JACKSONVILLE POST
VOL. 1
JACKSONVILLE, JACKSON COUNTY, OREGON, SEPTEMBER 21. 1M7
Jacksonville Post
P ublished A t J ackso . nvile , O re
gon , Fo.t S eventeen R easons A nd
H ollering A ll T he T ime F or I ts
T own , I ts C ounty and I ts S tate
I ndependent O p E verything B ut
W ealth A nd T axes .
The Post Publishing Co.
Mile i Ojerhill, E litor & Manager
S ubscription P rice $1.50 A Y ear
I n T he U nited S tates , C anada
A nd Y amhill C ounty , O regon
I ssued E very S aturday W hether
You L ike I t O r N ot .
W hen C onvenient S ubscriptions
S hould B e P aid I n M oney ; O ther
wise M ortgages ,
M ines A nd
M ules W ill B e A ccepted
Basted Anticipa tie
cows
Jacksonville hn a’
ompiex-
of various colors,
ions that annoy
ai. They
uch a state
have me worl
limity, what-
that I am losi.
aken the time
ever that is.
this matter be
and trouble t
m to take with
fore, bnt it d.
the cows; not to ..j extent. Lately
they have in their wisdom and mercy
conceived the brilliant ideaof using our
front verandas for entertaining compa
ny and sometimes they pick the locks on
the kitchen doors and occupy a great
deal more space in the houses than is
really necessary. A complaint was
brought into the office last Sunday by a
man, whose word is much oetter than
mire, in which he stated that an old
spotted cow with a stub tail, which she
uses as a night key, has been keeping
him awake nights by unlocking the
front gate and practicing the grand
march and the skirt dance and warb
ling in her merry way a few skits from
the latest opera. He says he doesn't
object to any self-respecting cow visit
ing with his family on regular visiting
days, but one that makes a practice of
staying up at all hours ot the night and
carrying on as this one does is not a fit
companion for the children. For the
past month an old sorrel cow with a
wicked eye and sharp-pointed horns has
been making the front doorstep of this
office her headquarters, trying, no
doubt, to convey the impression that
she is working on a salary. Even at
night, when the marshal is not looking,
sh esneaks around the back way and
gazes mournfully through the key hole.
All this naturally irritates and worries
me and makes me wish her liver might
be fried with onions for dinner some
beautiful evening. The other night the
blow fell. The moon was riding high
in the heavens and the stars were try
ing to become shining marks in the
skies above. All was still. Not a crea
ture stirred All nature seemed to be
wrapped in a sweet, dreamless, snore
less repose. I heard a stealthy step in
the vicinity of the door kneb, and I
switched off the light. And then the
performance commenced.
I picked up a piece of lumber that
had not yet been graded by the Iowa
Lumber company, spat on my hands,
rolled up my sleeves and waded in to
give that cow the all-firedest thumping
she ever received and lived through. I
could see her standing there with her
NO. 1«
beautiful, classic features turned the ory nuts with this once laughing and. the Multnomah county jail upon the
opposite way, she never thinking that happy jaw bone. Ah, could we but charge'of insanity. He says since the
her dreary life was just about o’er. I list to the merry gurgles and joyous weather has begun to get chilly he
raised the two-by-four and brought it war-hoop s that passed over this jaw can't wash, but before this time he
down with the condensed strength and bone in years agone, we would ask for used to wash every day. He has the
eagerness and wrath of months of suf nothing more; not at present, anyhow. simple life down to a fine point.
This simple life must be a great
faring. It struck the corner of the That would be about ail we could stand
thing. There was a journeyman print
window. There was a deafening crash, at one time.
------- —
er in town this week who claims to
then all was still save the low, rippling.-''
have the simple life down about right.
to Get Rich
laugh of a sorrel cow as she quietly How
‘
Th- writer interviewed him the other
walked away.
Editor Post:
Looking back over my life, it seems
Whenever y >. feel that you are d ay'a■r.e told the following iale:
“Along in 189i)-some odd another
to me that it is strewn with nothing not making enough money, come to
fellow and myself tried the simple life
but the ruins of my busted anticipa me. I will tell you how to get rich
tions.
Getting rich is just as easy and slick in the wilds of Wyoming, but it didn’t
as a boy can burn a hole in his pants prove t be the howling success that
4 Little Advice
sliding down, a poplar tiee after a piece we antici| ated. We lacked a few little
Now that school is started'and things of mince pie. All there is to it is to necessaries, among which was the price
are running along first rate, I want to know how. So ie day when I get time, of a plate of ham-and, and that might
get rid of a think that has been pain I am going to prove this, but just now have been one of the draw backs. We
ing me a great deal of late. It is about my only desire is to get you ri h. camped out doors most of the time.
We could have slept in doors if we had
young ladies fitting themselves for a Listen!
wanted to, but there isn’t the same
glorious future; those who imagine they
Start a chicken ranch!
are going to paint their names on the
The hens will lay for you, the roost glad feeling of freedom in a jail as
roof of the hall of fame. There are a ers will crow for you, an.i if you have there is under a water tank. The smell
few who are gifted along certain lines fifty hens you will have fifty crops is different, too. One night we decided
to take the train for Rock Springs. A
that I do not include in this rip-roaring, a year.
laughable one-act spasm; a few who
You can feed your chicken. feed to gentlemen who wore a star advised us
just naturally can't help but bring your chickens and reap guineas. ' If that Rock Springs was a pretty good
sort, of a town. He said he hated aw
themselves into the limelight. This, they won't ¡ay for you, make ’em!
fully to lose our company, but the peo
then, is not for them.
i;il tell you how.
A woman may warble like Melba,
You know a hen is a female chicken ple under his jurisdiction were getting
lecture like Mrs. Duniway, play the and of coutse if she won't lay, she weary from sitting up nights to guard
their hen houses. He said there was
piano like Paderewski and dance like
won’t, and that's all there is to it.
like —the dickens — but can she cook?
The reason is ' because," but we will no connection between his two senten
Can she bake cream biscuits that will shoo th’s away and build a great, big ces, but he just happened to think of
melt in one's mouth, fry potatoes to a barn. Stand the barn up on stilts or the chickens. So we called a meeting
frazzle, and boil eggs to the right con set it or pumpkins, one under each and made a motion to adjourn, it car
ried on the first ballot. When our
sistency without consulting a clock? other.
,
Can she darn her husband's socks and
When you lave finished the barn, train came along we got a board. And
get a cute little dab of flour on her crawl under and hoiler for your wife, we placed the board on the rods under
nose just at the right time? Can she tell her to poke you a lot of nice, clean neath one of the cars, and got aboard
do all this and love her husband as much buckwheatjeake straw. If ehq c.-ui t the board. Afterfthe train got going
as he can hand e in his business? These poke it far enough, speak coaxingly to along at a pretty good clip the other
creatures who are experts in turning her and say, “Come on under, dearie!" fellow conceived the brilliant idea that
out soggy biscuits have strung more in a brick-ice-cream voice and she’ll he would take a look at the scenery.
We were crossing a bridge at the time
scalps than all the Indians since the come.
days of Tecumpseh. They have "filled
Then call the dog and get him to turn and he inserted his neck in one of the
more graveyards than the War of the 'round and 'round in the straw until he . cross pieces when he tried to rubber
Rebellion and broken up more homes has fashioned a dandy lot of hen s and I guess he's hanging around there
, yet I didn't wait for him because he
than all the booze in the land.
nests.
Then when the hired man has pulled was always an impulsive sort of a fel
Young lady, go to school by all
means, but don’t get the notion into your wife out, feet first, you get out if low and that wasn't the first time he
your little red head that you are going you can, and rush over to the hen had gotten it in the neck. 1 have been
, practicing the simple life so long now
to have the world at your feet. At the house, cakcling pleasantly
that I am beginning to feel the symp
“Cut-cut-cut-ca-docket! ’ ’
present writing the world is pretty busy
W hen you get the hens all together, toms of simpleness. It takes a simple
at the foot of the ladder, which you
have probably heard about, and it speak right out in the hen convention, man to be successful in the business.
hasn't time to monkey around at your and in a stern voice pointedly warn Can you loan me two-bits until my al
each individual hen never to lay anoth lowance arrives? Thanks. So long.”
feet.
And the interview wits ended.
er egg under that barn as long as she
Another Relic
lives!
The next day you go to town and hire Tanglefoot
Another specimen of a portion of the
genus homo (that's what a feller said a small boy that won t suck eggs, tie a ‘Way back in the historic past.
it was) is now reposing on our magni- rope to his left leg, back up a dray of
When soldiers trod the land.
ficient whatnot. It consists of the egg crates and “sic" the boy under the And life was one long holiday,
lower jaw bone of said genus homo. barn.
'Twas hard to understand
When he gets his hat full of eggs, What new and different thoughts would
It is dead. This specimen, like all the
rest, was found in the golden sands of yank him over by the rope. I f he
come
Jackson creek, and is well preserved, should complain of friction in the re
The future then was hid
all of the teeth being intact. They tell gion of the stomach, tie a barrel stave No man had yet devised a plan.
us, those who examined the specimen, over his abdomen— but don’t lose time.
For putting on the lid.
that it is the masticating apparatus of The hens wor.'t. When you have eggs
an Indian, because of the solidity of enough, write me a testimonial.
“What is your fuli name?"
the teeth and the squareness of the
P. S. To get religion along with
“Rockefeller. ”
chin. We never fondled an Indian’s riches, save the yellow-legged eggs
“Why, you are not Rockefeller.”
jaw to any extent before this one made and send them to the preacher in i a nice
“I hnow but I think I am the richest
its appearance, and a feeling of sad wicker basket covered with the fringed man in the United States when I'm
ness wells up in our three-cornered tidy Aunt Abbie sent you last Christ full.”
little heart as we gently monkey with mas. And may St. Peter have mercy
the gentleman’s incisors which was on your insole!
“Do you know how to get rich on a
wont in the years gone by to sink deep
Yours truly,
dollar bill?”
into the gravy as the wife of his bosom
A S ubscriber .
“No, how would you get rich on a
poured the coffee and turned the flap
dollar bill?"
jacks. Seven or eight tears of large The Simple Life
“Just fold it. and you will see it in
dimensions steal down throngh the
A mai. by the name of Jacob Myers, creases."
pimples of our self-acting, open face as known as the Mt. Zion wild man, was
we sit in the gloaming and crack hick- captured the othei day and confined in
The Post a good thing to tie to.