Crowd hurls Subway items
at Jared, Mayor Jim Torrey
■ Angry Subway patrons use
food to attack Jared Fogle and
Eugene’s mayor, claiming the
chain’s diet doesn’t work
By Franklin Allen Tabernathy
Oregon Daily Emerald
Bodyguards of a high-ranking
and scale-tipping city official
rushed Subway pitchman Jared
Fogle to safety Sunday after an an
tagonistic crowd at the McDonald
Theatre lobbed sub sandwiches
with six grams of fat or less at
America’s reigning diet dandy.
Ironically, the subs thrown by the
crowd — which was angered by the
chain’s “weight-loss lies” — were
the same variety as those which
helped Fogle lose 235 pounds and
earned him his job promoting the
chain’s “healthy” product line.
The bodyguards whisked Fogle
and Mayor Jim Torrey to the secure
confines of an undisclosed, low-fat
eatery in this college town. Officials
said both were unharmed but shak
en, and later, hungry.
A source close to Torrey who
spoke on the condition of anonymi
ty confirmed early reports that Tor
rey then ordered a Boca burger with
avocado, a plate of fresh pear slices
and two dozen napkins at the loca
tion. Fogle reportedly didn’t eat.
Exclusivity terms in his Subway
contract forbid him from partaking
of another restaurant’s entrees.
Fogle spoke in Eugene to pro
mote Subway’s new line of low
calorie breakfast smoothies and his
new book, “Subtracting the ‘Ton’
From Nutrition.”
“Food is so delicious and
good. My sweet lord, this
is so freakin’good!”
JimTorrey
Eugene mayor
“Jared was pretty shaken,” the
anonymous source said between
bites of a pastry. “He came here to
share his message with people
about eating healthy and getting fit.
What he got for his trouble was a
knuckle sandwich, so to speak.”
Torrey was unavailable for com
ment, as his mouth was full.
Meanwhile, more than 50 rau
cous members of the crowd turned
their frustrations toward the
streets as they lumbered out after a
6:15 p.m. complimentary appetiz
er. A contingent of the Eugene Po
lice Department’s emergency force
arrived as a unified and glandular
faction of 17 crowd members
chanted, “Six grams of lies!”
Some used ketchup and mustard
packets to scrawl a picture depict
ing a Subway truck crushing Fogle.
Subway napkins and plastic bags
cluttered streets and sidewalks up
to two blocks away.
Police dressed in riot gear with
large paper bibs surrounded the
crowd and subdued them by 6:30
p.m., Sgt. Angelo Benedict said.
Two people were injured and
rushed to Sacred Heart Medical
Center when one choked on a large
bite of lunch meat and another got
Dijon mustard in his left eye.
“This is a devastating quake on
the Richter scale of Eugene’s nu
tritional history,” University seis
mologist Elaine Belkamp said. “I
feel for Mr. Fogle. I believe in
him. In fact, I’ve cut back my
eclair intake by 25 percent in the
last two weeks.”
A Eugene woman who shouted
obscenities at Fogle said the crowd
was frustrated with Subway be
cause of their “bogus” advertising
campaign. She said the “results are
not typical” disclaimer at the end
of every “fared” commercial is an
“indictment” of the Subway diet’s
lackluster results. No one expect
ed the 6-foot-2-inch Subway pitch
man to lose almost as much weight
as a prototypical NFL linebacker
carries. And no one expected a
gaggle of seeming well-wishers to
turn their dieting frustrations on
him in Eugene. He was well-re
ceived in Portland on Thursday
and in Bend on Saturday.
A blues rocker familiar with
Fogle and his humanitarian and di
etetic philanthropy said he was dis
mayed and disgusted that some Eu
geneans reacted hotly.
“But you know what?” the rock
er said in a growling blues scat.
“He’s still lookin’ good. He knows
the way. His name is Jared, and
I
Albany Trudeau Emerald
Mayor Jim Torrey was led to safety after
being attacked by angry Subway customers.
he’ll lead you to Subway. That’s
where he goes, along with the rest.
For seven sandwiches with six
grams of fat or less.”
The Emerald hopes you enjoyed
this April Fools Day story.
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