2004's dull election
could be improved
a la California race
With the presidential election looming, it's
safe to assume that we will have someone run
ning our country into the ground again.
Whether it's George W. Bush or some other
smirking fool remains to be seen.
Bush doesn't seem too fazed by all the bash
ing and cursing of the American people or the
Democratic Party. He is either gearing up for his
trip to Mars or too busy planning an overhaul
of the election process again.
After all, someone has to start sorting out
which multi-national corporation is going to
back a third party that will split the Democratic
vote. But given the current state of the Democ
ratic candidates, that third-party plan might not
even need to take shape.
Carl Sunderberg
Reasoning with madness
With the Democratic candidates looking less
like presidential hopefuls and more like angry
monkeys throwing feces at each other, it's really
not a stretch to say that King George will reign
for another four years. If the Democrats were
smart—and it's slowly starting to show that they
are not—they would do the right thing: use the
lesson learned in the farce and infotainment ex
travaganza that was last year's California recall
and bring in celebrity politicians, or more accu
rately, "celebiticians."
Sure, it might have sounded strange just last
year to think this, but if you think back, celebri
ties have filled political positions many times in
our recent past. Sonny Bono, Jesse "the Body"
Ventura and Ronald Reagan were all in the lime
light before they ever saw their name gleaming
on a ballot. And really, if Arnold Schwarzeneg
ger can be a governor, this whole political thing
can't be that difficult.
Setting up a proper environment, one that
will enable the celebitician to thrive, is the only
thing that needs to be done. There are rules to
this process, after all.
First, the political hopeful can't be a pom star,
a midget or a watermelon-smashing comedian.
This was the hidden lesson learned from the
California election.
Second, the celebrity must be famous today,
not someone the world has forgotten. For in
stance, Burt Reynolds, Tony Danza or anyone
from the cast of "Saved by the Bell" won't work.
You need someone who is either in a current
blockbuster summer action movie or frequents
grocery store magazine covers. For example, Ben
Affleck might work because every man, woman
and child in America knows who he is. But he's
not right for public office. He's got far too much
to worry about with keeping I.Lo out of bad
movies (so far he's 0 for 2).
Third, the celebitician must have the suave
persona that Americans cherish; someone that
can lie to us with authority and vigor.
And finally, if nothing else was learned from
the California recall, one lesson remains: poli
tics are a joke. Anyone who says otherwise is
most likely a politician.
With these rules in mind, and with great con
sideration, the only person that seems to clearly
stand out for the position of Democratic presi
dential hopeful is none other than Jon Stewart,
host of 'The Daily Show." He fits all the criteria
of celebitician: He is in our short-sighted collec
tive unconscious, he's been on magazine covers
and he's not a porn star. The man's wit knows
no end, which tames the final criteria of being a
politician: being able to make us laugh.
Surely, the argument is beginning to form in
your head. You may be asking yourself, "What
other credentials does this man have?" The an
swer is simple: none. He has no presidential cre
dentials. But did Schwarzenegger? No. All he
needed was to spout off lines from his movies,
and he won with a landslide.
If Jon Stewart told a few jokes each time he
stood behind a podium, that would be all he
would need. Make a few empty promises and fin
ish with a punch line. In a debate, Stewart would
knock Bush around like a shoe in a dryer. The
crowd would roar and rush to the ballot booths.
George W. Bush wouldn't stand a chance.
After Stewart is elected, his Cabinet might
consist of such names as Bill Maher starring as
vice president, Martin Sheen as secretary of
state, Robert DeNiro as attorney general, Nicole
Kidman as secretary of education and The Rock
as secretary of defense.
This is not to say that the new Democratic rule
would be a success in terms of the economy, med
ical benefits or education, but this country has
seen worse. At least with an all-star cast running
the country, politics might be interesting enough
for the average American to wake up and care
Contact the Pulse columnist
at carisundberg@dailyernerald.com.
His opinions do not necessarily
represent those of the Emerald.
Eisley's ‘marvelous' EP
is anything but; Yeltsin
captures indie mood
Yeltsin proves it has the skills
to be an indie rock powerhouse
with its self-titled EP and will play
in Eugene on Saturday night
The EP, as a form, has never really been de
veloped. Stuck between the quick, easily
packaged single and the extended concept of
a full album, the EP has usually been used as
a promotional tool for unknown acts who
don't have that many original songs but need
something to show to record labels.
There have been some notable exceptions,
such as Black Flag's "Nervous Breakdown" EP,
which created hard-core punk in just over five
minutes. Mission of 3urma's "Signals, Calls and
By Ryan Nyburg
Senior Pulse Reporter
1%t V1 fc. WW ice in Chains' "Jar of
Marches" was an im
portant part of that
short-lived band's
discography and Al
Flies" proved that EPs
could sell.
Courtesy
But bands generally release EPs out of neces
sity rather than out of the desire to create some
kind of serious musical statement. Ihe second
EP by Eisley, entitled "Marvelous Things," is an
exercise in necessity. Without the personality or
talent to drum up any interest during the record
ing's 15 minutes, the band probably needs all
the promotional material it can get.
In fart, the only thing this recording has go
ing for it is its brevity. Throughout the course
of four songs, Eisley aims for a kind of light
mysticism, punctuated by vocal harmonies and
atmospheric arrangements. However, their at
tempts at transcendence end up making them
entirely forgettable, and their uninspired
melodies and bland instrumentation aren't
much help either.
Eisley is such an unimportant, uninterest
ing group that I almost feel bad knocking
them. Almost, but not quite. Their music
sounds like the soundtrack for a show on The
WB, and it will be a sad day for our already
weary and bruised culture if they ever make it
to the big time and gamer some radio play.
A band that does inspire me with some con
fidence in our musical future is Yeltsin. With
their self-titled EP, they are able to do every
thing that Eisley fails to accomplish: capture
the mood of a particular style and play it as
well as possible. In this case the style is inde
pendent rock, which is about as indefinable a
label as is imaginable. But if it can be said that
modem indie rock has a sound, then this is it.
This is music that feels almost custom-made
for college radio. I'm not sure if that sounds good
or bad, but I mean it in the best possible way.
There are musical reference points scattered
throughout — a little Jesus and Mary Chain here,
a bit of Pixies there — making the songs sound
like someone else, just not anyone in particular.
The 17 short minutes of music on this EP
feels like a polished, pristine version of every
Courtesy
good demo I've heard this past year. It's like a
distillation of all that is worthwhile in mod
em musical trends. If I sound like I'm fawning,
it's because really good music is rare and hear
ing it from a band based in Eugene is always
reason for celebration.
So while the EP may never come around as a
true artistic style, it will always be an excellent
bearer of the short sweet bliss of great pop music
Yeltsin plays Saturday at Lucke/s Cigar Club, lo
cated at 933 Olive St. Contact tire dub at 687
4643 for showtime and ticket info.
Contact the senior Pulse reporter
at ryannyburg@dailyemerald.com.
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