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Oregon Daily Emerald
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
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IF.N SUDICK
f.DITOR IN CHIEF
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NATASI1A CH1UNGERIAN
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■ in my opinion
The Voting Game
“Welcome!” proclaims the Host,
scattering sequins as he sweeps his
arm in an arc. “Welcome to The
Election!”
The audience cheers madly as the
smiling Host escorts a young voter on
stage. She is blonde and beautiful, ra
diating an aura of enchanting naivete.
“You all know how the game is
played,” the Host reminds the studio,
leading the voter to her stool. “Two
candidates sit in isolation booths,
completely cut off from reality. Miss
Voter will ask questions we wrote for
her. She will then choose her favorite
for a four-year-long date. Who will
win ... THE ELECTION???!!!”
More applause. The two candidates
settle inside twin cubicles.
“Candidate No. 1,” Miss Voter says,
clearing her throat. “If you were a bowl
of soup, what kind would you be?”
“Well, Miss Voter,” Candidate No. 1
purrs, “being a bowl of soup is hard
work, but I promise I will hold up the
honor and dignity of all things soup,
and together, we can make our soup
strong again. After September 11, I
know how important it is to be a strong
soup, a consistent soup — so I would
be tomato, because tomato is red and
patriotic, and while I don’t question the
patriotism of my opponent’s soup, I
know he would be chicken noodle.”
There are hoots of agreement from
the right side of the audience. Miss Voter
clears her throat again. “Candidate No.
2, what kind of soup would you be?”
“That question has many deep and
thoughtful nuances that must be elabo
rated upon,” Candidate No. 2 says,
reading the notes he scribbled furiously
during his opponent’s diatribe. “My op
ponent underestimates the strength of
chicken and of noodles, missing the
point of soup altogether. Though I
would be soup, I would look outside
the bowl. 1 would form a coalition with
the bread and the cheese. And though
my soup might taste gray and indis
tinct, you would say, That soup did not
win a war only to lose the peace. That
soup is the right soup at the right place
at the right time.’”
JENNIFER MCBRIDE
QUASHING DISSENT
“Er, OK.” Miss Voter swaps cue cards
as the left side of the theater cheers.
“Candidate No. 1, if we were on a date,
where would you take me?”
Candidate No. 1 scowls. “1 reckon
my opponent is wrong, Miss Voter.
He’s disrespectin’ the allies, the sacri
fices Tony Blair’s soup has made — ”
The toupee of the Host almost falls
off as he intervenes, “I’m sorry, Can
didate No. 1, but you must stick to the
question.”
“But... Poland!”
"If you can’t keep to the question
we’ll have no choice but —”
“Pola — er, what was the question
again?”
“Perfect date. ”
“Right.” Candidate No. 1 sits back
down. “Well, I’d like to take you to a
ranch. 1 would fiot mislead you, but if
we went down to the ranch and you
didn’t find what you were looking for, it
would be OK because the ranch would
be safer. Then we’d sit down for some
apple pie, maybe watch a baseball
game with the Cheneys (I’d offer you
pretzels but I can’t have any because
Dick-who-I-did-not-choose-for-his-hair
do says I can’t eat them anymore), and
we’d share champagne and tax cuts.
Then I’d take you back to bed and ride
you like I rode Rummy. Yee-haw!”
Candidate No. 2 snorts. “I would
not take you to that ranch, but I
would have brought others to the
ranch. And although I dislike the
ranch, I would not ignore the ranch. I
would have inspected the ranch and
fixed it with the screwdriver of diplo
macy instead of the hammer of war.”
“I don’t want to hear about your
opponent,” snaps Miss Voter. “I want
to know what you bring to the table.”
Candidate No. 2 looks mildly con
fused, as if trying to comprehend his ex
istence outside the other. “Oh, we could
throw a football around or something.
Or go hunting. Because I need to prove
my manliness in dumb photo-ops. ”
The swing side of the audience
seems unconvinced.
“One last question,” Miss Voter
says. “Candidate No. 2, if we went on
our date, and it turned out I was actu
ally a man, what would you do?”
Candidate No. 2 ponders a mo
ment. “I would respect you and your
way of life, but I’d drop you like a hot
potato. You’d still vote for me because
I’m not the alternative.”
Candidate No. 1 is incensed.
“Dirty politics!” he spits. “I’d insult
the other guy for bringing you into
the campaign!”
“Ooh,” says the audience.
“Aah,” says the Host. “Well, Miss
Voter, have you reached a decision?”
“Not really,” she replies. “Isn’t
there another option?”
“Yes!” a man shouts.
“No,” retorts the audience, and the
man leaves, covered with wet tomato.
“Well,” Miss Voter sighs, “if there
really is no other option ...”
“Wait! ” Suddenly, three men in black
sweep onto the soundstage, scattering
the audience as they grab Miss Voter.
“We, the lawyers of Poly & Ticksonson,
want to make sure you have your say. ”
“But I —”
“No,” the lawyers reply in unison.
“We have to protect you from your
self. We’ll tell you who you’ll go out
with in a week or so. ”
“But this was supposed to be my
choice!” Miss Voter squawks.
The lawyers gasp. “Are you criticiz
ing democracy?”
“I just want —”
The curtain descends as every
body continues shouting. The Host
smiles broadly as the theme music
plays him out. “Well,” he grins,
“that’s it for today’s show. See you
in another four years!”
jennifermcbride@dailyemerald.com
INBOX
Incidental fee misuse real
issue of Sunriver retreat
While I appreciate the Emerald’s re
portage of the ASUO Sunriver inci
dent, I do not agree with the focus of
Monday’s editorial (“ASUO’s bad be
havior is too much for us to swallow,”
ODE, Nov. 1). The editorial board’s
tirade fails to adequately address the
most relevant issue of this “scandal”:
ASUO’s use of incidental fees. While
discovering the identity of the “mys
tery authors” might make for sensa
tional press, it would surely deflect
criticism away from the ASUO body
as a whole, where the blame for this
incident should lie.
My disappointment with the ASUO
derives from the fact that its members
spent an excessive amount of our inci
dental fees on a finance retreat. Yet, let
us not forget that the ASUO has already
publicly apologized for its inappropriate
conduct, initiated a policy of
sobriety agreements on future retreats
and plans to return $3,200 to the Uni
versity through community service. The
vindictive language in Monday’s edito
rial proves that in lieu of these reforms,
the Emerald’s editorial board continues
to hunt for student faces to pin to this
incident. The editorial board should re
turn to writing about relevant issues
that concern the student populace.
Oliver Hagan
Eugene
ASUO Sunriver spin
strategy insulting, wrong
Let’s be serious for a second. Does
anybody not know what goes on at a
“typical” Sunriver retreat? Participa
tion isn't even required, and you can
hear about these retreats from friends
or random, picked-up conversations.
These retreats are synonymous with
drinking, smoking pot and hot tubs.
Anyone with foreknowledge of the
ASUO retreat should have questioned
its motivations and purposes. The
ASUO officials were seen packing up
their coolers and loading them into
their cars behind the EMU for the trip.
I am insulted at the stupidity that the
ASUO is assuming of the general stu
dent body, choosing to cover and spin
rather than accept responsibility. How
can applying your wages/stipends to
cover the cost of the trip really make a
difference when incidental fees pay
those stipends? I don't feel comfortable
with the weak, naive policy of self regu
lation in the matter.
1 have a real solution. As a student
who voted in the ASUO elections, I
am calling for the immediate resigna
tion of the members involved with the
retreat, including the president and
vice president. Doing the right thing is
hard, but you will certainly gain more
respect for it.
Samuel Lucas Crow
Springfield
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■ Editorial
U.S. shifts
to comfort
zone with
its choices
The Emerald was surprised and disappoint
ed at John Kerry’s poor showing in Tuesday’s
election. While the outcome still hinges on pro
visional ballots in Ohio, Kerry thoroughly lost
the popular vote by almost 4 million at one
point. It appears as if the terrorist attacks have
had a more profound and lasting effect on the
nation’s psyche than we first realized. George
W. Bush’s strong showing is a testament to the
fear still griping the American people. This elec
tion should go down as the “Election of Fear.”
After four years, President Bush has proven
himself to be a poor leader who could not control
government spending and a poor commander-in
chief who, even many supporters will concede,
tragically botched the war in Iraq. Bush’s approval
rating on Nov. 1 was below 50 percent. With these
massive failures, at another time in history, this
president wouldn’t stand a chance at re-election.
But we live in the post-Sept. 11 world, where
Americans are so desperate for the comfort of
Bush’s macho rhetoric about the war on terror
ism that they are willing to put up with his in
competence. Kerry’s perceived flip-flopping cre
ated an air of uncertainty about the candidate.
Swing voters feared Kerry’s internationalism,
which was further emphasized by Bush’s mis
leading negative campaigning. Fear of the un
known kept swing voters from seeking the new
direction that they ultimately desire.
In addition to a paralyzing fear of terrorism,
the country also appears to be shifting socially
conservative. For example, bans on same-sex
marriage, which were on the ballot in Oregon
and 10 other states, all passed, many over
whelmingly: In Kentucky and Georgia by 3-to-l
margins and in Mississippi by a 6-to-l margin.
With Bush destined to appoint at least one, but
probably more, justices to the Supreme Court, we
will most likely have all three branches on the
government controlled by Republicans, if he
wins. So much for the separation of powers. This
means that we are more than likely to see the end
of a woman’s right to choose and a further ero
sion in the separation of church and state. The
neoconservative agenda to project American
power in the world through military preemption
and nation-building will continue. And, ironical
ly, America will be less safe for it.
As we at the Emerald watched the election re
sults trickle in Tliesday it became clear just how
deeply and passionately divided we are as a na
tion. We are divided geographically and genera
tionally. We are divided by race, ethnicity, religion
and gender. Two fundamentally different groups
of Americans with two fundamentally different
world views are currently waging a fierce politi
cal war over the future of this country. And liber
als are slowly losing ground.
It is still too early to tell if there was widespread
voter fraud — or “hanky panky” as Wolf Blitzer
called it — in swing states like Florida and Ohio.
The Emerald still doesn’t trust the electronic vot
ing machines that counted about 30 percent of the
votes this year. But assuming everything was le
gal, the country was able to come together and
peacefully conduct the most important election of
our lifetime. We did so without bloodshed or mass
chaos. This alone is an accomplishment that the
majority of nations in the world can only dream
about. America went a long way toward repairing
the negative impression left after the 2000 elec
tion. That is good news indeed.
EDITORIAL BOARD
Jennifer Sudick
Editor in Chief
David Jagernauth
Editorial Editor
Steven R. Neuman
Managing Editor
Gabe Bradley
Freelance Editor