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Reporter's notebook
TP"
Erik R. Bishoff | Photographer
Graduate student Jenny Druckenmiller, on the third floor of McKenzie Hall, says the area is suitable for Iona
study sessions. McKenzie Hall offers just one of several hideaways on campus.
Feeling paranoid? Seek out a secure
hiding location around campus
1 BY RYAN NYBURG
PULSE EDITOR
The modern use of the word
paranoia comes from psychiatrist
Emil Kraepelin, who used the term to
describe a condition in which the
patient suffers from delusions but
does not experience the hindering of
any other intellectual facets. Modern
usage trimmed down paranoia to
mean any delusion in which persecu
tion plays a part, eitherthrough being
watched and/or controlled from a dis
tance, through hypochondria, through
the belief that unknown people are
out to cause harm, orthrough eroto
mania (in which one believes that
someone of a higher status, usually a
celebrity, is in love with them).
So we all know whatthis means: We
need good placesto hide, and we need
them now. Though I know it might com
promise their integrity, let me reveal to
you a few of the excellent hiding spots I
have found here on campus.
We will begin where every good
journey should begin — in the ground
floor men's bathroom of the Knight
Library. Though the library has many
excellent bathrooms, this one has the
added advantages of being dank and
hard to find — perfect to escape
those mysterious men in black who
have been following you since last
November. Another good hiding spot
in the Knight Library is on the fourth
floor, in a small corner nearthe fire
exit next to shelf number 17, between
Mario Abadia Valencia's "La So
ciedad de las Naciones de America"
(341.69 Ab 14) and Henry Russell
Spencer's "Government and Politics
of Italy" (342.45 Sp 33, copy number
six). This is where the prominence of
the Internet as a research tool and the
rising illiteracy rate can really work to
your advantage, because it is unlikely
anyone will be up there anytime soon.
If your enemies are particularly fat or
out of shape, I would suggest the ninth
floor stairwell of Prince Lucien Camp
bell Hall. The primary advantage of this
location is that no one is willing to climb
nine floors, meaning this section of the
stairwell is hardly ever used. Of course
that man from the CIA could just take
the elevator up and walk over to the
stairwell, but we'll hope he won't be
that clever. If you are not comfortable
with the cold concrete of the stairs,
then you are a wussy and should hide
in the bathroom. (I realize that I am sug
gesting a disproportionate number of
restrooms to hide in, but if cowering in
a pungent, unwashed lavatory is
wrong, then I don'twantto be right.)
The Erb Memorial Union also
makes an excellent hiding spotforthe
discriminating paranoiac. The EMU
looks like the product of some kind of
weird architectural Frankenstein ex
periment, a twisted zombie building
that devours other buildings for suste
nance. It is just the sort of institutional
squalorthat makes for good conceal
ment. The basement floors are partic
ularly well suited to this purpose.
Stuffed of all the things universities
traditionally put in the lower levels of
memorial unions, such as pool tables
and minority student organizations,
the basement of the EMU also fea
tures a couple of well-placed, hardly
noticeable recycling bins. I can often
be found in the one just off the com
puter lab, nearthe soda machines.
Straub Hall is an excellent place to
sneak away for a couple of hours, be
cause asthe home of the Psychology
Department, it is the one place on
campus where strange behavior is
never questioned and no one will give
a second thoughtabout why you are
wearing an aluminum foil hat. I would
suggest the small study desk between
rooms 155 and 156.
Speaking of hiding under desks, one
excellent place to cower in fear is a
small desk in a basement-level hallway
of Pacific Hall, near room number
eight. This hallway is where the Envi
ronmental Studies department does its
most insidious experiments and is
loaded with unused industrial equip
ment. Speaking of which, I found a
Baurer Helium Compressor down
there. Model 50B, part no. D3999
258G1, serial no. 007, if anyone is look
ing for it By the way, did you know that
it is possible to walk from Lawrence
Hall to Huestis Hall without ever having
to step outside? Little known fact. It
takes a little while to navigate through
the science department hallways,
where people survive on a combina
tion of Mountain Dew and research
grants, but this could proveto be an
advantageous pathway.
Finally we come to McKenzie Hall,
another amalgamation of strange ar
chitectural ideas. Much like you, the
building looks normal on the outside
but houses a twisted, mysterious interi
or full of illogical behavior and Freudian
complexes. Itisthe bizarre, babbling
sociopath of academic buildings.
There is also a really comfortable
couch on the fourth floor next to the
Oregon Survey Research Laboratory,
with some nice potted plants and a
good view of Franklin Boulevard. It is
an excellent place to fester in a pool of
your own irrational paranoia in peace
and comfort There is also a nice study
space on the third floor, lost to the ages
but not apparently to the wonders of
1970s interior design. Either would
make an excellent place to camp out,
where that dirty little skank Jennifer
Love Hewitt won't be able to bother you
with herdamn phone calls and her
gamma radiation. Be sure to bring
plenty of aluminum foil.
ryannyburg@dailyemerald.com