Total chaos
continued from page 1
tried to push through, throwing
rocks and sticks, and the guards
men were forced to fire bean-bag
bullets,” Klink said. “At Pegasus,
they were screaming about ‘re
claiming the liquor and pizza held
inside.’ I’ve never seen anything
that savage in my life.”
Klink added that he is confident
that the missing students will turn
up unharmed.
The riots began Friday after
noon immediately after Universi
ty President Dave Frohnmayer an
nounced that the student
government had failed to fulfill its
duties. He specifically mentioned
ASUO President Nilda Brooklyn
and Vice President Joy Nair’s ab
senteeism in the ASUO office.
“I’ve long believed in the need
for student government, but Brook
lyn and Nair’s complete inactivity
has forced me to rethink that deci
sion,” Frohnmayer said in a press
conference at Johnson Hall. “I’ve
heard the criticism all year that
they aren’t in the office and don’t
get anything done. When I investi
gated this, I couldn’t believe how
true it was.” j
Word of Frqnnmayer’s decision
spread quickly;, and a mass of about
50 students h/eaded from Johnson
Hall to the AStJO office, where they
used trash caps to break through the
windows arid looted the office of
computers and other office supplies.
PFC Chairwoman Mary Eliza
beth Madden, who was in the office
when the rioting began, fled
through the EMU to safety. She said
the ungoverned uprising should
prove to Frohnmayer that the
ASUO is a necessary element of
campus life.
“People always say that the
ASUO doesn’t do anything for
them — that nothing would change
if there wasn’t a student govern
ment,” Madden said. “If there is a
bright side to this, I guess it’s that
we proved what happens when the
ASUO disappears.”
Brooklyn and Nair faxed a press
release to local media organizations,
saying that they were tipped off an
hour before Frohnmayer’s an
nouncement, and the pair fled to an
“undisclosed safe house in South
America.” They said in the release
that they hadn’t been in the office be
cause they never knew last spring’s
election — which was marred by
grievances that halted voting a num
ber of times — had ever ended.
“We never knew we were elect
ed, but we were wondering when
the voting would begin again” they
said. “In retrospect it was a mistake
because we hadn’t seen (former
ASUO President) Jay Breslow in
the office for a long time.”
They promised to return to cam
pus when “it is deemed safe again”
and work to reinstate the ASUO.
Frohnmayer said Sunday that
spring term classes would begin as
planned today.
The Emerald hopes you enjoyed
this April Fools Day story.
Henry Flower Emerald
An unidentified student lashes out at a parked DPS patrol car on Friday afternoon
in response to... actually, he just wanted to beat the crap out of a DPS patrol car.
Good excuse
continued from page 1
Some professors admit the new
excuses are so good they have
stopped giving homework altogeth
er and cut back on the intensity of
early morning lectures.
“With so much going on around
us, it’s extremely hard to concen
trate on the intricacies of 19th cen
tury Romantic poetry,” admits Eng
lish Professor Richard Sullivan.
Sullivan admitted he is known as
a “tough grader,” but he cannot
force students of this new era to
take his tests or write his weekly
four-page papers on John Keat’s
poem “The Grecian Urn.”
“These kids knew the last days of
peace and prosperity, and now
r
‘Terrorists ate my paper’
Some post-Sept. 11 excuses
students haw given professors;
■ ‘Watching a Donaid Rumsfeld press conference or
f 0 percent of my g rade—you make the call, ’
■ ‘I spent your class period debating the different
memorial projects for Ground Zero. Was there really a
midterm today?’
■ i dtdn’t have time to write that paper because t was
helping a friend download a bootleg copy of Flight
183’$ black box.'
■ ‘I couldn’t help with the group project last night
because my friend got arrested at the airport trying to
sneak on his dad’s flare gun, and f had to bait him out
of jail.'
* 'John Ashcroft declared my papera state secret.'
■ “Who's got time for homework when nobody really
believes those Marines are just ’observers’ in the
Philippines?"
■ 'Rumor had It that Osama bin Laden was going to
release another tape on al-Jazeera, l wasn’t going to
miss that for one stupid quiz.’
■ ‘George Bush told us to go to Disney World. So I did:
■ 1 am too worried about Joey Harrington going to
the Texans to study for anything.*
■ ‘Dude, t swear to God I thought l saw Osama bin
Laden at Taco Time last night. We drove around ail
night looking for him.’
■ 1 stayed up all night reading about howai-Qaeda
funds itself through the use of international money
changers and diamond smugglers:
■ ‘My roommate tried to brew up some mustard gas,
and we all spent the last two weeks in the hospital. ’
their world is shattered,” he said.
“This is my way of trying to give it
back to them piece by piece.”
Many appreciate the willingness
of professors to understand the
tough academic hassles many stu
dents are going through during
times of international turmoil.
“People don’t understand how
hard these events have hit college
students,” said junior Becky Ret
slaph. “My friends and I used to
talk about beer bongs and body
shots. Now, all that sounds so triv
:■ 11 . ..
ial. Today we talk about far out
places like Indonesia and Somalia
all the time. CNN is always on in
my house, and I live for Tom
Brokaw.”
Restlaph’s roommate, sophomore
Jennifer Siegal, agreed.
“With so many changes, I don’t
really have much time to do
homework — much less school,”
she said.
The Emerald hopes you enjoyed
this April Fools Day story.
Health Educatio
r
WHAl
"I
The Heartsaver CPR course is designed to teach lay rescuers how to
recognize and treat life-threatening emergencies including cardiac arrest and
choking for adult, child and infant victims. The course duration is 4 hours and
is specifically designed to meet the needs and/or requirements of those who
are expected to respond to emergencies in the workplace such as camp p
counselors, daycare employees and other lay rescuers required to obtain a |
course completion card.
_L_.
L.
HOW
I Register by calling the University Health Center at 346-2770. Space
will be limited to the first 20 UO students.
1
WHEN
Tuesday, April 9 at 5-9:00 p.m.
Tuesday, April 30 at 5-9:00 p.m.
I Tuesday, May 14 at 5-9:00 p.m.
I_
I
~i
.j
r
L
WHO
-J-1
WHERE
I Cafeteria on the second floor of the UO Health Center. I
-L1-1
Class taught by nursing staff from the UO Health Center.
-[J COST
| $30, which can be charged to UO account or paid in cash. |
U N I V E R S I T Y
HEALTH CENTER
We’re a matter of degrees ▲