DOINGS OF THE V A N LOONS Some one must have told Father that one Mr. Barnett MISCELLANEOUS THOUGHTS IN SHORT PANTS Some surprise wus manifested —x— Because we remarked —x— That a 5*4 course lunch —x— Was served at K. C.’s —x— Male house party. —x— W hy bless you! —x— W e added the half —x— Because it was all so good —x— And was served —x— So uniformly— —x— No long waits between acts. —x— The other night on the way —x— To see Mary Garden’s Thais —x— * A woman asked her husband For a nickel t-x— To buy popcorn —x— And he told her to go to h-----. —x— W e don't admit swear words —x— To this department —x—• But make an exception —x— In this particular case —x— Because we want To emphasize something —x— That needs emphasizing • —x— And assist in reducing expenses —x— In these war times. —x— When a demand is made —x— On a man —x— For a nickel —x— He ought to come thru —x— With $1.50 —x— For it will save —x— The nickel. —x— A woman with $1.50 —x— All at one time —x— W ill keep it intact —x— Until some store —x— Advertises a $1.49 sale —x— Then she will buy —x— A coat or suit —x— And thus being styled —x— W ill not ask —x— For more money —x— For twelve months anyhow. —x— But if she asks for a nickel —x— And gets it —x— The nickel is gone —x— And her stomach ruined —x— The boys in the draft — x— Had one questionaire —x— “ To All out. —x— The wife has been gone —x— For seven weeks - —x — And we have filled out -x— Six of them. - i - P. S. JELLY, JUICES AND JAM. —x— Just came in to say THE RHYMING SUMMARIST “ M OTHER H AS A CEDAR C H E ST” (Salina, Kan., Union) Noticing in the Union that the Canadian soldier who was here last week had a steel leg, a Salina girl wishes to say that her mother has a cedar chest. — x— N IN E T Y H O URS L A T E R T H A N T W E L V E ’ (Vancouver, B. C., Province) Uncle L ije bought a clock so tall that it was almost im possible to get it into the house. The old man was ex tremely proud of it and found it very good company. He would lie awake nights to hear it tick. One night the clock got out of order and began to strike. The old man awoke and counted 102. He promptly sat up in bed, and, calling his wife, said: “ Cynthy, get up, get up! I t ’s later than ever I knowed it to be.” That he wants somebody —x— To sing a duet with him —x— At the next singfest. —x— The name of the song? —x— Beg your pardon: —x— “Open the Door Of the Monkey H ouf: And Make Room —x— For Kaiser Bill.” GOOD SAMARITAN NABBED BY POLICE L E F T ON C H O L L Y ’S COAT (Author Unidentified) She laid her head upon his breast. Arrested While Selling Coal to The color left her cheek, Coney Island’s Poor at And on the collar of his coat Cost Price. It stayed about a week. — x— New York.— Morris Goldberg, a Coney Island hotel proprietor, while IN V IT E D TO W NSM EN TO D IE selling coni to the poor at cost, was (A d in Richmond, Ohio, Gazette) arrested on the charge o f obstruct “ W e thank our customers for their courtesies and pa ing the street. Sentence was sus pended. tronage of the past year and hope that our pleasant rela Coney Island’s poor— and there are tions may continue.— Griffith & Sanders, Undertakers.” many o f them— was able to buy coal — x— from Goldberg at 50 cents a hundred weight. This Is ten ceuts less than YES, I T W I L L CURE OR K IL L the price fixed by the fuel adminis (Orange Peal) trator. I f you don’t feel just right, Goldberg obtained 41 tons o f coal Immediately after he decided to do I f you don’t sleep at night, what he could for the Coney Island ^ I f you moan and sigh, poor. I f your throat is dry, Men, women an'd children, with bags, baskets, baby carriages and sleds, lined I f you can’t smoke or chew, I f your grub tastes like glue. I f your heart doesn’t beat, I f you’ve got, cold feet, I f your head’s in a whirl. Why don’t you marry the girl? —x— A brand new spanking place we have And w e’re feeling like a colt, The' lazy bug has left our bones, W e shout and grab a holt; Its a pretty good old world after all W ith its take and giving, And as for joy For girl and boy, There’s much fun in living. Next week we will get up While many ’round are sleeping, And turn the clock ahead an hour I f the law w e’re keeping; W e ’d stop Time right in its tracks As Joshua did the lighter, I f it would do A thing or two To help the U. S. tighter. Sadie, dear, please listen here, W on’t you wash our dishes, Make the beds, scrub the floors And fresh water all the fishes? W e kr -w you are a “ lady” sure, Tut, tut, on the snarling, Practice now Do learn how To be a fellow ’s darling. A mystic chant is in the air, Good old Spring is calling And warm sun rays oil our joints Unless a mist is falling; But, even Spring has its cross Its Jonah we are meaning, ( --------------------------- Deleted by censor) The housewife’s annual cleaning. ‘SUICIDE” SAVED BY ICE AND POLICE CENSOR, BAD, B AD M AN I (Horton, Kan., Headlight) Chicago Architect Hadn’t Real A Horton girl received a letter from her soldier in ized How Cold the Nights i France the other day and about nine-tenths of it had Were Getting. j been deleted by the censor. She sat down immediately | and wrote her soldier a letter, demanding to know what j Chicago.— Charles J. Hancox. an architect, stood on the bridge at Van I it was the censor had cut out. W H A T DO Y O U K N O W ABO U T T H IS ! (Portland News) Once there was a duck hunter who went out and shot one duck. Then he came back and told his friends he had shot one duck. —x— C H R IS T E N IN G TH E B A B Y (Penn State Froth) Brown has a lovely baby girl The stork left her with a flutter; Brown named her “ Oleomargarine” Because he hasn’t any but her. —x— Became the "Good Samaritan o f Coney Island.” up each day In front o f Goldberg’s hotel and each was permitted to buy a* minimum o f 10 pounds. Goldberg soon became the "Good Samaritan o f Coney Island.” He did not deny his guilt. He said he was actuated only through sympathy and did not make one cent o f profit. H e says he will not resume his charitable work until he receives an apology from the police commissioner. Meanwhile the misery o f the Coney Island poor Increases. ♦ HUSBAND DECEIVED INTO J THINKING HE WAS FATHER Chicago. — A lfred K au ner loved the four-year-old boy and baby girl In his hor . .nd be lieved he was 'heb fe'h er. A few days after his « • " •«* disap pearance he to o i Lie neby » :rl to a foundling home and loom ed that his w ife had u. m l the girl from the home shortly a? • er It was born. Later, when hfi ftjo. the boy to the home, he learn'’*’ that U.a w ife had aloo dec ved him about the second cM ’ d. Now he Is preparing adoption papers. * SHE S A T A P A R T ) (Chicago Tribune) W e were talking across the aisle. Presently the girl who sat alone leaned over and said: “ You and the lady take this seat. I ’m not. together.” — x— ON TH E RAG G ED EDGE OF TREASO N (Irvin Zumwalt, whoever he is) Up in Michigan the inmates of the insane asylum are knitting war sweaters and are said to he producing just as good work as anybody, which explains why some knitters we know have been able to get by. — x— YES, OUR G IR L S A R E IN SUSPENSE (Coffeyville, Kan., Times) I f the Committee on Public Information will get busy and publish a list of marriage licenses issued in France since the soldiers landed “ over there,” it will end a lot of suspense “ over here.” — x— A V E R Y P A T H E T IC B A L L A D (Cornell W idow) Their meeting it was sudden; Their meeting it was sad. She gave her sweet, young life, The most precious thing she had. She sleeps beneath the willows; In peace she’s resting now; There’s always something doing „ When a freight train meets a cow. Buren street. L i t In his Inside eoat pocket to see that the note he had written waa safe, and then climbed up on the lee railing. While he Is balancing himself fo r the leap the | reader may glance at the n ote: “ Please notify my wife, Mrs. Charles J. Hancox; my sister, Miss Lottie Hancox, 5010 West Monroe street, and S. W. Hancox o f Oak Park.” Mr. Hancox cast a farewell look to ward the loop lights and (lived. It was a good dive. H e came up like a sea lion and quickly cruwled on a cake o f Ice and began crying fo r help. He fire department àifd ponce, ned a rope to the railing o f the bridge and let, himself down hand over hand until he was treading water. He hauled Hancox to him and held him by tlMi neck until the flreboat came and took? him aboard. A police ambulance met the flreboaCt and Hancox was rushed to St. Luke*« hospital for treatment, his hands hav-] Ing been frozen. Otherwise he wa va * uninjured. It was stated. He decline aed to talk. Brldgetenders Maloney and Ryai* also suffered frozen hunds. They rub-: bed them In snow, put a little kero sene on them, and went back to work. ; NOBODY WANTS HUSBAND : WHO SLEEPS WITH HORSE i ' Cleveland.— Nobody wants a husband who Insists upon sleeping In the barn with the horse. A t least, that’s what Mrs. Louise Chrisslnger thinks. The court thought so, too, fo r when Mrs. Chrlssinger filed her petition fo r divorce the court promised her a writ o f separa tion. “ He would eat his supper and stick around the house until bed time, and then he’d go out and bed down with the horse,” the complulnunt topi the adge. OREGON BOYS STAGE DUEL One Shot to Death in Effort to Re lieve Monotony o f Hunt ing Trip. Oregon City, Ore.— Leslie Ledour, aged sixteen, Is dead at Park Place, near here, because he and his boy com panions staged a duel In the woods to break the ennui o f an unsuccessful hunting trip. Unable to find any game, the boyS) decided to stage a battle, and Ledonx armed with a magazine 22 caliber rifle, agreed “ to stand off” Cecil <> een. thirteen. Hnd Lake Smith, fifteen, each armed with single shot 22s. Crouching behind a stump and onl> rising to fire, Ledoux stood )■' m- panions off fo r 13 minutes, men dropped dead with a bullet hole In 1J < forehead. His companions wer* oo>o Quickly Crawled on a Cake of Ice. and told their parents Lexou- was hadn't realized how cold the nights sick, but later conf- .ied to the -her.ft were getting. Brldgetenders John Ma what had happened. _______________ loney and John Ryan at Harrison street beard him. Maloney threw him Take the Post, tin , per a life preserver. Hancox Jumped from with a punch. Two tunc» his Ice cake and seized It. Then Ryan, who had notified the a week.—$1.50 a year.