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EDITORIAL EDITOR: MICHAEL J. KLECKNER opededitor@journalist.com
A divided country will miss the Clinton era
SAINTS AND
PROFITS
ERIC PFEIFFER
ill Clinton must be smil
B1
mg.
In the months leading
to the election, there
was quite a buzz about his efforts
to establish a meaningful legacy for
himself and his presidency.
For a while, Clinton’s hopes were
riding on the man who aimed to suc
ceed him in office, Vice President Al
Gore. A Gore victory equaled a third
Clinton term and a validation of the
Clinton platform that has guided our
country for the last eight years.
On the other hand, a victory for Texas
Gov. George W. Bush equaled a rejec
tion of the Clinton era and a return to
the times of his predecessor, the man he
defeated in ’92, George H.W. Bush.
But a funny thing happened on elec
tion night: America wouldn’t have ei
ther of them. Meanwhile, the other
Clinton, Hillary, didn't just win her
Senate hid: she devastated Rick Lazio
in the nation’s second most high-profile
race.
Now, no matter who takes the White
House, Bill Clinton has won. Again.
America couldn’t choose a new direction
because most of us are pretty happy with
the direction we’re going. You can "count
on this: Whoever becomes the next
president will make Bill Clinton look
really, really good. Neither the Democ
rats nor the Republicans can claim the
moral high ground in the final rounds of
this election.
Republicans spent the last two weeks
scorching Democrats about their desire to
re-evaluate thousands of disqualified
ified ballots in Democratic counties.
The Sunday talk shows were
filled with GOP heavy
weights, such as Bush spokes
woman Karen Hughes, decrying
the “disenfranchising of military
men who are not having their votes
counted.”
Meanwhile, the Democrats could
n’t help but point out that these bal
lots were not properly filed, and
therefore, should not be counted.
Sound familiar? Yes, except the talking
heads were breathing fire from the oppo
site mouths just days ago.
This process has nothing to do with
right or wrong. It’s all about winning.
Florida Secretary of State Katherine
Harris, a Republican, has done our
country a disservice by trying to
block re-counts just to ensure her
candidate a victory. For those of
you who don’t know, she was co
chair of Bush’s Florida cam
paign, along with another Bush,
the governor named Jeb. Jeb
has actually shown charac
ter lacking on both sides by
recusing himself from the
proceedings. He was always
the better Bush, anyway.
On the other side, you have
two Democratic legal victo
ries coming from a Florida
Supreme Court where De
mocratic governors ap
pointed all seven jus
tices. Sound suspicious?
Well, it should.
The tragedy is that we
don’t seem to have any “Wise
Men,” as people on Capitol Hill
call them, to step in and settle
this in a bipartisan fashion.
Where are the honorable men and
women who can put politics
aside and honestly try to fig
ure out who received more
votes in Florida?
rionaa ballots in tour democratic-leaning
counties. The news was filled with so
many references to “chads,” I started to
think the presidential election had turned
into an old surfer movie.
Former Democratic President
Jimmy Carter made such a sugges
tion, offering his services along
with former Republican President Gerald Ford.
The response from Joe Lieberman: “An interest
1 he Republicans spoke of dignity and integrity,
citing holy proclamations of the “constitutional crisis” sweeping across Amer
ica. Remember impeachment? Yeah, those guys.
Fast-forward two weeks.
This past weekend, overseas ballots were counted. More than 1,000 of those ballots,
mostly from military bases, were tossed out because of irregularities similar to the disqual
Giovanni Salimena Emerald
Thanks, but no thanks.
Bill Clinton, we're going to miss you.
Eric Pfeiffer is a columnist for the Oregon Daily Emerald, currently serving an internship at the National Jour
nal Hotline in Washington, D.C. His views do not necessarily represent those of the Emerald. He can be
reached at epfeiffetgigladstone.uoregon.edu.
Give 'em two years, then it’s God save the Queen
PAT PAYNE
CAPTAIN
LE
Like a bad dream, the mess in
Florida is still haunting us.
It’s been 10 days since the
first presidential contest of
the new millennium, and we don’t
know yet who the First Baka is, be
cause neither the Vice-Baka nor
the Head Baka of Texas wants to ad
mit that he stands a chance of losing
Florida. The Vice-Baka has been
dragging out the process, hoping
magical pixies will make more Gore
votes appear with every re-count,
while the Texas Baka is prematurely
redecorating the Oval Office.
Nothing good is going to come of
this battle. If Bush wins, Democ
rats will be enraged about the
whole Palm Beach fiasco (in
which a minor civil servant used
the ill-fated “butterfly” format to
improve legibility) and will see it
as yet another manifestation of the
non-existent “vast right-wing con
spiracy” which not only stole
Florida but also rubbed many vot
ers’ faces in it.
If Gore wins, Republicans are
going to be incensed, sensing a De
mocratic “dirty trick” in procrasti
nating and prolonging the election
and possibly falsifying ballots (in
Republicans’ minds) through end
less manual re-counts. In either
case, someone’s gonna be put out,
and with the 50-50 split and polar
ized Congress, we have a recipe for
gridlock, recrimination and four
years of people screaming at each
other. Just what this country
needs. We’ve already had 28 years
of Dems and Repubs manning the
trenches, sniping at each other’s
lines at every opportunity. Bubba
Bill’s indiscretions of the last eight
vears have only worsened this.
So, what are we going to do
now?
1 say we give two years to who
ever gets elected. If by the midterm
elections we’ve got gridlock and
political turmoil because the loser
keeps bringing up the word
"theft,” my solution is this: We fi
nally give up and beg Great Britain
to take us back.
"Sony' about that revolution fra
cas, old chaps. Pip-pip, cheerio,
God save the Queen, pass the
bangers and mash, Hail Blackadder
and all that sort of rot.” They could
turn all our representatives into
Members of Parliament, and per
haps allow our senators into the
House of Lords.
Our Congress is acrimonious al
ready, so Trent Lott, Dick
Gephardt. Maxine Waters and the
rest would fit right in at the House
of Commons, where booing and
shouting down the opposition
speaker is not only a time-honored
tradition, it’s an art form. With the
myriad political parties in Britain
and the parliamentary makeup of
the British government, the Re
publicans and the Democrats (to
say nothing of Nader’s
whatchamacallits) would be
forced to work together or perish.
And oil scions like Bush and polit
ical royalty like Gore could get
something of a reality check
should they have to move into 10
Downing, the modest residence of
Prime Ministers given as a sort of
“gag gift” to the PM by King
George II in 1732. The White
House has its own theater and
bowling allfey. 10 Downing has
running water.
Besides, what would we really
have to give up? So we’d drive on
the other side of the road, eat
something called “spotted Dick,”
pronounce “z” as “zed” and spell
“armor,” “color” and “favorite”
with the letter “u.” So what if soc
cer — I’m sorry, football — would
replace baseball as the national
sport? So what if every day at 4:30
p.m. (3:30 p.m. Mountain and
Central) we would have to drink
boiled leaves in water and eat light
pastries?
At least we wouldn’t have to
worry about butterfly ballots and
ambitious morons who may or
may not be qualified to be presi
dent. Rule Britannia!
Pat Payne is a columnist for the Oregon
Daily Emerald. His views do not necessari
ly represent those of the Emerald. He can
be reached at Macross30@hotfnail.com,