Living with ’rents not rent-free for ex-student
Dear Harlan,
I’m taking a break from college
so I can earn some decent money,
buy a newer car and amass a tu
ition payment. I’ve always lived
at home with my family, and my
parents said that as long as I go to
school full-time they would sup
port me. My mom works at a com
munity college, so I went there for
two years for free. Now they want
to charge me room and board at a
quarter of my earnings. Is this
fair? I’m trying to save money!
— Paying the P’s
Dear Paying,
If they throw in cable, utilities
and a month-to-month lease, I’ll
be your roommate.
I think it’s absurd, but I’m not
your mom or your dad. It’s virtu
ally impossible to know what
they’re thinking. This could be a
lesson in responsibility. This
could be them needing money
and starting a new business ven
ture. It could be them‘watching
too many of those Holiday Inn
commercials where grandma
keeps on laughing.
The obvious suggestion is talk
ing with them and explaining
your situation to see if they can
help you out. The next option is
sticking things out for a little bit
(assuming you don’t have to sign
a long-term lease) and saving
money for school. The next op
tion is to look into financial aid
and scholarship money. Call up
the campus of your choice and
talk to a financial aid counselor.
Also, checkout "The Scholarship
Book" by Daniel J. Cassidy and
stop on-line at www.scholar
ship.com. There are hundreds of
millions of dollars in scholar
ships, grants, and loans waiting
for people in your type of situa
tion.
Deal with it and don’t let things
get too heavy, and soon enough
you’ll be handing your parents a
"For Rent" sign and shipping
yourself out to college.
Dear Harlan,
I have had an idea in my head
to attempt to become a model or
an actress - just something to get
me in the spotlight. I guess you
can say in my heart I’m already
there, but my head tells me some
thing different. Thith is, I’m afraid
of failure and/or rejection. I think
I might have what it takes, but I’m
scared to try. Any advice on how I
can get the courage to try?
— Scared Model
Dear Model,
As a former cover model for
"Reject Model Monthly" I com
pletely understand your situation.
Not trying is to fail. Courage is
being willing to fail. Courage al
ways knows you’re beautiful in
side and NEVER letting others
define you or your greatness.
Too many people sit around
wondering, waiting, hoping,
dreaming, but fail to take the
risks necessary to make their
dreams come true. The biggest
tragedy is sitting on your poten
tial for fear that you won’t suc
ceed. Another tragedy is sitting
on something sharp.
As for the courage, it comes
from being comfortable and
confident. Once you’re comfort
able with yourself you’ll be able
to find the courage to take risks
because you won’t be so hungry
for others to validate you. This
is when you’ll find the most suc
cess. If being in the spotlight
means pursuing your passion,
whatever happens will be a sure
success.
Dear Harlan,
I'm white. I am engaged to a girl
who is black. My father likes my
fiancee a lot and she likes my fa
ther. However, my mother is dead
set against it. I am assuming that
it is because my fiancee is black,
but my mother denies it. All of
my friends and my parent's
friends like my fiancee a lot. I do
not want to be disrespectful to my
mother, but I am not going to
leave my fiancee because of her. I
want to make peace between us
two. I need help soon.
- Nervous in NJ
Dear Nervous,
Your mom will either have to
ease up or expect an uncomfort
able relationship with you and
soon to be daughter-in-law.
This is one of those "respect
what your mom says, but listen to
your heart" issues. When it
comes to race — changing some
one's perspective is a long road
that can take years.
Approach your mom like she’s
an intelligent person and explain
to her how wonderful this
woman is for you. Let her know
that she’s going to be a part of
your life and you hope that she
will one day see what is so obvi
ous to you. Your mom might hate
the idea, but if she wants you in
her world she’ll have to deal.
The truth is
that this is
her prob
lem, not
yours.
If your
mom choos
es to say
hateful or
disrespect
ful things,
just walk
away. Make
it clear that
you will not
tolerate her
ignorance. This is more an issue
for your mom and her conscience
then it is between your mom,
your fiancee, and you. If she
wants to be hateful she can do it
far away from you and your hap
py life. Only she can learn to be
tolerant.
Dear Harlan,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for
over three years and we’ve had
our share of ups and downs, but
we’ve stuck together through it
all. At the beginning of our rela
tionship we both cheated on each
other, but we recognized our mis
takes, worked it out and promised
to remain faithful. We’ve both
stuck to that promise ever since.
Recently however, I found out
that my boyfriend was in the per
sonals section on the web looking
at naked pictures that women had
posted and responding to their
questions of whether they look
good or not.
Should I be making as big a
deal out of this or am I overreact
ing?
— Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
Are you worried he’s cheating
or worried he’ll see your person
al ad? We’ve dealt with this issue
so many times in this column.
Only you know if you can trust
him, but considering the founda
Ask
Harlan
tion of your relationship is so
weak due to the initial constant
cheating, it’s hard for you to sim
ply let nude personal ads slide by
without wondering.
It sounds suspicious to me, but
there could be a reasonable ex
planation. Because of your past
there’s nothing wrong with ask
ing a few questions. Listen to
what he has to say and ask him to
promise you he’ll always talk to
you before even contemplating
cheating. If anything this offers a
good checkpoint and chance to
communicate openly. Let me
know what happens...
Dear Harlan,
I want to ask my ex back out,
but I’ve been getting mixed feel
ings from him. He tells all my
friends he likes me, and he al
ways tells them he’d go out with
me if not for his girl (he’s jingle
now). Five minutes later I call
him and he gets very weird like
talking about his other ex's. When
were together he acts like he likes
me and then stares at me if anoth
er guy comes close. Do you think
he still likes me? Do I have a
chance or do I give up?
— Ex question
Dear Ex,
He’s a little boy. Forget him and
move on. When he can learn to
communicate his feelings he can
attempt to be with you. Until
then, ignore him and live your
own life.
Next letter please...
Dear Harlan,
I’m a senior in college and hope
to graduate next December. The
past three semesters I have lost
much of my drive to be a good
student in school. You see, I have
always taken responsibility for
my successes and failures and
lately I’ve come to acknowledge
that not all of my troubles are
purely my fault.
I have still kept my grades up
until this semester. I had a 4.0
which dropped to 3.87, then to
3.49, and now who knows. I had
a 4.0 when my father was alive. I
never got along great with him
while he was alive, but his high
expectations and demanding na
ture kind of encouraged me to get
the good grades. Since he died
I’ve felt that I’ve had no one to an
swer to but myself and I feel I’ve
failed to satisfy my own expecta
tions.
So my question to you — per
haps I already know the answer. I
hope I pass everything, but I’ve
felt depressed about my own
missing classes and lack of ac
countability.
What's a good way to restart?
— Starting over
Dear Starting,
Please, don’t be so hard on
yourself. It’s very cool that you’ve
been able to do so well in school,
but your life outside the class
room is equally as important.
Rather than worrying about
passing every class with an "A,"
it’s equally as important to take
this time for you to make some
discoveries. It takes time and ef
fort to go to class and it takes time
and effort to deal with life outside
class. If your grades slip a little
bit, it’s not so terrible. Life is a
balance and this part of your life
might need a little more work at
this point in time.
Just like having to going to
class, it’s so important you talk
this out. There are counseling
services on campus and in your
local community to help out. You
still might have some grieving to
do and some inner issues to work
out. Don’t try to do it alone. Take
advantage of all the awesome re
sources available while they’re
so accessible. It’s impossible for
me to tell you what to think or
how to feel, but know you’re nev
er alone and people are waiting
to help.
Everything takes work. As
hard as it might be, this is the per
fect time to grow and look deep
within yourself. Take this time
for you, and next December, not
only can you graduate on the
Dean's List, you can graduate
with a deeper understanding of
you and your relationship with
your dad. And that's something
that will make everyone extreme
ly proud.
Harlan is not a licensed psychologist,
therapist or physician, but he is a li
censed driver and a syndicated colum
nist. Write Harlan on-line at:
www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters
submitted become the property of the
column.
Tipping 101: Time to learn the basics
By Adam Shiver
Tribune Media Services
ORLANDO, Fla. — Whether
the last time you dined out was
last night or last month, you no
doubt had to calculate what to
tip the server and/or bartender
who waited on you, right?
You DID leave a tip, didn't
you?
Servers across the country —
whether in greasy spoons or five
star digs — hate to see anyone
who looks remotely like a college
student coming. While some stu
dents are great tippers, others
haven't a clue. So, with summer
rolling around and your fellow
classmates waiting tables or bar
tending to make money in time
to return to school in the fall,
consider this a refresher course
on the subject.
A tip, as defined by Manny
Gonzalez of The Original Tipping
Page (www.tipping.org), is "a gift
or a sum of money tendered for a
service performed or anticipat
ed." Tips originated in the early
coffeehouses of England, where
patrons dropped T.I.P.S. in boxes
or metal tins "To Insure Prompt
Service.” The larger the coin, the
more noise it made when
dropped — and the faster the
service received in return.
Nowadays, tips are generally a
way to compliment someone for
a job well done. At the same
time, many servers say too many
customers fail to understand that
tips are also a crucial part of their
livelihood. The food service in
dustry typically doesn't award
servers or bartenders the hourly
minimum wage. In fact, on aver
age, wait staff make only $2.13
an hour, which is just enough to
pay taxes. Instead, servers use
tips to pay their bills — and de
pend solely on the generosity of
their guests.
The big question at the end of
almost every meal out typically
is "All right, so what should I
leave?"
The amount of the tip depends
on a few things. First, it's impor
tant to base the decision on the
total amount of the bill received.
The current standard is a tip that
is the equivalent of at least 15
percent of the check. Consider
that a base from which to either
work up or down. For below-av
erage service, give less. For any
little extras you appreciate — a
warm smile, a water glass 'that
was always filled — leave a little
more. Leaving no tip at all
should be reserved for only the
most egregious examples of
rudeness or incompetence. It is
in bad taste to stiff a server who
has performed his or her job —
even if it was less than superior
service. If you're lucky, you'll
end up with a bartender or serv
er who is not only waiting on
you, but entertaining you as
well. Numerous servers, and bar
tenders especially, are known to
tell a joke or do a bar trick for
you at a whim. Though they are
few and far in between, there are
barkeeps that will do everything
from spin and toss bottles, glass
es and tins to spitting and swal
lowing fire. All of this entertain
ment is meant to make your visit
more enjoyable and is certainly
worthy of the highest tips award
ed — which typically fall be
tween 25 and 30 percent of the
total bill.
Handy info to know — seeing
that it may be you who is some
day waiting tables or bartending
to pay tuition.
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