Get this man a padded room, with a CBS-enabled TV
Case No.: 64064.
Admit date: March 21,2003.
Release date: No earlier than
April 8, 2003.
Overseeing physician: Dr. Nantz.
Diagnosis: Mr. Hockaday appears
to be suffering from an acute case of
dementia marchus, more common
ly referred to as “March Madness.”
Symptoms include frequent heart at
tacks, nightmares of large machines
with 64 metal prongs and hoarse
ness of voice from frequent yelling.
This case, as with many others of
its kind, can be traced back to the
abuse the patient has suffered for
many years. It seems that the pa
tient has been following college bas
ketball since he could say “Gonza
ga,” and even passes himself off as an
“expert” scribe for much of the year.
However — and this came out only
after hours of interviews and much
soul-searching — he has never won
an office pool. Shoot, he’s never even
come close! Sorry, I just think it’s
funny. He knows everything about
the matchups; he knows who’s got
the senior lead
ership, who’s
hot going into
the tourna
ment, who’s got
a coach that
can take you
far. Hell, he
even knows
which teams
have the best
waterboys! But
he loses these
pools every
year. Every
year! Oh, that’s
a stitch.
Anyway, back to the subject at
hand. The patient’s abuse is consis
tently worsened by the type of peo
Peter
Hockaday
Two minutes for
crosschecking
pie who actually win the pools every
year. You know the type. Usually a
pool-member’s girlfriend. Picks
Creighton and Dayton to meet in the
final because it just has a wonderful
cadence. Liked Maryland last year
because a Terrapin is a turtle and
turtles are just so cute and I had a
turtle once and it was the best pet I
ever had and so Maryland will beat,
oh, I don’t know, Indiana in the final.
I like Indiana because they don’t
have names on their uniforms and
that’s just such an endearing thing
in this world where athletes are just
so mean to each other.
The patient finds that his condi
tion is worsened further when the
tournament actually starts. Seeing
his bracket crumble like the Roman
Empire in front of him, the patient is
also torn when the games provide
more heart-pounding moments than
“The Ring.” For example, last year
the patient picked a veteran-laden
USG team to make it to the Elite
Eight. A fair enough assumption,
considering SC had Sam Clancy,
who was as automatic as a Ford Ex
plorer, and an easy draw. But no,
here comes lowly UNC-Wilmington.
Here comes overtime as the West
Coast crowd goes bonkers. Here
comes the pounding heart, and the
patient actually finds himself secret
ly rooting for UNC-Wilmington. This
will kill his bracket.
These contradictions have driven
the patient to near madness. He’s
tried everything. He tried flip-flop
ping every pick. He tried all No. 2
seeds in the Final Four. He tried let
ting ESPN’s pundits fill out his brack
et. But none of it’s worked.
Of course, the patient loves the
pain. Don’t they all? He longs to
hear CBS’ theme song, pines for
“one shining moment.” The dark
est days of his life come in Febru
ary, and not just because he’s girl
less. They are the days of famine in
between football and madness. He
wakes up in the middle of the night
screaming “Austin Peay! Austin
Peay!” People stare as he mumbles
in class about RPI and bubble
teams and bracketology.
There is, it seems, little hope to
stop him from spiraling out of con
trol. However...
Recommended treatment: We ad
vise the patient spend as much of
the next three weeks as possible
watching CBS, drinking steins of
Budweiser and eating bags of chips.
That is, of course, the only known
cure for March Madness.
Contact the sports editor
atpeterhockaday@dailyemerald.com.
His views do not necessarily represent
those of the Emerald.
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Adam Amato Emerald
Oregon senior forward Robert Johnson and the Ducks face Utah in the first round.
Midwest
continued from page 2B
IUPUI beat Valporaiso, which had
won seven of the last eight MCC ti
tles, 66-64 Wednesday. That was af
ter Valpo beat IUPUI twice during
the regular season.
No. 9 Utah
This is the team Oregon fans will
be most interested in, mostly be
cause the Utes are the Ducks’ first
round opponent.
Utah (24-7, 11-3 Mountain West
Conference) is a bit of an enigma.
The Utes reeled off a 10-game win
streak from mid-January to mid
February, but went 3-3 in their fi
nal six games, including a loss to
UNLV in the MWC Tournament
semifinals Saturday.
That 64-41 loss was Utah’s
worst pounding of the season. It
was so bad, in fact, that Utah
coach Rick Majerus didn’t care to
see the end of it. With 15 seconds
left, the fiery Majerus walked to
the UNLV bench, shook Rebel
coach Charlie Spoonhour’s hand
and exited the tunnel before the
final buzzer sounded.
But Utah’s season hasn’t been all
ugly blowouts. The Utes moved on
the bubble after their loss to UNLV
but made it into the NCAA Tourna
ment on the strength of wins over
Alabama and Arizona State, and two
wins over Brigham Young.
The rest
of the Midwest
The Midwest bracket isn’t as
stacked as the West or other regions,
but there are still potential traps
waiting for anybody coming out of
the Nashville sub-regional.
Pittsburgh is the No. 2 seed in
the Midwest, and the Panthers are
one of the hottest teams in the na
tion heading into March Madness.
Led by point guard Brandin
Knight, Pittsburgh is riding a nine
game winning streak into the
tournament.
Marquette is the No. 3 seed, and
despite being shocked by Alabama
Birmingham in the quarterfinals of
the Conference-USA Tournament,
the Golden Eagles are also hot. Mar
quette was 15-1 in its last 16 games
before the loss to UAB.
Of course it’s hard to predict who
will be hot when the tournament fi
nally rolls around. As Elvis would
say, the NCAA Tournament is a
heartbreak hotel for many teams.
Contact the sports editor
atpeterhockaday@dailyemerald.com.