal- cord-injured. "I think that people should think in term s that the person whose sight offends them could someday be them. There is a spinal cord injury every five minutes." Nancy A F Langer. who has written an excellent article on sex and disability ("Different Abili ties, the Same Queer Pleasures." Gay Com m unity Mews, December 1983). addresses her article "to the tem porarily abled." Others hold back because they don't know what to talk about or whethr they should help. As far as what to talk about, you should talk about whatever you would with any stranger or person you are just getting to know, things like work, special interests, or recent activities. Rene: "It's annoying when people make my wheel chair the center of the conversation. I realize that they often don't know what else to talk about, but the wheel chair is not the sum total of my personality. I really hate it when people over explain things, like when someone tried to explain to me how to use the elevator.” Susan: "When people ask me what it's like to be handicap ped I feel as strange as if someone asked me what it’s like to be gay. It's nothing until you make it something. I dislike it when people tell me how pleased they are for me that I can work and go to school. You know that they are thinking that you shouldn't be able to do that." notes. This difference in com m unication, like a foreigner's accent, is sometimes mistaken for lack of intelligence, even mental retarda tion. Whether you are signing or not. it is im portant to maintain eye contact, as this demonstrates concentration and interest. Try to resist cruising for the tim e being and let your face be more expressive of your feel ings, since your tone of voice will not serve. These are some of the pointers Hank m en tioned in our conversation. "I would like to add that it is heartening that so many gays are learning sign language, and I hope that eventually this will mean more accessibiltv for deaf gays. At square dancing, for exam ple. quite a few know enough signs to help the deaf men with their calls." Never approach from behind and tap them on the shoulder. If they are speaking to som e one else, stand quietly beside the group and wait for them to notice you. Hearing impaired people have developed more acute peripheral vision. If the person is alone, simply get his attention visually. Let your attitude (quite pre valent in gay culture) be one of sharing, not condescension. Ed, "I think I have plenty of patience for the rest of the world. A while ago som eone who I was seeing broke up with me. telling me I had no patience in com m unicat ing because I'd been trying to teach him sign language, and he wasn't taking it all in easily. And when he said that. I looked at him and asked if he realized how hard it was for me to read his lips, and I wasn't com plaining yet. He was speechless. I knew that because his m outh didn't open aqain for a while." If you plan to speak for a while to someone who is wheelchair bound, sit down or crouch so that you are at their eye level. Don't stand far away. We all have an acculturated sense of personal space that makes us stand back “ When people ask me what it's like to be handicapped, I feel as strange as if some one asked me what it's like to be gay. It's nothing until you make it something." You may have to adjust the manner in which you speak because of special condi tions. If you see hearing impaired people signing in the bars, you m ight enjoy talking to them with pencil and paper, if you don’t know ASL (American Sign Language). Be aware that since ASL is their native tongue, their written English may seem substandard. This is because ASL has its own word order and tense structure, and they may use this in their from a person's body. When someone else is in a wheelchair we tend to stand that same distance away from a person's feet, leaving us far away. Susan mentioned this to me and added that it gives her a warm, friendly feeling when people who are talking to her rest their hand on the arm rest. This is a personal preference, and you should ask first, but whatever you do. establish rapport. A visually impaired person cannot, of course, tell that you are addressing them sim ply by the conventional method of seeing if you are looking at them. Touch them lightly on the shoulder or arm. If. for instance, you see a visually impaired person waiting for a bus or if that person seems lost, simply ask if you can help them in any way. At bus stops that serve several different lines, let them know when their bus comes, or if you have to leave before their particular bus arrives, help them find someone who m ight tell them. When leading them, let that person take your arm slightly above the elbow, allowing their grasp to be as firm as mutually comfortable. Walk slightly ahead of the person, so that the m otion of vour body will tell them that stairs, curbs, or obstacles are there Pause at curbs or steps. This calls them to attention. This brings up the question of whether it is appropriate to lend assistance. "You should never hesitate to ask someone if they want help. Susan com mented, "but be sure of where you are com ing from." Some people act like the proverbial boy scout forcing the senior to cross the street. You're not trying for a m erit badge. "I was trying to get my switch on to get off an elevator and the person be hind me pushed me out without asking. Another tim e I was struggling to get my coat on and a person, not realizing what I was doing, helped' me take it off. Patronizing bothers me. that adding a little extra. A patronizing smile makes me think that the person is feeling sorry for me. Some people will look at you and say. Can I give you a hand?’ and it's clear that they feel that here is another human being who needs help. And when another disabled person looks at you with that connecting smile, it’s like two Americans meeting in a foreign land." “ When I was first disabled (ten years ago) I felt that I didn't have the right to have accessi bility. because of the way that I had thought of disabled people. There is lack of transporta tion. there is physical inaccessibility which to me means that they don't want me there to begin with. They can make all the ramps in the world, but there are other barriers. This administration makes you feel like they are doing us a b>e fa>'or by giving us lifts on buses. This is our right. I don't mean to be unappreciative, but I shouldn't have to kiss som eone's foot for it.' "When organizers say that they can't afford to have an event accessible or have an in terpreter. they are showing their priorities. They say no one will use these services any way. and I answer that it takes a long time for disabled people to get used to having an event be accessible. They are afraid of being treated weirdly, so they stay away. I was asked once concerning a com ing event. What night do the disabled people want to come?'! I can't speak for some woman com ing down from Seattle, who pops into town and savs. Wow. here s an event I want in *o. I opened lust Out m re and saw that Judy s was w hec^nair accessible, and I felt so warm and wonderful. Som e organizers say that there will be people there that can carry me up the few steps that are a barrier, and it rem inds me of when I was young and saw a wom an in a parking lot being carried to her wheelchair so she could go into the bank and transact her business. I rem em ber th in k ing. Why doesn't her friend go in and do her business for her?’ I didn t understand then about independence.” Rene: "The next Les bian F orum is having a branch of the O regon Coalition Against Dom estic and Sexual Vio lence hold a meeting at a wheelchair inacces sible location. When I called they said. Oh. are you going to come? OK. we ll change the place.' It shouldn't matter w ho’s com ing, it should be a priority to have that and an interpreter." We have at times denied the physically challenged access to our conversation, our help, our buildings, and not least of all the possibility of a sexual relationship. Nancy A F Langer in the article we have m entioned on sex and disability states, “ It is possible for the spinal cord injured male to have erections and ejaculate without experiencing any phy sical sensation. It is also possible for the male or female that stimulation of erogenous zones can bring about pleasure and what has been called phantom orgasm.' More to the point, em otional intimacy, giving pleasure to a partner and experiencing the body as a source of pleasure are not only possible, they are essential to rehabilitation. It has been o b served that spinal-cord-injured patients are often m ore concerned about regaining sex ual functioning than about walking again." It goes w ithout saying that im pairm ent of sight or hearing leaves a person’s sexuality intact "The biggest drag about sex and disabil ity." observes Rene, "is there is no chance for spontaneity. The person has to be able to get you in and out of their bed. There is a consid erable am ount of planning which som etim es takes the excitment out of it. Because my lover Jen has diabetes and cystic fibrosis, she has high-peak days and low-peak days, and when I’m feeling sexually active, she may not." Judith, who has cerebral palsy, relates. "M y lover has diabetes. We make jokes to gether like. "You think we re going to have an active night tonight? I'll take more or less insulin according to how m uch we re going to do.' And I have to live up to what I've said or she'll have to get up and do push-ups or she could go into a coma." "Caretakers infantalize the disabled in order to cope with their own fears of disability." theorizes John Oswalt of Disability Consultants in Boston. “ Viewing the disabled as infants brings into high gear all the taboos this society holds about children and sexuality. Thus the attitude to ward the disabled, which is like that held re garding children: you are an asexual being, vou have no sexual rights." 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