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Friday, November, 22,2002
-Oregon Daily Emerald
Commentary
Editor in Chief:
Michael J. Kleckner
Managing Editor
Jessica Richelderfer
Editorial Editors:
Salena De La Cruz, Pat Payne
110 beats OSU, 569 (words)- 471 (words)
Ten things I hate about OSU
Well, it’s Civil War time again. Usually, this is
the time for the Ducks (henceforth known as
“the winners”) and the Beavers (henceforth
known as “roadkill”) to trade vulgar barbs at
one another in the spirit of heated rivalry.
That’s not going to happen this year. Nope. I
am going to write a civilized and erudite article
to refute the base slander that all University of
Oregon students are troglodytic Neanderthals
lacking in opposable thumbs. I will prove, cate
gorically, that we have self-control and can take
a higher plane of commentary.
To that end, I am now refraining from mud
slinging and backbiting.
Therefore, I’m swearing off any reminders
that Oregon State University is a cow college,
that you go there if you want to learn how to
shear sheep and clean up emu vomit, and
that you go to the University of Oregon if you
want to study a subject that actually involves
being able to read, write and comprehend
the English language. But I won’t. That would
be undignified.
I could, were I to fall into the vicious pattern of
past years, point out that ducks, at least, make
a sound. They go “quack.” Of course, I could
mention that the beavers also, in fact, make a
sound. That sound is their ill-mannered chew
ing with their mouths open, creating sort of a
smacking noise. If I were to carry on this batde,
I’d ask: Is that why people consider the Ducks to
be that “mature older brother,” given that we
know how to chew with our mouths closed?
But no, we aren’t going to do things like that.
Nope. I would never dream of bringing up last
year’s column, where Chevy — oops, Carole —
Chase accused us of being so “clouded by bong
resin” that we couldn’t think straight. Well, Car
ole, if I were playing that game, I’d point out
that whether or not we are pot-smoking hippies,
at least we have indoor plumbing. I’d also ask if
chewing tobacco, butt-hugging Wranglers and a
fondness for NASCAR are all prerequisites for
enrollment at OSU. But that would be a low
blow. So
we aren’t
going to
be doing
that.
No. Of
course
not.
I
would
Pat
Payne
never The return of
take is- Captain Sensible
sue with
Eugene is really cool
Sanjai
Tripathi
Oregon State
Daily Barometer
I
went to
the
Univer
sity of
Oregon
m y
fresh
m a n
year. I
lived in
room
405 of
cnase s assertion that beavers are reared by
the legitimate farm community.” Nein. I would
never dream of saying that anyone who fears a
fuzzy little vegetarian rodent can’t be seen as
all that “legitimate.”
But no. I’m taking the high road. Never mind
that “beaver fever” is what you get from drink
ing contaminated water — that it causes diar
rhea, cramps, bloating and vomiting — and
that it’s distinctly NOT called “duck ague.”
Never mind that one could make many sug
gestive jokes from the word “beaver.” What, re
ally, can you do with “duck” other than make
feeble attempts to rhyme it with that other
“uck” word?
But what would be the point of bringing all
that up? It would be uncivilized.
Do you see how we can have a friendly rival
ry without resorting to childish namecalling?
And so, as I end this epistle — and, were we
throwing barbs, offer to translate that word into
monosyllabic grunts for those attending the
cow college up there — I might, were I less
than dignified, say that the Beavers are going
to smell something “fowl” on Saturday — de
feat — but we don’t need to be crass.
Contact the editorial editor
at patpayne@dailyemerald.com. Editorial editor
Salena De La Cruz also contributed to this award
winner. Their views do not necessarily represent
those of the Emerald.
Watson Hall. The dorm was supposed to be
an “outdoor pursuits” hall, although we nev
er did anything outside. We played indoor
paintball once. We did often smoke weed.
Eugene has a lot of high-quality weed. I can
honestly say I’ve never seen so much home
grown in my life.
Also, we drank a bunch of beer. Not just
any beer though, because Eugene is way
too cool to drink normal beer. We drank
the thickest, darkest and most expensive
beer we could find. The best beer was $8
a six-pack, black as coffee and came out
of the bottle like ketchup.
Then there’s riots. I was there, way back
in the day, for the first Halloween riot in
1996. But I didn’t actually take part. I was
n’t nearly cool enough. Of course, the best
part of college isn’t the partying.
We are all students to learn how to be
productive and educated citizens. To
show our citizenship at the University,
we would engage in student activism. I
noticed there are many wealthy students
at the University, but fortunately they are
all aware enough to still be concerned
with the other peoples of the world.
When they aren’t driving SUVs, they are
totally recycling all their beer cans or giv
ing 43 cents to the homeless people on
13th Avenue.
There were frequent little student
protests. When Nike was employing chil
dren to make shoes for 12 cents a day,
the University students came together to
say it was wrong, except when Phil
Knight was buying them a library or a
stadium expansion.
Then we would yell at Bible Jim. He was
an attention-seeking guy who was trying
to sell a book. He would stand in front of
the EMU and talk about how everyone is
going to hell. Bible Jim would tour col
leges looking for an audience. I assume he
doesn’t come to OSU because people here
would ignore him and move on. But in
Eugene, a crowd of 200 would gather and
shout back and forth with him. He gave a
book to one Duck student with whom he
had a vigorous discussion. The student
tore the book up and shouted out to a
cheering crowd. I was hoping he would set
it on fire. A good book burning would
have completed the irony.
In my experience in both towns, the
most prominent thing I noticed is how
similar they are. The classes, house par
ties, bars, buildings and the people them
selves are very much alike. The only dif
ference is people in Eugene have some
crazy sense of entitlement and self-right
eousness, even though they are just a
bunch of pompous, overrated posers. Just
like their football team.
Prediction for Saturday: 27-16 Beavers win.
Sanjai Tripathi is a columnist for
the Oregon State Daily Barometer.
His views do not necessarily represent
those of the Barometer or the Emerald.
LtUCI O IU U 1C CU I LUI
‘Idiot fans’
need to shut up
While holding on to last minute hopes that the Ducks would
come back from a deficit to beat the Huskies on Nov. 16,1
found the idea of returning home increasingly attractive. Not
because we were losing. Not because I was drenched from the
rain. Not even because I was hungry, but because of the idiot
fans within hearing distance. The last thing my friends and I
wanted to hear was Husky fans being cursed at, UW football
players being referred to as the female genitalia, and other in
appropriate and disgusting comments by University students.
I asked myself whether University students, supposedly
our future leaders, could really be this uncivilized. I’m all
about cheering on our team and even the occasional good
natured boo, but the idiot fans I’m referring to crossed the
line during Saturday’s game.
A quick lesson to idiot fans (you know who you are): 1)
Shut your mouth 2) Ask your mama to clean your mouth
out with soap 3) Get yourself some duck tape to cover your
mouth with 4) Idiot fan: If all else fails ... leave Autzen.
We don’t want you.
Kevin J. Kim
senior
economics and political science
Money drives
administration
Since, according to Friday’s article, students will likely
have the opportunity to name that ridiculous new mascot, I
have a few suggestions. How about “Sellout McQuacks-a
lot,” or maybe “Greedy McStupid.” Give me a break. Is
nothing sacred? This University seems to be losing its insti
tutional character and sense of humor as dollar signs begin
to ring up in the eyes of administrators.
Joel Wilts-Morrison
senior
y.y, tehvfrojijtienta! Spence
TOHNMY, EAT Your BROCCOLI, or WE'LL 6cmp you off to
MEVERLA^P RArvfcH .
Pfeter Utsey Emerald