St. Helens mist., April 23, 1915, HOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION, Page 16, Image 22

nOME AND FARM MAGAZINE SECTION
16
Stories the World Meets With Smiles
Last One Escaped.
IN the old days when there were school
masters In our public schools Instead ot
the neat young schoolmistresses, whom
the magazine stories Insist today control
the ruffianly scholars by kindness In
those days, according to an old-timer, the
schoolmaster had been disobeyed and was
very angry.
"Once again," said he, "my orders have
been flagrantly violated. Who is the mis
creant?" Not a soul answered. A tragic silence
prevailed.
"This matter shall be settled at once,"
the teacher declared firmly. "If no ono
will tell, every boy In the class shall be
thrashed."
No one spoke up, and one by one tho
lads were soundly caned. The last boy
was about to receive his punishment, but
suddenly the cano was withheld. Fixing
a keen look on the lad, the master said:
"Now, If you will tell mo who did this
action I shall not punish you."
"All right, sir," came the unhesitating
reply. "I did It." Louisville Times.
i Long-Winded.
"Travelers' tales, which often add
charm to the conversation of an agree
able and Interesting person, frequently
render a bore more tiresome than ever,"
said Rex Beach, and Illustrated as fol
lows: "A long-winded narrator had droned on
at the club the other night for an hour
or more about his recent trip to Switzer
land. " 'There I stood, gentlemen," he said,
'there I stood with the abyss yawning In
front of me.'
" 'Pardon nie," Interjected one of the
unfortunates who had been obliged to
listen to the story, 'but was that abyss
yawning before you got there?' " Every
body's Magazine.
i Custom Puzzled Him.
It was the kindly custom In the village
for the well-to-do Inhabitants to make
good any loss which the villagers might
sustain through the death of any live
stock. The retired manufacturer who
had onlv recently settled In the village
Whrn yu o to Portland you will
Attend the Theater
Tou will rt the mot for your money
by coins to
THE BAKER
(Ow U Baker. MKT.)
On Broadway and Morrison 8te.
Home ot th Union baker P'V" ,.
Prices. 25c S3c. 60o. 75c. Ulli, 25c, SO.
Matinee
81NDAV. WF.nSESOAV. 8ATCKDAT.
Always a now play. Hlfh-claea compenr
ot real aciora an.i actresses. Beautiful
conic and etaite effect. Th Baker llay
tTi have been famous In Portland for IS
jears and to tea them U a part of ooe'a
visit to the metropolis.
ttATINLE DAE 230
The Forgrt-Me-Nota, eight cute, clever, clay
Chick In a, ipectacular icenlo dancing nov
elty. The VentatUt Harmony Five, in a "Cab
aret Revue." Neal Abel, comedian. Mr, and
Mm, Harold Gray. Nat Leffincwell and
.Marion .ale( in a one-act coim-ily, "The
Sleep Walker." Milt Wood, in a singing and
tfancin specialty. l'anlageitcupe, flmt-run
pictures.
The theater is always a part of the busi
ness of a trip to Portland. At llroadnay and
Mark Street. KlKht In the Middle of the
llutrl DIM r let, Will He found the Ornaeura,
the largest and newest theater in the North
west, and where there Is ulwaya a bill that
combines music, novelties and laugh-provoking
feature. Tim Oil 1-11 1. 1. H IS AL
WAYS WOKTIl WHILE.
GOING EAST or
COMING WEST
We Can Save You Money
Reduced rates on Household Goods, Pi
anos, Automobiles, etc. Through consoli
dated cars, insuring prompt delivery and
careful handling. Rates and Information
on Request.
PacificCoastForwarding Company
zui YvncOT Bunning, Portland, Or.
was Ignorant of this laudable proceeding,
and was considerably puzzled by the visit
of a laborer's wife who explnlued that
she had lost a pig.
' Well, I ain't got It," explained tho be
wildered newcomer.
"What I mean, sir. Is, of course, the
pig died," nervously explained the woman.
"Well, what do ou want me to do,"
cried the thoroughly exasperated man,
"send a wreath?"
Cautious Tommy.
Sunday School Teacher Once upon a
time there were two rich men, one of
whom made his fort 11 no by honest in
dustry, while the other made his by fraud.
Now, which of these two men would you
prefer to be?"
Tommy (after a moment's hesitation)
"Which made the most?"
Wished ItorrmviiiK Kliniinatctl.
The new piny was In rehearsal, and a
delegation of actors approached the man
ager. On being received, tho spokesman
said: "Sir, we have come to ask that
a portion of Mr. Brown's part be cut out."
"What's all this about? What do you
want cut out?" asked the manager.
"The part where he, as the disguised,
borrows $5. Every time he thinks any
of us has any money he culls a rehearsal."
Chicago Pally News.
Sarah's Gloves.
A family In the South had a coal black
cook named Sarah, whose husband was
suddenly killed in a quarry accident. For
the time being her grief was allayed by
the preparations for an elaborate funeral,
and on the day of this event, so dear to
negroes who desire to show their Import
ance, she appeared before her mistress
in deepest black, but on her hands were
a pair of white gloves, such ns soldiers
wear at dress parade, and guard mounts.
"Why, aunt," exclaimed her mistress,
"what made you got white gloves?"
Sarah drew herself up Indignantly, and
said, in the chilliest tones: "Don't you
suppose I wants dem nlgguhs to see dat
I'se got on gloves?"
tlow Jones Kxplalurtl It.
Recently Jones collided with a spell of
hard luck, and In order to make his pork
and beans and his appetite meet he was
compelled to pawn his watch. While the
watch was yet in hock, a friend asked
him the time of day.
"Why, what In the world has become
of your watch?" asked the surprised
friend, seeing Jones yank out a tlmo killer
of the turnip brand.
"Here it is," smiled Jones, extending
the cheap ticker. "Anything tho matter
with your optical apparatus?"
"Yes: but that's a silver watch," per
sisted the friend. "Tho one you used to
have had a handsome gold rase."
"I know It did." was the grlnful re
Joinder of Jones; "but circumstances alter
cases." Philadelphia Telegraph.
Fixing the Amount,
One afternoon the bookkeeper em
ployed by a certain concern bulged Into
the private office and timidly approached
the desk of tho boss.
"Mr. Jinks," said he, after some hesi
tation, "during tho past week I have been
doing the clerk's work as well as mv own,
and this being payday, I thought .'would
remind you of that fact."
"Let mo see." responded the boss,
thoughtfully. "You make $10 a week and
tho clerk makes J5. Is that right?"
"Yes. sir," answered the bookkeeper,
with a hopeful expression.
"Good!" smiled the boss. "Then, as I
figure It our, you made half a week for
yourself and half a week for the clerk
I will tell the cashier to fix the amount at
$7.50."
Too Soon to Write.
Congressman Joseph A. Golden, of New
York, smiled largely at a social affair
the other evening when refereuce was
made to sending little wifey away for the
Summer. He said ho was reminded of
the consternation of Smith.
Mrs. Smith was going to the mountains
and the old mau had accompanied her to
the depot to look after the baggage and
whiBper a tender farewell.
"Goodby, dear!" said father, affection
ately kissing her as the train drew In
"Take care of your health and have a c00,i
time." b u
"Goodby, papa!" returned little wlfey
pasting on a few extra kisses and hustling
for the car steps. "I will write to you
the day after tomorrow."
"What's that?" exclaimed father, with
a look of consternation. "Why, the
money you have with you ought to last
at least two weeks!" Philadelphia Tele-
grapn
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