9a
THE WEST SHORE.
April, 1881
AN OVKklll.kl.KNKI) CUNSC'IKNCF.
I 'OH I AMI, Artll llil, NK.
To in KnnoK or tun Wnt Snout,
li it never too late to do poo, I. even
though one may hive led prc i,uly
vicious iikI unprofitable exittence, and
It it with lhi feeling uppermost in mv
heart tint I tit down to unliinhcr in
overburdened conscience.
I was horn in Connecticut and re
reived the Itcncfila of a good coininon
kchiH.I education, coupled with t tint
wholesome tuition in rcligiouk matlcrt
which U a part o New England home
kleml life. Had my revered parcntt
ever entertained one thought llint their
son would have entered iimn i voca
lion which (hough not amenable to
criminal prosecution still merits nil (he
censure of jul men they would hardly
have watched over my cradle w ith tuch
fond kolii itudc. Scorning all the temp
laliom to lierome a lxirliir and a forger
which leel my path when I first ar
rived in Oirgon, in 1871,1 became a
dairyman.
At fin.1 I told "straight milk" from
aeven fine cowt, puichaed ly the
tavingt of my wagck a a laborer in
Yamhill county. Hut ihe demand
for I he lacteal 11 11 Id incrcaed I wa tud
dcnly taken with the detire to hecome
at wealthy at I. (). Millt, the great
twill-milk aiKMtle of Sun Francisco,
whose caiik ami puuiiw have made him
a successful railroad contiactor in Hrit
ih Columhia and an opulent telegraph
speculator In New Voik. It grew
upon me fiom hy In day till I finally
Ixiughl a rotary pump and lcgaii ol.
I .lining money through fnlte pieti-iuet.
T aid me in this icmoisrlest citieer
of t lime I tpaictl 110 paint that ingenu
ity rould devli. The white ilifl.of
iKner yielded their chalk In color the
intlpid lluid for which the average vrr
dant I'oillandrr (wild me four hilt x r
gallon. The oat lieldt of I'olk and
Maiion contributed their glulinou
mral tnatsitt the wmk of dissemblance.
And even the little cakct which patii.
tit ally led their IiIimmI for their conn
Ity'k W, also wiled w ith their hiaiiu
w hich I powdcird up and mixed with
the llu,id waters of the Tualatin,
that my cutomcit in the Vrlfoi me
tnolk might have tnilk in iheir rollee.
The cheese w hich 1 pi.luvd wt a
wonder of Impm iouMieit t- the tien.
chant i!ad of the alleged servant gill,
at It rr lh devoted buttle-j
mentt of Stimpter been constructed of
that iinpeiictriilile material the Gascon
swash buckler, I'ierrc (Justavc Toil-
tnnt IJtauregaril, would have teen lin
iron missiles hurled hack harmless from
its (Sweiter) casemate and felt that
hit hoics of immortality were nipped
in the bud. Ami the only mistake of
the illustrious Ericsson was that he did
not use my Wapnto cheese for the de
fensive armor of his monitors. I have
seen my cheese testeil thoroughly by
rats and when I say " rats," like Col.
Jack (iainliill, I mean all the rats and
have In-held the ambition rodents re
tire from the contest as sad examples
of that vaulting ambition which over
leaps itself. I told this cheese for
Cheshire, but a ship carpenter who
purchased some of it remarked that
" plituksheer" would be a more npro-
priatc name for it. Hut as he was of
1 1 oil 11 iid ancestry I forgave the covert
tnecr. lie converted it into cork fend
ers for river steamers for which pur
xsc it wat a marked success.
And then the butter which I made.
It was fair to look at in the cool days
which preceded the vernal equinox, but
when the August days of canine rubies
came around I could say with Hamlet's
uncle (so called because the Prince of
Denmark was given to spouting at his
residence), that it smelt to Heaven."
It contained some cream, of course,
but it might as well have lieen cream
of tartar a anything cite. Some ecu
toriout HMple would have called it
"bull butter"! suppose, but even when
butter it made from cream, which prac
tice is already ranked among the lost
aits, the propi it-tor of the powder horns
and other jewi by is but an indirect con
tributoi to the gland result. Hence my
frivent piotest in behalf of the bull.
Let the cows hear the blame. In mat-
trtt like the Christianry scandal it is
Ihe way of the w.uld to "stone the
woman and let the man go free."
Trilling causes olten lead to total rev-
oliuions, , mv cxjj fJ1l.l,r was
changed by a very (ini.njH.it .int occur-
icnce. Last .Summer I was cnminir
down the Columbia on the R. It.
Ilmmpson, m company with some
titty or seventy other passengers. (..
foi Innately I missed gelling a
Ihe first table nu I was obliged to taU
bie,kf.tv witlnevetal persons w ho paid
for Iheir meals. Opp,itc ie tat a
nun U fealmrs klokcncd that he!
was of foreign birth. In fact, I think
he was a Missourian.
He was about to drink a cup of cof
fee and noticed that the fluid wore its
normal color. He called the waiter and
said :
"Please get me more milk."
"Can't do it, sah," replied the son of
Ham, "de milk's all out."
" Hut haint yer got 110 more down in
the cellar, Snowball?" pleaded the
disciple of Pap Price.
" I done tole yer de milk all used up
Ht de fustest table," retorted the Louisi
ana Returning board.
Look a here, contraband, suppose
you ch-a-lk us out a little, can't yer?
The pangs of a guilty conscience
smote me to the quick. I knew he
meant the remark for my ears, for he
looked at me instead of the unbleached
American. Instantly my resolution
was taken, and I was determined to
lead a more honorable life, if it were
even not so profitable. I came home
and sold off my cows and pump to a
blarsted Englishman, who put up a
sign on his front gate " Milk of the
First Water sold here." He was an
unsuccessful diamond hunter from the
Cape of Good Hope, and if he don't
take down that sign he'll be wnlking
around with an alpaca duster on, next
Christmas day.
I feel already a lighter heart and a
clearer conscience. With the money
realized from the sale of my dairy I
bought two picks, three crowbars and
a ton of giant powder, and am now an
honest miner. I am engaged in run
ning a tunnel under First street, the
alleged terminus of which is under the
vault of the First National Bank. If
there is no Failing in my undertakings,
I shall soon be in possession of count
less shekels, enough to enable me to
live upon Dry Monopole and Eastern
oysters for the rest of my days. Then
I can take little children on my knee
and inculcate into their youthful minds
the lessons contained in that sublime
maxim of Rochefoucauld, that "half a
loaf is the best policy, and honesty is
Iwttcr than no bread."
Your,Jruthfully,
A Rkfohmed Daiuvman.
We put Up with follv mnm nnlinnllir
than we do with injustice.
Much as he loves roast beef, John
Hull is continually tm;.. t.:.k
Mews.