■ Book review
Poor plot makes this zany book fit for the litterbox
Even randomly placed absurdities won't save the
reader from the boredom supplied by author Willits
BY RYAN MURPHEY
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Malcolm Willits and his literary
abomination “Shakespeare’s Cat.”
Once in a while, a book comes
along that is so incredibly bad that
reading it can cause both intense
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physical pain and uncontrollable
vomiting. I wished that I was read
ing one of those by the end of this
book. It is written in the form of a
play, but after looking at the com
pletely impractical (and absurdly
lengthy) stage directions, it is safe to
assume that it’s more of a satire, with
out the wit.
The story begins in Eureka, Calif.,
where a fictional woman named
Amelia Carson was said to have built
what is known as the Gingerbread
Mansion. (The building actually exists
but was built by a Norwegian immi
grant, Doctor Hogan Ring, and in Fern
dale, Calif., not Eureka.) Carson, a
wealthy widow, dies and leaves all her
earthly possessions to her many cats,
some of who are apparently enlisted in
a military force that pressed northward
to vanquish Oregonians. Captain
Lacroix, the leader of the feline army,
recounts his victories against the
“Grant’s Pass cavemen,” “Medford
malcontents,” “predatory Coos Bay pi
rates,” and other Oregonians, in an at
tempt to woo Carson’s pampered fe
line, Colette. The University even gets
a mention when the Captain brags of
crossing the Rouge River “to rid the
land of heresies emanating from Eu
gene’s seditious University. ”
Shortly afterward, a mob of hu
mans, apparently angered by the fact
that Carson’s wealth was left to the
Courtesy
Malcom Willits'new book is a pitiful attempt
at satire.
cats, ransacks the mansion. The mili
tary cats meet the advance and Cap
tain Lacroix dies, not to be mentioned
again until a very random ghost-wed
ding occurs with no relevance to any
thing else in the book. Colette then
meets up with a cavorting tomcat,
imaginatively named “Tomcat,” who
informs her that Shakespeare’s plays
were written by his cat, who lived on
in obscurity after his master died.
The kidnapped cats are rescued
from an underground lighthouse
guarded by Japanese military
cats who think that World War II
is still happening, only to be kid
napped again almost immediately.
Colette and her companions decide
that in order to save their compan
ions, they must have Carson’s last
will and testament annulled by the
governor of California, who is going
to leave for the moon at any minute.
For some unexplained reason, the
cats have to travel through time to
England and receive an unknown
play from Shakespeare’s cat in order
to fool the governor into signing the
annulment. While traveling through
the dimensional portal, they stop to
have a picnic and Colette is con
fronted by “The Dark One,” who,
like most of the other characters in
this pile of literary dung, has no
context or relevance whatsoever. Af
ter his brief appearance, he is never
mentioned again.
If you think this plot summary does
n’t make sense, you should read the
book. Obnoxiously random and ex
tremely boring, “Shakespeare’s Cat”
reminded me of a high-school-aged
hippie trying to fake an acid trip. The
only people who are unquestionably
on drugs are the publishers who decid
ed to sink money into this garbage.
ryanmurphey@ daily emerald, com
IN BRIEF
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