Commentary
Oregon Daily Emerald
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
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“Fellas, I’d like to suggest that we forget about pardoning the turkey this year.”
Bret Furtwangler | Graphic artist
■ In my opinion
Grinchy turns grateful for
Thanksgiving
As the people who know me are
aware, I am an arrogant, self-centered
pessimist who is often mistaken for a
ghoulish entity from “Teenage Mutant
Turtles II,” but one time during the
year I try to be a better person. Maybe
it’s hypocritical that this cold, black
coal of a heart can only be stirred by
compassion one weekend out of
many, but let’s face it — we’re all a lit
tle Grinchy inside. So, in honor of my
massacre-happy ancestors for whom
this glad holiday is celebrated, I’ll take
a step back and focus on the things
that have made life worth living.
I am thankful for my parents. Even
while trying to stuff Tofurkey down
my throat, they have been my safety
net whenever I tried to glide on life’s
trapeze, and I adore them for it.
1 am grateful for my rights as a
woman. Even under Ashcroft’s dark
est reign, a wardrobe malfunction
does not result in a stoning. It makes
my brain heavy when I think that had
I been born in a different time or
place, I could not write this column.
I am thankful for Jon Stewart. He
made my weeknights bearable.
I am grateful for the food on my
table. It may be of the half-frozen, half
burned kind, but hey, at least it’s there.
I am grateful for my faith. Under
neath my corrosive exterior is a trust
that things will work out for the best.
I believe that the world is fundamen
tally a place capable of changing for
the better, an eternal march of
progress that will not be halted by
bigotry or misguided hate.
I am thankful for the theater de
partment for bringing a little culture
to our lives ... and for the dollar-fifty
movie theater and Adam Sandler for
JENNIFER MCBRIDE
QUASHING DISSENT
taking it away again.
I am thankful for small kindness:
The anonymous person who helped
me carry my groceries home when
the bags broke, or the teachers who
forgave my papers when they came in
a few days late.
I am grateful for my health. I have
had a string of coughs, sore throats,
flu and God-only-knows-what-else
passing through my system, but not
cancer or AIDS or anything else fatal.
I can’t imagine looking at myself in
the mirror, acknowledging that the
face staring back at me will not be a
face for much longer. No, I am happi
ly insulated in my cocoon of false im
mortality.
I am grateful that I have all my
limbs. There are veterans that can’t say
that, and even thinking about it makes
me a bit of a coward. If Saint Peter rode
down from heaven on a pearly white
horse and told me I had to choose be
tween losing both my legs and my
country being overrun by hordes of
barbarians, I would hesitate.
I am glad my friends stand by me.
What I lack in quantity, I make up in
quality. They are better people than I
am and without them I would be a
rag in a gutter, chanting old pirate dit
ties. Speaking of that, I’m also grate
ful for the roof over my head. And my
space heater.
I am happy I have stuffed animals.
I admit it, I have 30, and they’re hid
ing in the back of my grown-up closet
where they remain on valiant guard
duty, protecting me from nightmares.
I am grateful for the Internet. All
this information at the touch of my
fingers, Tout all I want to do is play
Parcheesi.
I am thankful the Democrats chose
someone “electable.” Because, you
know, it was a strategy that worked so
well. I’m also thankful for front-loaded
primaries, because all those Iowans
and New Hampshirites saved me from
the trouble of thinking. I am also
thankful for sarcasm. Without it, some
days I think my head would explode.
I am grateful that I have control
over my own body. I shudder to think
of nations where marital rape is legal,
or where children are sold as sex
slaves by their parents. I am one of
the lucky ones.
I appreciate being 21. It makes
things easier. Uh, not that I’d do any
thing illegal or anything.
I am grateful for the University
dance department. It has turned me
from a pathetic klutz into a slightly
less pathetic klutz.
I am grateful for my tax cut. I look
forward to getting more of them.
I am thankful for my younger
brothers. There is nothing quite like
the joy of being flawed but loved at
the same time. And God knows, at
least they make life interesting.
I am thankful for spell checking. It
has sahved me menny times friom
making an asp off myself. Teh ennd.
jennifermcbride@dailyemerald.com
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■ Editorial
Oh for the
love of Pez,
put on some
'Seinfeld'
We know it’s been done to death. We know
it is shamefully lazy, corny and cliche. We also
know that this column is all that stands be
tween us and a four-day weekend. So we are
phoning it in today, folks. Here is an emotion
less list of the totally insignificant things we,
the members of the Emerald editorial board,
are thankful for:
We are thankful for the release of the first
three seasons of “Seinfeld” on DVD. The
string of terrible movies and unwatchable NFL
games doesn’t appear to be ending any time
soon; the “Seinfeld” DVDs, and their hours of
special features, will save us from having to
actually talk with our family this weekend.
We are thankful that we will be graduating
this year. We are already so far in debt that
even President Bush would be shocked. With
tuition skyrocketing out of control and the stu
dent senate discussing increasing incidental
fees next year, we feel sorry for freshmen,
sophomores and juniors. The job market still
scares the living shit out of us — no doubt we
will be making minimum wage writing obits
for a midwest daily by this time next year.
We are thankful for the ASUO. Its constant
bumbling has provided us with mountains of
content and hours of entertainment.
We are thankful that the Ducks beat the
Beavers and now we’re off to some bowl
game...oh, wait, nevermind.
We are thankful for SpongeBob
SquarePants and his movie. We are thankful
for living in a blue state. Red states might be a
good place to retire or start a militia, but blue
states are definitely the place to be if you are
young and ready to party.
We are thankful that the infamous grilled
cheese sandwich Virgin Mary only went for
$71 on E-bay. Early reports that the moldy
food item would go for thousands of dollars
sent us dangerously close to a homicidal psy
chotic episode. Now our faith in humanity has
been restor... wait... Ron Artest did what?
CORRECTION
The Emerald’s Nov. 23 article titled
“Student senators submit proposal for
punishment” contained no factual er
rors but had misattributed information.
• The headline should have read
“Student leaders submit proposal for
punishment” because the Senate was
not the only group involved.
• Strauss said he wasn’t sure how the
retreat attendees came up with their
punishment, ASUO Vice President
Mena Ravassipour never explicitly stat
ed that.
• Strauss said he didn’t know if other
fundraising possibilities outside of
cleaning Mac Court were discussed, and
Ravassipour said she couldn’t remem
ber if there were other fundraising possi
bilities. The article said Ravassipour did
n’t know about other possibilities.
• Ravassipour, not Strauss, said addi
tional office hours for retreat attendees
would provide more time for students to
voice their concerns.
• Strauss said there was no solid evi
dence that would identify the letter
writer, only hearsay and rumors. The ar
ticle stated Ravassipour said this.
The Emerald regrets the errors.