ATIONSHIPS
URViyE
After Abortion?
Theresa Karminski Burke, Ph.D.
Many women choose abortion in an effort to save their relationship or “keep”
a boyfriend from leaving.
Sometimes this choice is the result of an outright threat of abandonment if
the woman won’t “do the right thing” and abort. Other times, the pressure is
more subtle: “It’s your decision, but....”
Unfortunately, all the evidence shows that abortion to “save a relationship”
almost never works. Most relationships between unmarried couples come apart
shortly after an abortion. Others survive only because the partners are still
bound together by grief. These relationships often turn into prolonged, mutual
ly destructive mourning rituals. Even married couples are often driven apart
by an abortion unless they can find a way to complete the grieving process
together.
Abortion breeds anger, resentment, and bitterness toward the partner who
was not supportive or who ignored their partner’s desire to keep the baby.
At the same time, there is often tremendous pressure in the relationship to
conceal one’s true feelings of grief or guilt. This can especially be a problem
for men, who are often taught to hide their emotions. Men may also feel oblig
ated to appear “strong” so as not to upset the woman any further.
Men can be affected by abortion in many of the same ways as women.
Many men have reported post-abortion problems such as feelings of grief,
helplessness and guilt; sexual dysfunction; substance abuse; self-hatred; fear of
relationships; risk-taking and suicidal behavior; depression; greater tendencies
toward becoming angry and violent; and a sense of lost manhood.
When either women or men carry the emotional baggage of an unresolved
abortion into a subsequent relationship, it can cause trouble in subtle and even
dramatic ways.
This is especially a problem when they keep the abortion a secret from
their spouses, who are then unable to understand their emotional cycles. The
distortions in behavior that result when spouses keep secrets from each other
can be devastating to a marriage.
At the very least, the “need” to keep a past abortion secret prevents couples
from giving and receiving unconditional love. This deprives the relationship of
the opportunity to reach its full potential.
It is no coincidence that the abortion rate and the domestic violence rate
have risen almost side by side. Abortion, for both women and men, is associat
ed with self-hatred, self-punishing behavior, and an increased tendency to act
out anger and rage toward others.
A woman who is self-destructive or suicidal, but afraid to deliberately
harm herself, may be more likely to become involved with a violent man. A
violent relationship may allow her both to express her own rage and to experi
ence what she unconsciously feels is the “punishment I deserve.” Because of
self-hatred and low self-esteem, she may remain in the relationship because
she thinks she doesn’t deserve anything better.
Certainly, there are many other causes of domestic violence. But substan
tial statistical evidence and many case studies show that abortion is contribut
ing to this national tragedy.
Until these women and men are provided with an environment that pro
motes post-abortion healing, they are likely to remain trapped in these cycles
of violence.
Dr. Theresa Karminsla Burke is a psychotherapist and founder of Rachel's Vineyard Ministries.
Supporting citations are posted at www.aheraboriion.org
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Q1: Do you find yourself struggling to turn
off feelings or memories related to your
abortion(s)? Do you need to keep reminding
yourself to just forget it or put it behind you?
Do you become uncomfortable around
reminders of the abortion, such as being
around babies or pregnant women, being in a
doctor’s office, or when hearing news reports
about abortion?
Q2: Do you feel nervous or anxious at the
idea of telling a loved one about your abor
tion? Is your abortion a secret that is holding
you back from greater intimacy with others?
When you do choose to share your
abortion experience with others, are you
overcome with strong feelings such as anger,
grief, or guilt?
Is there an increased distance between
you and your parents, siblings, or partner
because of the past abortion(s)?
03: Do you have trouble talking about the
abortion issue as a political issue? When you
do talk about it, do you find it hard to respect
opposing views, or do you become overly
emotional, either in support of or in opposi
tion to it?
04; Do you tend to look at life in terms of
“before” and “after” the abortion(s)? Are
there traits about your “self’ before the abor
tion that you lost but would wish to regain?
Has the abortion changed the way you
look at yourself?
Have you lost interest in taking care of
yourself? Have you tried to become less
attractive to avoid the risk of becoming
involved in a relationship, love, and sex?
05: Do you become angry or depressed
more easily?
Have you experienced “reconnectors” to
your abortion, such as nightmares, flash
backs, or hallucinations, such as hearing a
baby cry?
continued on page 9
afterabortion.org
Elliot Institute
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