February.
THE WEST SHORE
115
For Thb West Shokb.
ONWARD EVER.
lit UBS. T. MOFFETT.
Forever run, 0 rapid rmr,
Ceaseless ii thy tide;
Onward tin, backward nBTer,
Dost thou awiftlv glide.
Oh! thoa type of human greatness,
It great, one fain wouldit be,
Must like thee ever progress,
Never backward flee.
Though the strife proTe fierce and lasting,
Though the heart should fait,
Take no false step downward, backward,
But stoutly stem the gale.
Place thy hope, thy faith above thee,
Strive with night and roaiu,
For the honor thou desireth,
And vict'ry thou wilt gain.
Like yon grandly flowing river,
That laps Columbia's shore,
That onward ever, backward never,
Steadily doth pcur
Till it reaches its destination,
The open sounding sea;
And rolls its mighty waters in
Id grand sublimity.
THE FOOL CATCHER AGAIN.
II V A FOOL.
That it should have occurred a sec
ond time I I protest I am mortified!
I am more than mortified I must ex
plain. It began with Dolly Dalrymple, but
all the aunts, nieces and cousins are in
it. In fact there is a breeze in the fam
ily tree, and every twig is in a flutter;
and Aunt Scnnoth went to explain to
Dolly, who shut the door on Aunt Sen
noth, thereby knocking in the crown
of her hat, and nearly pushing her
from the steps; and the children, even
to our three-ycars-old Dot, play Dolly
and Aunt Sennoth, and say to each
other, "You old hate "
But never mind what they say. It
is simply shocking, and, putting on my
mantle of charity, I was starting the
other morning to act as mediator, when
coming up our steps again, with his
book under his arm, I suw the Fool
Catcher.
"I sec," remarked that gentleman,
with his quiet smile, " that though you
hray a fool in a mortar, yet will not his
foolishness depart from him. v all in
line, Madam!"
And so we marched on as before
the Fool Catcher and I and at the
first turning met Mrs. La Place, look
ing lagged and fretted.
" I am worn out," said Mrs. La Place,
plaintively. " 1 am searching for a
roc's egg to hang from my drawing
room ceiling, and I believe I have ex
plored every street of the city on foot
lest my man snoum pass a single door.
I have telegraphed every where! I
have sent to Barnum's, and all the mu
seums 1 and Dr. Thibet, the great trav
eler, you know, has promised to bring
me one from Syria, or Timbuctoo, or
some of those places. But that is so
long, you knowl Besides, he may he
eaten by a lion, or some of those horrid
natives; and every time I see Mrs.
Conda, 'my dear, she cries, isnt it
perfect! pointing to the egg dangling
from her ceiling. I could box the wo
man's cars.
"Why?" asked the Fool Catcher,
done
" Do you suppose I intend to be
me bv Mrs. Conda?" cried Mrs,
out-
La
Place, with spirit. "Is it not enough
that she has the first roc's egg? and
they are the rage in Paris, where they
are bringing fabulous sums! Why,
Mr, Fool Catcher, no house is perfect
without one."
"Mrs. La Place," said the Fool
Catcher, " if Mrs. Conda whom you
know is an ill-bred, illiterate woman,
for whose mind and heart you have a
thorough contempt if Mrs. Conda, I
say, in this hemisphere, or some wo
man in another hemisphere, so much
more worthless that the details of her
existence could not be mentioned be
fore a lady like you, should choose to
make a drawing-room pet of a donkey,
and keep him on the rug, do you think
your house would be perfect without
dim? Or suppose Mrs. Conda or
Millie. Anonyme grew thistles in their
green-houses, would you not pull up
your roses at once ?"
"One must do as the world does,"
commenced Mrs. La Place, when
"Fall in line, Madam!" interrupted
the Fool Catcher, sharply.
"But the roc's egg r bleated Mrs.
La Place.
" Will be for sale in evcrv shon in !
the city, once it is known by American
women that one dangles in Mdlle.
Anonyme's boudoir," retorted the Fool
Catcher, grimly.
And so we marched on Mrs. La
Place, the Fool Catcher, and I till we j
were brought to a stand by young
Tandem, who had nearly run us down, i
" Good-morning, Mr. Tandem." said
the Fool Catcher, putting up his glass.
w Pray, Sir, will you allow me to ex
amine your pocket-book? Unless my
excellent glass deceives me that is re
markable currency you are carrying.
One of the Fool 'Catcher's oeculiar
conditions was that no one was ever
surprised by his requests or dreamed
of disputing them. Accordingly young
Annul-in uicw uui ins pone-iuuunuic,
and looked quietly on while the Fool
Catcher, like an amateur brigand.
counted out bank-notes and gold pieces
in nis oroao nana. iy what magic we
read there, in place of the usual le
gends, such inscriptions as, " Business
Credit," "Mother's Peace," "Broken
Heart," " Father's Disappointment,"
"Good Health," "Common Sense,"
" A Year of Life," Good Name," and
" Energy," I do not pretend to say ; but
there were the letters, and there were
we looking at them, young Tandem
with us.
"Good Health Energy Honor
Business Credit Mother's Peace A
Year of Life." repeated the Fool
Catcher, in his deep voice. "Large
prices to pay, Mr. Tandem, for wines
and cigars, ((linking bouts, smiles that
can be bought, games at cards, and
horse-flesh, You buy dear and sell
cheap, Mr. Tandem, and have as good
a chance as any man I know of being
shortly bankrupt of all these commod
ities, tapping the inscriptions with his
finger. "Fall in line, Mr. Tandem 1"
And so we marched on young lan-
dem, Mrs. La Place, the Fool Catcher,
and I till we found Mrs. Sharpc cut
ting up the talented Mrs. Kamilla
Cur so.
"Nothing in her at all 1 cries Miss
Sharpc, shrilly. " Call her talented if
they like. I say her playing is ordin
ary. She is not at all graceful; her
eyes arc dull, her nose is too long, she
has no "
" Fall in line, my dear Madam, and
don't perjure yourself!" cried the Fool
Catcher, briskly.
"So" snapped Mrs. Sharpc, vi
ciously, and eying Mrs. La Place and
myself "all the fools are women! We
should have a female Fool Catcher!"
"Ah, Madam 1 what need," said the
Fool Catcher, serenely, "when fool
catching is the business of ladies' lives,
and you do it so well?"
" The brute !" muttered Miss Sharpc.
But by this time we were at Mrs. Mer
ry well's door, and found that pretty
little woman in violent perturbation
crying, in fact, and sniffing tin romanti
cally, because her honey-moon had
gone down; in one breath abusing her
Harry, in the next bemoaning herself.
"Dear Mrs. Merrywell," said the
Fool Catcher,sympathctically, "is your
husband unkind to you?"
"Not not exactly," sobbed Mrs.
Merrywell. " I think he is fond of me
in his way, but he is so changed. He
used to lean over the piano, and now
he lounges on the sofa with his horrid
cigars while I sing, and says, That's
jolly!' and 'You're a larky little wo
man!' think of my being a larky
little woman now, when he used to call
me an angel! and then he brought me
bouquets every evening, and I now
asked him for one and he forgot it ;
said he had been so busy; and I cried,
and he called me a goose me!"
"Dear Mrs. Merrywell," asked the
Fool Catcher, seriously, though not
without a twinkle of the eves, "have
you your husband's picture?''
"To be sure," returned Mrs. Merry
well, briskly. "I had it before our
marriage, and I used to kiss it every
day."
"Precisely; and did you kiss it this
morning, Mrs. Merrywell?"
" Why, no," returned the little wo
man, doubtfully. " I"
"Did you kiss it yesterday, or the
day before, or even the week before?"
continued the Fool Catcher, with in
creasing severity; "or did you this
very morning pinch your husband's
ears and pull his hair instead? Mrs.
Merrywell, you may be fond of your
husband in your way, but think of pull
ing his hair instead of kissing his pic
ture!" "At any rate, I don't forget what he
asked me, and then call him a goose,"
argued Mrs. Merrywell, plucky and
pouting.
"Mrs. Merrywell," said the Fool
Catcher, " when you have baked your
cake on one side you must turn it and
bake it on the other. Your case is by
no means singular. Wholly to win a
man, a woman must win -him twice
over. Once by her beauty, her girlish
freshness and sparkle, whatever it was
that attracted him; the second time, by
her goodness, tact, and cleverness; and
as the last qualities are superior, so is
the last love sweeter and dearer. But
if instead you only show him tears,
pouting, and deshabille he will be apt
to remember that he was won by fair
looks, and feel as vou would, Mrs. Mer
rywell, if you paid for a silk gown and
they sent you home a print."
"Why are not women then to be
won twice over, and all the rest of it?"
commenced Mrs. Merrywell, mutin
ously. " Why must men ?"
"My dear Madam," interrupted the
Fool Catcher; "I do not make facts,
I only state them. Fall in line, if you
please. A walk with us will do you
no harm."
And o we marched or. Mrs. Mer
rywell, Miss Sharpe, young Tandem,
Mrs. La Place, the Fool Catcher, and
I till we were unlucky enough to
meet Nullus with an armful of books,
all bearing, "The WonLD as it is:
Nullus," in gilt lettering on the back.
I am positive that the Fool Catcher
tried to dodge him, but Nullus seized
him by the coat, and began to dilate on
his book, assuring him that he would
find satisfactorily treated there every
subject ot note that had been started
since the deluge.
" Do you find market for your
works?" asked the Fool Catcher, un
easily. " Market!" repeated Nullus, with
huge disdain. " Does any thing find a
market nowadays but clap-trap? Give
people sound reasoning, and profound
thought on original subjects, and they
won't read it. Fine fancies and deli
cate shades of thought arc thrown away
on the brutal taste of the day. 1 tell
you, Sir, men are required to write as
srenc-makcrs paint in great, staring
colors, that require no thought, and no
close inspection. No, bir," pursued
Nullus, with increasing heat, "I don't
expect to find a market, Sir. A hun
dred years hence, somebody may dig
out a stray copy of The World as it is,'
and make the publisher's fortune; but
I pay for publishing, and starve in a
dirty lodging-house."
"Alter your style."
"To suit a vitiated taste? Never,"
declaimed Nullus.
" Choose another profession,"
" What, and give up my muse! Im
possible; why "
"Fall in line, Sir!" roared the Fool
Catcher, What thedeuce would you
have, if you will play dead-marches
w hen the people want jigs!"
And so we marched on Nullus,
Mrs. Merrywell, Miss Sharpc, young
Tandem, Mrs. La Place, the Fool
Catcher, and I and met the Hon. Mr,
Boreas, coming fast, and with a bright
face, around the corner.
" Congratulate me," he cried to the
Fool Catcher. " I have just been in
vesting money in the Asho! Splendid
investment! The circulation is "
"Fall in line!" exclaimed the Fool
Catcher, sharply. Why, you arc a
curiosity, Sir!1
And so we marched on the Hon.
Mr. Boreas, Nullus, Mrs. Merrywell,
Miss Sharpe, young Tandem, Mrs. La
Place, the Fool Catcher, and I to the
Tornado Place, where old Tornado sat
at dinner, in a fury, over the beef.
Underdone again I Is there a house
keeper in this house or not, Mrs. Tor
nado?" roared her husband. " If not,
inform me, and I will supply the defi
ciency. Upon my word, Madam, it is
a wonderful thing a wonderful thing,
that nothing can be done properly in
my house. Every thing, from the
children to the dinner, neglected and
spoiled. D n it, Madam, do you hear
me? I say every thing is ruined in
this house!" glaring fiercely at Mrs.
Tornado, who sat stonily through it
all, looking steadily at her plate,
"The brute! the as!" murmured the
Fool Catcher, "to trample under his
hoof not only the woman but all his
own chance of happiness, when you
can lead any woman, with kisses and
coaxing, from Dan to Beriheba. Fall
in line, Mr. Tornado!"
And so we marched on Tornad,o
the Hon. Mr. Boreas, Nullus, Mrs
Merrvwell, Miss Sharpc, young Tan
dem, "Mrs. La Place, the Fool Catcher
and I to the next block, where Mrs
Scragge sat reading a letter, crossed ami
recrosscd, after the horrible manner of
women.
"Such a sad case!" she said, looking
at the Fool Catcher; "but, of course,
you have heard. I always felt there
was something about that woman that
was to be distrusted. How can people
do such things, Mr. Fool Catcher?"
"Circumstances alter cases," returned
the Fool Catcher, sentcntinusly.
"I do not think they do, cried Mrs.
Scragge, virtuously. "I do not con
sider any circumstances an excuse for
such things. I have never pretended
to be better than other women; but,
Mr. rool Catcher, you might bring me
what circumstances you like, and it
would make no difference with me; not
an atom."
The Fool Catcher waved his hand
toward our ranks.
"Fall in line, Madam! You are as
wise as a baby that is sure the candle
will not burn its fingers;" securing, in
the same breath, an editor, whom he
had caught among the prophets.
And so we marched on the Editor,
Mrs. Scragge, Tornado, the Hon. Mr.
Boreas, Nullus, Mrs. Merrywell, Miss
Sharpe, young Tandem, Mrs. La Place,
the Fool Catcher, and I to well
really, there arc times, and persons, and
things about which one should have
discretion let us say that it was Dash,
who was observing, in an unctions,
comfortable way, to three bony women
in print gowns:
"I don't deny that it is hard, my goo-J
ladies, but it is undoubtedly the will of
God, because, whatever is, is right; so
that, in my opinion, the powerful effort
that is now being made to alter your
status, is a direct flying in the face cf
I'rovulcncc. it is paiutul indivKHidliy,
but, no doubt, that is a wise provision
that makes the condition of working
women as uncomfortable as possible,
since, were it otherwise, women might
be tempted to revolt against their natu
ral protectors, and make themselves in
dependent of men."
"My good Dahhl" cried the Fool
Catcher, twirling that worthy about on
his own steps like a top, "if there was
a custom of horsewhipping, daily, all
fat, pompous men like you, would you
consider it an ordinance of God or a de
vice of man? and when you have n
fever, do you not think that a doctor
and medicines is so much flying in the
face of Providence? since, though the
fever may bear individually hard on
you, doubtless a wise provision made
fevers possible for mankind, especially
in the spring, "Fall in line, Dash!" at
the same time pouncing on what he
called Similar Cases a young man,
who insisted that a fine head of blonde
hair and a pair of pink checks were a
sweet temper and a good heart, and a
young lady, who believed a well-
starched shirt-bosom and a heavy mus
tache to be refinement and bravery.
And so we marched on the Similar
Cases, Dash, the Editor, Mrs. Scragge,
Tornado, the Hon. Mr. Boreas, Nullus,
Mrs. Merrywell, Miss Sharpe, young
Tandem, Mrs. La Place, the Foul
Catcher, and I till we found old Cruet,
dropping gall as usual.
"Hear the fellow!" said the Fool
Catcher, as Cruet rail up to Dr. Honi
well. "Good -morning, Doctor t I con
gratulate you, Sir. I sec your son has
graduated at last; and, for my part, let
people talk as they like about young
Cresses, I never fancied inch precocious
development. Ah! Mr. Besom! why,
I was thinking ot you. I have just seen
your new house, Sir. Pity there wasn't
varnish of tune, and ready-grown
moss, to I had with other building
materials, A spiteful neighborhood
like yours will have its fling, you know,
at new people. Mist Cresses, how ill
you look I what has become of that hue
bloom that I used to praise a year ago?
My dear Hodein, wiiy I am meeting
all my friends this morning! So yon
nave an article in the aajfa: and, ly-
the-by, what a wretched number that
was! Pity, too; its editor never pays,
if he can help it. Now"
"Fall in line," said the Fool Catcher,
laying a heavy hand on Cruct's shoul
ders. "I rcmcm!er, Sir, that Heaven
reckons up each dron of gall that you
distill for your fellow-creatures, ami
will, one day, give it all to you to
drink I"
And so we marched on Cruet, the