RUNGE TO WHIP CROQUET TEAM INTO SHAPE
■ Former women’s basketball head
coach Jody Runge has been hired
as a croquet team coach despite
recent conflicts with the University
By Sugar Stevens
Oregon Daily Emerald
The University’s Athletic Department an
nounced today the formation of a new
women’s croquet team to be led by former
women’s basketball head coach Jody Runge.
The Athletic Department was able to add
the sport after the success of former Oregon
football demigod Joey Harrington (and those
other guys who were not Joey on the Oregon
football team) drew in unprecedented
amounts of donations from very rich alumni.
The department released details of Runge’s
three-year, $350 million contract at a hastily
scheduled press conference Friday.
“We think Ms. Runge will be just the per
son to help us make this program successful,
and ultimately, we expect women’s croquet to
be the sports program that allows the Athletic
Department to stop having to suck money
away from University academics,” said Ath
letic Department Director Fabio Montegue.
Montegue said the department had been
conducting a nationwide search for the new
croquet coach for months and finally settled
on Runge.
“Our thoughts naturally turned to her be
cause I know her croquet background is very
proactive. She was a state qualifier during her
junior high school days,” Montegue said.
“She was a natural choice because of her in
herent leadership abilities — as proven by the
contentment of last year’s basketball team.”
Runge coached the women’s basketball
team for 11 years and led the team in the most
wins in University history. She “resigned” af
ter former players complained about her
heavy-handed disciplinary tactics and very
loud yelling.
Putting the past behind her, Runge has al
ready secured several verbal commitments
from possible coaching recruits to staff her
team. Former Oregon softball coach Rick
Gamez, former Notre Dame head football
coaches George O’Leary and Bob Davie, and
former children’s television icon Mr. Rogers
have all given Oregon verbal commitments.
However, Mr. Rogers has reportedly given
a verbal commitment to the University of
Washington’s croquet team as well.
“I HOPE MR. ROGERS DOES NOT DECIDE
TO GO WITH THE HUSKIES,” Runge yelled
at the conference. “I NEED HIM TO HELP
TEMPER OUR OFFENSIVE LINE AND GET
THE GIRLS PUMPED UP! CROQUET KICKS
BASKETBALL’S ASS!”
The invitation back to the University
surprised many former players and fans,
most of whom had written Runge off after
her resignation.
“I’M REALLY GLAD TO BE BACK
BECAUSE I JUST LOVE THE
ELEGANT SPORT OF CROQUET
AND BECAUSE THIS TEAM...
NEEDS... DISCIPLINE!!!”
Jody Runge
Women’s croquet head coach
“I can’t imagine her as the women’s cro
quet coach,” former Oregon basketball star
Prima Donne said in a written statement.
“Is that even a sport? She’ll just freak
everybody out with those stupid feathers.”
Runge responded to the avalanche of
criticism with positive shouts about her
future at the University.
“WHAT’S WRONG WITH A WOMAN
YELLING? I WAS REALLY MAD LAST
YEAR — REALLY, REALLY MAD!” Runge
yelled. “BUT I’VE CALMED DOWN A
LOT, AND I’M READY TO GET OUT ON
THE GRASS AND PLAY BALL!”
The Ducks’ first Pacific-10 croquet
match against the Arizona State Sun Devils
is set for September at Pape Field.
The Emerald hopes you enjoyed
this April Fools Day story.
Henry Flower Emerald
Jody Runge has verbally secured her position as head coach of the Oregon women’s croquet team and say s she
is delighted she’s allowed to coach again — especially croquet, which is one of her absolute favorite sports.
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