WEST S1I0RK.
:n;i
BEYOND PARDON.
" Oh, while the lamps hold out to burn,
The vilest sinner may return ;
Regard thy soul and save it."
" Alas I " exclaimed the wight outside,
" That blessing is to me denied ;
For I am the villain who supplied
The circulation certified
And daily affidavit."
LippincoU't Magatint.
" What are yon doing now, Qus ? said one young man
about-town to another.
" Oh, I write for a living."
" On the daily press T"
" No ; I write to father about twice a month for a remit
tance." Merchant Traveler.
" Say," said the hotel-keeper to the reportor, " it there's
one thing I do get tired of Its the way people have of telling me
how to run a hotel. One fellow says I ought to do this, and an
other (ays I ought to do that. By the way, It's a wonder to me
you fellows don't write that kind of people up. It's just the
thing you ought to do. If I was running a newspaper you bet
I'd-what are you grinning at, I'd like to know T "- lerre nam
Eiyrett.
A PUBLIC CALAMITY.
Stxanqxr (In Clayville, Ky.)-Whst makes everybody so
solemn here this morning T
Rxswxnt Stranger, a great misfortune has befallen this
community. The church got afire last night, and while every
body was standing around, enjoyin' the spectacle, some mis
creant set fire to Bill Nogg's saloon In the other end o' town,
and before the fire department could be got out It bumed
clean to the ground whisky and all I Life.
" There Is one thing that always strikes me as funny atout
your productions," said the editor to the amateur humorist.
" Is that so T " said the humorist, with a pleased expres
sion on his face ; " and what is that T "
" Why, that you should think that they are funny your
self," said the editor and the pleased expression vanished
like turkey at a newsboys' dinner on Thanksgiving Day .-Sum-errillt
Journal.
THEY MADE A BrLENDID BOARD.
Baoliy-WsII, old man, I'll expect you to night.
Baii.kv-1'U be there.
B(iLiY-Oh by the-bye, If you don't mind you might wear
your new trowsers and we can have a game of cw.-Ulge.
BALKED AT LAST.
St. Pte Who are you T
Nxw SnaiT-Um-I was the manager of a British syn.il-
St Pirxa-Well, you skip. This place Is not for sale. -
Stw York Weekly.
NO AMUSEMENT TO II Kit.
Mis. HonJiuH-Phwat do ye fink boat this debate.
"How to kape a husband at home," Mrs. Kourke?
Mas. toiMi (the wash-lady)-Sorra a bit do 01 care aut
It at all, at all. Burt It's mesilf has to kept Bourse, at home
and out av dures, all the tolme, ld luck to him I-
" How Is It you call Gore ' Colonel1 now T" asked a north
ern visitor in Arkansas. " He was a plain ' Mister' when I
was here six months ago."
" Oh, he's killed a nigger since then."-.tf.
FOR SHORT.
Miss Bxacom H11.1 What Is your brother's name T
Miss Wahasii-LucuIIus Swinburne Hobbs ( but we rail
him "Cully," for short-Pur.
THE CHEERFUL FIRE BUILDER.
Vihitoi How cheerful the fire looks I
JoiiNY-It ought to. Ta made a big hurra about building
it.-tfunwy'i Weekly.
A DISINTERESTED LOVER.
" Are you going to break off your engagement with Mlas
Prentice T " Inquired Merrltt. " I hear she will be a cripple
for life through that railway accident."
" I Intended to break It off at first," returned his friend,
" but I have Just heard that the romny has offered her
twenty thousand In settlement. The KpoeK.
Nxw Yohk Hotxl Cuax (to bel!boy)--See what the rum.
pus Is in 021.
Bxllhoy (retumlng)-Col. Bluegraaa is mad because there
a pitcher of water In his room.
Ci.HK-But that's not to drink. That's to wash In.
Bxu.noY-Thafs what I tolJ him, and he got madder still.
He wanted to know if they thought he was a heathen. He
said he washed before he started away from home-.!''.
ONE.
" Tills Is an awfully new country," remarked the English
man : " you haven't a slngls ruin worth looking at."
" Oh, that's all right," confidently replied the American I
" wait a year or so, and see the Harrison admlnlstratlon."
JVt. HE DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE VACANCY.
Aitmcant roa Position (to manager of New York Electric
I Ight Co )-I saw your advertisement for linemen In this morn
ing's paper, Mr. Carbon, and have called to make application
for a place. ,
Mamaoir Well I I'm I Kr I The tact l, we have no va
cancy, but If you nlll sit down for half an hour one of our men
is sure to get "U ,lv wl nJ fou cn Uk 1,11 tu"U
go right to work.-JfuM"y' Weekly.
ABSENT MINDED.
Ai.ov (at the doorH-ew, blew my loul, Mlas (lushly I I
believe I've forgotten something. Lenimeeee
Ms tl. siiLV-Coat-hat-ca-.eT Why, yoo have them
all, Mr. Baboony.
Auiv-Aw, yaas ( but-but-Mlas (lushly-dear Kdlth-I
fswgot to awsk-wlll you-wlll yoo my wile T-TVjm !
ing:
LOVE'S 1'F.HT.
BsATaica-Reglnsld, I csn always tell when you are near.
Uioisau-1Iow. darling T
BiATNM i I ran smell the Acme blacking on your iliosa.
Muntey't Weekly.