Friday
Editor in chief: Jack Clifford
Managing Editor: Jessica Blanchard
Newsroom: (541) 346-5511
Room 300, Erb Memorial Union
P.O. box 3159, Eugene, OR 97403
E-mail: ode@oregon.uoregon.edu
EDITORIAL EDITOR: MICHAEL J. KLECKNER opededitor@journalist.com
And the BakaAward goes to...
f?J CAPTAIN
_Hr SENSIBLE
PAT PAYNE
ABaka is: a jerk, idiot or moron. You
get the idea. We here at Captain
SensibleCo., in our tireless search
to reward the idiots of the world
— without whom I’d be more or less out of
work — have devised a series of awards to
recognize new highs or lows in the field of
incompetence or just plain idiocy.
The “Pass the S’mores and World Revolu
tion” award goes to the supporters of the
Worker Rights Consortium here at the Uni
versity, for their ceaseless efforts in futility.
In February 2000, less than 10 percent of the
student body cared to vote in the ASUO
general elections. Among the issues voted
on was the University’s membership in the
WRC, a nebulous group that supposedly
was to aid in ending sweatshop labor. The
measure passed, but not by any stunning
mandate from the general campus popula
tion.
University President Dave Frohnmayer
put the measure through all the usual legal
hoops before signing. It wasn’t fast enough
for those looking for “campus democracy”
(read: rule by a self-righteous and small
minded elite). In March, about a hundred of
these baka camped out on the Johnson Hall
lawn, demanding that Frohnmayer sign the
paper immediately. He did sign, eventually,
and then both the University’s legal counsel
and the assistant attorney general brought to
his attention that the organization had seri
ous liability problems that could expose the
University to lawsuits. So, the baka are now
painting the University as a dictatorship,
and knowing these folks’ track record, we
could be looking at another riot.
Sorry, chums, if it’s a choice between rid
ding the world of sweatshops (a laudable
and necessary goal) or having to raise my al
ready obscene “because-I’m-from-Califor
nia” tuition because of needless legal settle
ments, it’s no contest. For your insistence
on rule by chaos because you don’t get your
way, your award is a bronze diaper. Wear it
in good health.
The “Please, Tell Us Andy Warhol Was
Right” award this year goes to Marshall
Mathers, known far and wide by his nom de
merde, “Eminem.” As if anyone needed an
other piece of evidence that the GRAMMYs
are based on record sales and not on the
quality of the work, I present Exhibit A.
Mathers’ rap has all the charm and beauty
of serial killer Richard Ramirez. His music
has offended women’s groups, gay rights
groups and even his own mother, for good
reason. Eminem’s body of work is an unre
lenting litany of drugs, rape and murder. Foi
this new low in “popular” music, Eminem
has earned this award, a 15-minute stop
watch. Marshall, seek professional help.
Now. And, by the way, the good old enve
lope-pushing bands like the Germs or the
Sex Pistols would wipe the floor with your
pasty, white, gold-encrusted butt.
Finally, there is the “Baka of the Year”
award, a prestigious papier-mache statuette
depicting the beloved ventriloquist Edgar
Bergen’s dummy Mortimer Snerd. This was
a toughie. Between Janet “Rambo” Reno,
Emerald
who sent in half the U.S. Army to re
trieve Elian Gonzalez; Major League
Baseball players, who saw one of their
own catch a $250 million contract
and are still talking about striking
because they’re “underpaid”; and
Jerry “I’m Right ‘Cause God Says
So” Falwell, just for being him,
there was a smorgasbord of id
iots to choose from. Still, I
hope nobody will quibble
when the “Baka of the Year”
goes to ... The envelope,
please ... The entire state of
Florida.
If we saw history, I could do
without it. We would have
had a president (either Al
Gore or George Bush —
gee, what choices this
year) on election night
like normal countries
had people realized
that a large arrow is the
internationally recog
nized sign for
“punch here, not
in Buchanan’s
hole, moron.”
Had Jeb Bush kept
his mouth shut
and not promised
the state to his
brother, perhaps
DemocRATS
(whoops, sub
liminal mes
sage there)
*
wouldn’t have thought up outlandish and
moronic conspiracy theories. Had Republi
can protesters not held court outside one of
the re-counts, there wouldn’t have been the
whole “well, it must have been intimidation
by those evil Republicans” thing when the
re-counters called it a day.
Florida, you did the impossible: You
made a Yugoslavian election look good
compared to ours. Congratulations. And if I
hear one more thing about dimpled, preg
nant, hanging or eaten chads ...
Pat Payne is a columnist for the Oregon Daily Emer
ald. His views do not necessarily represent those of
the Emerald. He can be reached at Macross_SD@hot
mail.com.
Letters to the editor
Poor attendance disappointing
I am surprised and disappointed by the
lack of attendance at this week's events
commemorating the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther
King Jr.
Last year, student protests of sweatshop
labor led Mother Jones magazine to rate the
University of Oregon as the No. 1 activist
campus in the country. In his State of the
University address last October, President
Frohnmayer outlined numerous significant
advances made toward increasing diversi
ty and community on campus. Somehow, I
expected more people to participate in this
week's events commemorating the accom
plishments of this courageous activist who
worked toward equality and community.
Many students and staff worked very
hard preparing and planning for these
events. I wish they had been as well-attend
ed as are our sporting events.
Anthony J. Hornof
assistant professor
computer and information science