Tuesday
Editor in chief: Jack Clifford
Managing Editor: Jessica Blanchard
Newsroom: (541) 346-5511
Room 300, Erb Memorial Union
P.O. box 3159, Eugene, OR 97403
E-mail: ode@oregon.uoregon.edu
EDITORIAL EDITOR: MICHAEL J. KLECKNER ODededitor@jniimalist rnm
.. -
Displaying the
family
jewels
APTAIN
SENSIBLE
The British royal family: For
centuries, names such as
Plantagenet, Stuart, Tudor
and York rang out as the
cream of British society. Elizabeth I
was a great patron of arts and letters,
as well as the impetus for a new
round of exploration of the Western
Hemisphere. Queen Victoria
presided over a period in history in
which the tiny island nation ruled
supreme over one-quarter of the
earth’s surface. King George VI was,
in some ways, the glue that held
British society together during
World War II. Queen Elizabeth II
and her brood can’t seem to hold a
candle to such predecessors. The
House of Windsor has become an
international laughingstock.
Two weeks ago, the sitcom
“That’s My Bush” premiered on the
television channel Comedy Central.
This irreverent show mercilessly
lampoons the current first family,
President George W. Bush and his
wife, Laura. However, the British
Broadcasting Corporation has never
done a sitcom based on the current
royal family. Partly this is the rever
ence that is given to the royals, even
now. It’s also partly that, after a good
20 years of making royal arses out of
themselves, almost anything the sit
com writers could invent would be
pretty tame. But that doesn’t mean
I’m not going to try.
So now I present my own sit
com, “The Family Jewels.” The
first episode pretty much writes it
self: A few weeks ago, Sophie
Rhys-Jones, the wife of Prince
Edward and chairwoman of a
public relations firm, began
talking to a Saudi Arabian
sheik to whom she told em
barrassing revelations about
the royals. Except he wasn’t a
sheik. He was an undercover
reporter from the Sun, a <
British tabloid, and was taping
the whole conversation. (Open
ing music and montage. Cut to the
throne room at Buckingham
Palace. Elizabeth is on her throne.
Charles is sitting in an alcove,
sticking pins in a voodoo doll of
the queen. The doors fly open and
Prince Edward rushes in.)
Edward: Mother! We’ve got terri
ble news!
QE2: What is it this time, Ed
die? Your play go under? Your
dance troupe gain mass arthritis?
Or did you finally find that con
scription notice the Royal Navy
sent you in 1985?
Edward: No, Mother. It’s even
worse than that. Sophie, my wife,;
made a terrible mistake. She —
Charles: Married you.
Edward: I was going to say, she
went and talked to the tabloids!
Charles: We thought you had a
long talk with her about how “we
don’t go gabbing to the Sun.”
Edward: Well I did, but she did
n’t know it was a tabloid reporter!
Charles: Of course not! Since
when do tabloid reporters wear
outsized neon signs saying “I work
for Fleet Street — please tell me
everything and anything”?
QE2: (muttering) Oh ‘ell, this is
as bad as Fergie going and doing
commercials on telly for that Yan
kee fat farm.
Edward: He was dressed as a
sheik!
Bryan Dixon Emerald
QE2: Oh, bloody ‘ell. What did
she tell the bugger?
Edward: She went and told how
we all call you “the Old Dear.”
And that we think of the prime
minister’s wife as “hideous,”
among other things.
QE2: Tell the Beefeaters to go
find this sod! Off with his head!
Charles: As I believe I’ve told
you some nine times today, Mum,
we can’t do that anymore. Scot
land Yard considers it homicide.
QE2: Oh, bloody ‘ell! It’s not like
it was in the good old days. They
don’t let me declare war, they
don’t give me any power to rule
other than opening bloody Parlia
ment, and now you’re telling me
they’ve taken away my last bit o’
fun — chopping people’s heads of]
and displaying them at Traitor’s
Gate! Why in bloody ‘ell do they
keep me alive anyway?
Charles: (with a covetous tone)
We have all been wondering that,
Mum...
The family, after a few misadven
tures involved in trying to get the
tape back from the tabloids (includ
ing a “Mission Impossible” take-off
scene where the Queen is suspend
ed by a rope over the editor-in
chiefs desk) returns to the safety of
Buckingham Palace’s roof, which is
decked out in party lights.
Charles: Well, we’ve avoided
that embarrassment, no thanks to
your wife, Edward. How we ever
put up with you —
QE2: Need I remind you,
Charles Phillip Arthur George ...
Charles: Oh damn! All four
names.
QE2: Your fooling around with
that Camilla hasn’t been a great
mark on our family record. If you’d
keep your little “Prince of Wales”
where it belongs we’d be a whole
bloody lot — (She tumbles off the
roof, with a little helping push
from Charles.)
Charles: Finally! Now I can be
king! What do you think of that,
Mum?
QE2: (shouting back) I think I’m
not dead yet, you little sod!
Wait until next week when we
see what wacky adventures hap
pen when His Majesty King Harald
V of Norway and His Imperial
Majesty, Emperor Akihito of Japan,
end up sharing a studio apartment
in New York City.
Pat Payne is a columnist for the Oregon
Daily Emerald. His views do not necessari
ly represent those bf the Emerald. He can
be reached at Macross_SD@hotmail.com.
Letter to the editor
Jacobson and Cook will help maximize
group activity
As a member of the Student Senate this year, I
know how much student government desperately
needs new ideas. ASUO Executive candidates Bret Ja
cobson and Matt Cook have consistently put forth
original ideas to the problems that other candidates
have merely highlighted.
Bret and Matt are committed to making sure the ex
ecutive actively supports student groups, especially
when it comes to planning and paying for events. Not
only will they hold student groups financially ac
countable, they will also help groups be responsible
with student funds. This means assisting with wise
money management, while effectively maximizing the
group’s activity.
One of Bret and Matt’s innovative solutions is to cre
ate a new position in the ASUO, that of “Projects Coor
dinator,” to guide students as they plan and execute their
events, and assist with fundraising. The coordinator
would know how money can be spent, the best ways to
spend it, and the services available throughout campus.
Past presidents strived to make the ASUO more rec- •
ognizable to students. The coordinator position would
be the next step; an actual person inside the ASUO stu
dents could recognize for help. Bret and Matt want to
solve that problem and others. The ASUO needs their
creative solutions.
Last year, I ran on a platform of student fee accounta
bility. Bret and Matt want to help student groups use
their fees correctly, while getting the maximum bang
for their buck. I recommend you vote Bret Jacobson
and Matt Cook for ASUO Executive.
Skye Tenney
senior
business
CONTACT US!
The Oregon Daily Emerald welcomes and will attempt to print all letters on topics of interest to the University community.
Letters are limited to 250 words. The Emerald rmay edit any letter for length, clarity, grammar, style and libel. Letters may be
mailed, dropped off at EMU Suite 300, or e-mailed to the addresses at the top of the page. Also, please feel free to give your
feedback to any individual story or column directly at our Web site. Feedback comments may appear in print at our discre
tion. Keep in touch!
Letter from the editors
Somereaders may notice the full-page advertisement regarding slavery repara
tions in today’s Emerald. The ad, which lists 10 reasons against paying repara
tions to descendants of slaves, has caused controversy on several college cam
puses across the country in recent months.
At the Emerald, we occasionally receive ads that have the potential to be contro
versial, and the paper has an advertising policy in place to determine whether or
not to run an ad. Among other criteria, we decline to run ads that needlessly of
fend a significant portion of our readers. But the flip side of that is that we don’t
want to censor ads just because some people may not agree with the ideas or
opinions contained in them.
Last week, representatives from the advertising, news and production depart
ments at the Emerald met to discuss the ramifications of running the slavery
reparations ad. The group acts only in an advisory capacity to the advertising di
rector, who has final say over whether an ad runs or not.
The group discussed thead and approached the issue by asking why we wouldn’t
run thead. Some participants in the meeting expressed concern that the ad
would offend some readers. But it was generally agreed that the opinions in the
ad deal with a political issue being discussed at the national level, and that it’s
not our job to shield our readers — who are mainly college students—from
those ideas or opinions that may be controversial.
We invite students and the campus community to debate the issues raised by the
ad’s content. Readers can write letters to the editor or guest columns that meet
our standard guidelines, and drop them off in our office or e-mail them to
ode@oregon.uoregon.edu. We will attempt to run all opinion pieces we receive
regarding this issue.