Newsroom: (541) 346-5511
Suite 300, Erb Memorial Union
P.O. Box 3159, Eugene, OR 97403
E-mail: editor@dailyemerald.com
Online: www.dailyemerald.com
Friday, November 21,2003
-Oregon Daily Emerald
COMMENTARY
Editor in Chief:
Brad Schmidt
Managing Editor:
Ian Tobias Montiy
Editorial Editor:
Travis Willse
Burritos and feces: Life at Oregon State
Well, well. It's Civil War time again.
That magical part of the year when athletes af
filiated with this University (through allegiance,
or more likely, chance) will square off against
athletes likewise affiliated with that vastly inferior
school some 37 miles to the north.
Vastly inferior, you say? 1 low do you mean?
For one, the Beavers are not nearly as busy as
their namesakes: While academics here were
hard at work, trying to outdo last year's figure of
Travis Willse
Rivalless wit
$78 million in research grants to the University
of Oregon, 766 people found the time Sunday to
converge in front of OSU's Memorial Union and
— in an act of unbridled intellectual achieve
ment — stage the largest pillow fight in history.
The Beavers' time management skills aside,
maybe measuring academic success in dollars is
unfair. In recent years, after all, funding for neurol
ogy has largely been more lucrative than that for
studying say, llama-breeding or lentil-growing.
Fine, OSU is a cow college. So what, you say?
Who cares if it's geared less toward petty educa
tional details like "reason" or "literacy," and more
toward preparing each of its fine attendees for a
proud life straight out of a Faulkner novel, tres
passing on his neighbor's Corvallis-area farm
land and sleeping underneath rusting farm
equipment like an imbedlic man-child?
Certainly not students at this fine institution,
who opted instead to attend a real school, which
boasts not only finer programs but indoor heat
and running water. (And I like burritos as much
as the next time-strapped student, but 1 don't like
them enough to name a stadium after a compa
ny that sells frozen ones.)
Even our city is a better place to live. While Eu
gene offers plenty of concert halls, art museums
and the Huh Center, Corvallis' cultural experi
ence reaches heights no greater than the meat
fisted boxing matches at the Peacock, thirsty
Thursdays and maybe the Memorial Union's
Panda Express.
Not that Eugene is an ideal, peaceful munici
pality; after all, this town's fine residents have
started a few riots in the last several years. But be
fore you denounce Eugeneans for being pyroma
niacal primitives for burning golf carts, remem
ber that Eugene at least has motorized vehicles.
Well, certainly I can say something good about
the Beavers? After all, their mud-munching mas
cot — the second-largest rodent in the world — is
one of nature's finest engineers, and makes for
some of its most prolific roadkills. Even better,
when these mouth-breathing vermin do snack,
lunch is all too often their own nutrient-rich feces.
Ducks, by contrast, are the majestic eagles of
the deciduous wetlands biome, monarchs
among the lesser woodland creatures (in
cluding the very lesser bushy-tailed, biologi
cally botched, buck-toothed, boneheaded
beavers). Certainly, the athletes affiliated
with a school that uses these amazing avians
as a mascot will defeat their inferiors in the
battle of the talented and the troglodytic.
But, for the intellectually meager Beavers
reading this who are confused by polysyllabic
punnery, I'll translate: If you're going to drop
money on tomorrow's game, don't leave it to
Beaver. Fowl play will win out.
Contact the editorial editor
attraviswillse@dailyemerald.com. His opinions
completely represent those of the Emerald.
stffimy
rHES PA, WE GflNNA
GO WATCH THAT THAR
.fUlt uMfi fejAMfc . ^
AM, RECKON
ONCE WE*
CHORES WOE
sr "n«r^ ">»>
♦trrf^XA,
' • -crnrrfbim ^
<=r—
^ TTTfW^«
*fnr
'tTrfw*-!Sv,
^rnrrfiDrm
Steve Baggs Illustrator
LETTER TO THE EDITOR
'Rubaiyat’ no longer reflects Islam
A recent editorial ("Knowledge is best hope
for lessening cultural gaps," ODE, Nov. 5) is right
on in saying that our understanding of Mideast
cultures, and their understanding of ours, would
help promote peace. I totally agree with the edi
tor's theme
But the writer used my favorite poem as an ex
ample of reading we might do to learn about
Muslim culture. The "Rubaiyat" of Omar
Khayyam was of great comfort to me when I was
17 and thought I was the only one in the world
who concluded that man created God in his own
image, rather than vice versa. I quote verse 63:
"Oh threats of Hell and Hopes of Paradise! /
One thing at least is certain — This life flies; /
One thing is certain and the rest is Lies; / The
Flower that once has blown for ever dies."
In parts of the Islamic world today, Khayyam
would be executed for blasphemy. While this is a
beautiful and thought-provoking poem, it
would give little insight into the very religious
culture we seek to understand.
Vic Favier
Eugene
How much do I hate Eugene? Let me count the ways...
If Lewis and Clark knew when they were
blazing the Oregon Trail that a city the likes
of Eugene would eventually come into exis
tence, they probably would have stopped in
Tulsa. I hate to say it, but Eugene makes
Salem look like the freakin' Garden of Eden.
Fitting that it is a town of ducks; I mean, I
sure as hell couldn't stay there for more than
Brian
Gjurgevich
a tew months at a time
without wanting to
head north, south or
anywhere not called Eu
gene. I feel the need to
migrate even before 1
notice the transient
with the lazy eye and
four teeth staring at me,
cackling and talking to
his acid-flashback-in
duced imaginary friend.
Not that Eugene
doesn't have its posi
tives — after all, it did
get mentioned in a Sub
lime song! So there you go ... way to riot!
But seriously folks, I have nothing against
Oregon's third-largest city. It's a fine place to
go and win a football game. In fact, I'd say
that for opposing football teams and fans
alike, Eugene is a great place to score — be it
on the multi-colored turf, with a hippie chick
whom you told you were Jerry Garcia's
nephew, or from a seventh-year burnout ped
dling meth out of his foster mom's Acura.
Sorry, but no matter how much blood
money Phil Knight pumps into the town,
he'll never be able to purchase class. Though
he did purchase one fancy-schmancy stadi
um. The plasma screens in the locker rooms
are a nice touch, 'cause after all, you wouldn't
want to miss your cousin's appearance on
"COPS" because you had football practice.
Then again, Corvallis might have a few
more bucks for our stadium expansion if the
Reser family had impoverished Malaysian
toddlers making $150 burritos for six cents
a day. And even with all that immorally
earned income, they still haven't installed a
mirror big enough to truly capture the im
maculate conception of facial hair that is
Mike Bellotti's mustache. That thing puts
Ron Jeremy to shame.
I don't know if I'm watching a football
game or "Magnum PI." half the time.
It is then I realize I am incurring retinal
damage from the hideous upchuck of a uni
form that seems to be coming out of my
screen like the dead chick from "The Ring."
What color were you going for there? Base
of-a-frat-house-toilet yellow? Or just vomit?
You know your uniforms are bad when the
crew at Hot Dog on a Stick is pointing at
you laughing.
But I don't want to focus on the jerseys too
much — for fear of blindness, of course.
There are more pressing issues to discuss.
Like how everyone thinks Corvallis is
nothing but a cow town that's full of cow pies
and smells of cow dung. So, we may have a
few more dirty, smelly animals running
around the general vicinity than Eugene
does. But at least they don't ask me for spare
change or if I have a spare cigarette.
All I want to do when I venture south is to
get into one of Eugene's many fine watering
holes to check out some scenery I'm not used
to — not see firsthand what happened to all
the Deadheads after Jerry died.
Folks, 1 don't mean to rag on Eugene too
much. I always enjoy going down there — it's
just that I enjoy leaving even more.
Seriously though, the Civil War is all in
good fun. It's a time when we all can appreci
ate what each town has to offer.
Be it hippies, rednecks, cows or cannabis
— we all share in the experience of living in
either the poor man's Seattle or the smart
man's Albany. At least in the spirit of Thanks
giving, we should be coming together, bring
ing our finest gifts to the table — like how
the Indians brought fish and the pilgrims
brought smallpox. After all, Eugene's fine
horticultural products and a big glass of Cor
vallis chocolate milk should be sampled and
celebrated together, shouldn't they?
So, in that spirit, I make one simple re
quest to you Duck fans this weekend:
Don't get too bent when you see a Beaver
on the street this weekend celebrating an
Oregon State University victory with a PBR
tall-boy raised oh-so-gloriously above his
hunting cap.
Instead of getting pissed and starting a
riot, go ahead and accept the fact that Cor
vallis, OSU and the Beavers have solidified
their place on the food chain — standing on
top of a pile of feathers that once resembled
a duck.
Contact The Daily Barometer’s campus editor
at baro.campus@studentmedia.orst.edu.
Lessons from a veteran
Your editorial article titled, "Veterans' Day
should honor young soldiers" (ODE, Nov.
11) missed a couple of basic points. The first
is, "For soldiers involved in ... reconstruction
of Iraq, a bad day means dodging bullets." As
a veteran, I know
what a bad day for a
soldier consists of,
and it surely isn't
dodging bullets. A
bad day is failing to
dodge a bullet. A day of successful dodging is
a good day. A great day is sitting in rainy Eu
gene writing this correction. By the way, a re
ally bad day is administering first aid to a
friend and colleague who's having a bad day.
I understand this seems counterintuitive to
many. If you desire an explanation, I suggest
you try a novel journalistic approach and ac
tually interview a veteran before placing a
pen to paper.
The second is, "... hailed from Orange
burg, a South Carolina town of about 13,000
— became the third graduate of the town's
only high school to die ... in Iraq since Au
gust," and the next sentence, "At Orangeburg
Wilkinson High, 85 percent of the students
qualify for discounted or free lunches, mak
ing the military a more realistic immediate
option for many students than a four-year
college program." Your inference seems clear.
Poor people go into the military because they
can't go to college. While this is certainly true
in some cases, this is the exception and not
the rule. Most young people join the military
for altruistic reasons, love of country and a
sense of patriotic duty to name a couple.
Again, I understand that some of your read
ers and perhaps your editorial staff cannot or
will not understand. Again I offer my previ
ous advice.
At a minimum, your column should have
focused on the accomplishments and sacri
fices of our young veterans as its title suggest
ed. I would also liked to have seen something
about how much each of us benefits from
those sacrifices regardless of our political
leanings. Instead, your column was full of
backhanded compliments. As a veteran,
thanks for nothing.
Retired Army SgL 1st Class Kevin Bons is a law
student